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Original poster

How to cut apron strings a bit and feel less anxious with young teens?

9 replies

MumofTeens2021 · 26/05/2021 10:09

My youngest starts secondary in September, elder son is in Yr 9 and I am feeling quite anxious in general as we leave the cocoon of Junior school forever. I know I'm going to feel even more anxious with the pair of them at the secondary.

I worry so much about them both, about almost anything - e.g. right down to the thought of them getting hit by a car walking to school which is stupid as they're perfectly capable of crossing the bloody road... My elder has autism and sometimes gets picked on a bit, (despite school being pretty good at supporting him, and he's fairly resilient anyway...) But if my son has a bad day it's like I physically feel his pain and I worry about it long after he's forgotten it, and perhaps because I didn't have a great time at secondary it's like it all comes back about how grim school can be and horrible peers can be.

I'm aware I'm projecting my own teen years on them, I also know I do too much for them in some respects, just because I'm trying to be the buffer against the world for them. I know I can't be, and it wouldn't be healthy to anyway.

They're not the kind of kids to particularly want to push boundaries, they're pretty close and game together etc... as opposed to wanting to go out with friends or anything, and neither have ever given me any trouble, never really fallen out with either of them...

But has anyone got advice about how can I get to a more confident less anxious position as a parent?

OP posts:
CherryLeaf · 26/05/2021 13:53

Sorry op, no advice but you are not alone. My eldest is in yr 6 and I can feel I need to start giving her more independence to prepare her for secondary school. I think we often underestimate how capable they are. The most important thing for me is to ensure a) that they are safe in terms of roads/personal safety/knowing the area and b) that they will always feel able to talk to me about anything going on in their lives. I’m hoping that will see us through the secondary years... but I’m sure there’s loads more to learn about how to let them be more independent. I’m definitely there with you, it’s tough!

Anordinarymum · 26/05/2021 14:12

@MumofTeens2021

My youngest starts secondary in September, elder son is in Yr 9 and I am feeling quite anxious in general as we leave the cocoon of Junior school forever. I know I'm going to feel even more anxious with the pair of them at the secondary.

I worry so much about them both, about almost anything - e.g. right down to the thought of them getting hit by a car walking to school which is stupid as they're perfectly capable of crossing the bloody road... My elder has autism and sometimes gets picked on a bit, (despite school being pretty good at supporting him, and he's fairly resilient anyway...) But if my son has a bad day it's like I physically feel his pain and I worry about it long after he's forgotten it, and perhaps because I didn't have a great time at secondary it's like it all comes back about how grim school can be and horrible peers can be.

I'm aware I'm projecting my own teen years on them, I also know I do too much for them in some respects, just because I'm trying to be the buffer against the world for them. I know I can't be, and it wouldn't be healthy to anyway.

They're not the kind of kids to particularly want to push boundaries, they're pretty close and game together etc... as opposed to wanting to go out with friends or anything, and neither have ever given me any trouble, never really fallen out with either of them...

But has anyone got advice about how can I get to a more confident less anxious position as a parent?

Easy answer OP is to talk to them and tell them how you feel. I am sure they will reassure you by telling you they are quite capable of looking after themselves and if they need help from you they will ask for it... and breathe :)
Oblomov21 · 26/05/2021 14:19

Have you talked to your GP about your anxiety? Because this is not normal. You are limiting their development.

Start doing little things. A phone. Walking hond from school in summer term. Walk to new school. Leaving him at home for 10 minutes, then 20 etc. Little by little.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families Secondary education
Original poster
MumofTeens2021 · 26/05/2021 18:10

Thanks for those perspectives and comments - he's happy enough walking with me to school and back but you're right I should encourage him to do it himself more - we've started parting half way home so I can go to the shop and he can let himself in. I suppose because he's not pulling away so it's easy just to carry on the way we always has.

I am rather anxious generally but when I went to the GP a few years ago I got a low dose of Citalopram which killed my sex drive and it's one of the only things that gets me to chill out! Blush

He's just got a phone too - I would have got him one years ago but he was just happy with his tablet but as I've said it's not just for apps and games it's a way to keep in touch if he's out and about. Like many kids today the whole idea of calls or even texts is weird to him!

I'll see if I can get him doing a few more errands...

OP posts:
unicornsarereal72 · 26/05/2021 18:41

I've found it just comes.

My eldest is year nine and also had ASD. He has Few friends and finds school a challenge. He started walking to and from school in year 5. I had no suitable childcare and was working so needed him to come home and let himself in for an hour. And built from there.

I wish he had a friend to visit or go out with now he is older. He has some people he knows. And I'm sure they are his friends but he doesn't see it that way. I have to organise him so every school holiday I was arranging a cinema trip or something but lock down has stuffed that. So restarting plans again. And help him gain some confidence and independence.

He will walks the dog. And will pop to the shops etc. I'm now about to do the same with the youngest in sept. As She starts year five. So the end of my school runs. The plus side of this is I can condense my hours and work four days. I can't wait

Sleepingdogs12 · 26/05/2021 19:04

I found I had to give myself a telling off to stop reacting to what I thought might happen rather than just trusting in them a bit and dealing with what actually was happening (ie not a lot and them just getting on with their day) . I think it is the worst time as a parent but you have to keep your own anxiety under control.

Original poster
MumofTeens2021 · 26/05/2021 19:22

It's definitely one of those transition points... When both of them were at Juniors it felt much easier and less worrisome.

I'm sure parents with school leavers mourn these schoolday worries...

OP posts:
megletthesecond · 26/05/2021 19:35

Same. I live in a permanent state of worry. It doesn't help that DS has an epi-pen so I have that extra fear always there.

I do have the evil big tech Google family link on my phone so I can see where mine are. Its shown me that they are where they say they are and they do head home from school sensibly.

Original poster
MumofTeens2021 · 26/05/2021 19:57

Don't give me ideas I'll get them both microchipped... Grin

OP posts:
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