Anyone have ADHD? Or have a partner with ADHD?

[TreeDice]

My DP and I have been together 5ish years and he has recently been diagnosed with ADHD.

I have very little experience in this area but I'm so so happy to see him feel a little better in himself - he used to get very frustrated with himself if he wasnt able to focus to do X but it's like just having the diagnosis has given him the motivation to look into alternative tactics and techniques - he's spent £100 in the last few weeks on equipment to help support him.

I'm trying to do all I can to learn so I can be supportive. Do you have any tips? Or anything to avoid? Is there something you wish your DP/family would do to help you?

Our main challenges if it helps are:

• my feeling like we have a parent-child relationship at times. I feel like I nag a lot but really, he asks me to remind him about things or things dont get done.
• housework. He'll do his fair share but has to be constantly reminded and pushed into doing it and he frequently starts it and wanders off.
• hyperfocus. He's always had this tendency to "binge" something. E.g. his focus this week may be fishing as an example. He'll fish, he'll read about fishing, watch videos on it, spend 90% of his time talking about it. Regularly forgets to eat/shower etc when he has these focuses. It was actually this point that prompted the visit to the GP and eventually, the diagnosis. I almost see these as his "superpower" in a way - he can become an expert on a subject practically overnight! And he is ultra committed to it for how ever long the focus lasts. I struggle during these periods at times though as it feels like talking to me even is wasting valuable fishing time and I end up feeling a bit pushed out.

I'd really like to be as supportive as possible and I'm hoping this diagnosis and a better understanding from both of us will help some of our issues.

Thanks in advance!

I don't have much advice as my DH of over 30 years has recently been diagnosed. But, it's made sense of many of the marital problems we've suffered.

My DH has been assessed as not needing medication, what has your DH been offered? Medication can apparently be a game changer although can take a while to get right.

The parent-child and housework issues are exactly the same for us, although the diagnosis has given both of us a better understanding. We now try to do housework together and DH responds well to lists (I printed off housekeeping checklists I found online).

It's bloody exhausting, make sure you're looking after yourself first and foremost.

Not officially diagnosed but I think I do (dp and ds) so following for support.

My daughter and I have it.

I think the main thing about ADHD for us is it's "right now" or "some other time".
Key for us is alarms on our phones/smart watches. Reminders to start dinner prep, take meds or take out laundry, or make a phone call. Google calender is very very useful as it means you get to take an action NOW ( put it in the calendar, with notification a day or two before if necessary) and then I'll get another trigger when it's time to do the next part. If I have a vague plan it'll never happen!
I recommend (for him mostly) a book called atomic habits. You can find his talks on YouTube too. Basically it's about creating triggers so you automatically do things almost without thinking. It's not meant to be for ADHD specifically but it's brilliant. A series of those has my morning going smoothly as there's no decisions. The phone alarm goes off - triggers to me to get up,get kids up, serve breakfast and pack lunch. Drink coffee til next alarm which signals shower and dressed. Next alarm is shoes on and out to school.

On days when I've nowhere to be I indulge my hyperfocus though. Im a single parent so Im forced to just put them aside a lot of the time. And I have to take responsibility. I think your DP also needs to be independent and not giving you an extra mental load for this as you may grow to resent it. Support him in finding systems to remind himself if needed.

I think my dp has ADHD I find him so much hard work and the parent child Rship is correct , I feel like I’m Constantly mothering him especially as I’m older than him .He tells me a lot that “he’s behaved himself today” which is due to how his behaviour can sometimes be so bad especially when he drinks a lot . He’s so hyper and sometimes I have to tell him to just be quiet coz he doesn’t shut up he’s like a Duracell bunny sometimes and he stresses me out coz I’m quite anti social and like my own space a lot .
I also find he can only focus at work . He’s working his way up in the company coz he focuses only on that . He’s obsessed with his job . I find I have to pick up a lot of the slack at home coz he finds it difficult and doesn’t focus at all if it doesn’t involve his job .

What were the signs that you thought something was not quite right ?

"How to ADHD" on YouTube is a very accessible channel. He might not share all her traits but it's been useful to help me find the right language to use.

Watching with interest!

Thanks everyone- some great suggestions already. And I'm sorry to hear others may be struggling with some of these symptoms.

@EdHelpPls thank you for the recommendation, I'll be sure to pass that on.

@Blackcountrychik hi, for my DP it was quite varied tbh, there's a lot of stuff that he does that he/I had no idea were symptoms. The major ones for him were:

• the hyperfocuses (although we didn't know that they were called that!) which is described above in the fishing example. The subject is always totally random and he massively falls down a rabbit hole with it. To the point where he struggles to work, look after his personal hygiene etc.
• constantly moving, pacing etc
• forever starting things and getting distracted so never finishing them
• struggling with motivation for areas he finds repetitive which is a major issue in his working life.
• if he sees something, he HAS to use it. E.g. a phone charger. He'll hook his phone up to it if he sees it even if its fully charged.

His parents aren't exactly thrilled. I believe they have some scepticism, basically because he is intelligent and did well at school. I know there's a lot of misconceptions out there around ADHD and I just hope doing the research now will help even more.

• my feeling like we have a parent-child relationship at times. I feel like I nag a lot but really, he asks me to remind him about things or things dont get done.

I have adhd, we really don't mean to forget but it just slips straight out the mind.

I also hyper focus like a badass... I see it as my superpower too but the burnout after is huge. For example I will not clean the house for months and then in just a couple of days I will literally spring clean and redecorate the whole house... and then I'll crash.

However this week I have been hyper focusing on to do lists... and for the longest time ever (one week so far) I have managed to do all my jobs and keep on top of the housework.

Alexa can be really helpful, I have loads of reminders on there, just got into the habit of getting her to remind me anytime I think about something I need to do. A daily to do list has also been great.

As for support, my dh is inherently lazy so all the pressure falls on me. I've needed someone to come along and tell me what to do but I've just got to grips with the fact that no one is coming.

Maybe you could sit down with your dh and discuss what he feels his biggest struggles are alongside his biggest priorities and 'fun things' he wants to do and help support him achieve those things.

I've made two lists; things I have to do and things I want to do and I've made a schedule that factors in them both. Found that really helpful otherwise I get so overwhelmed with all the things I need to do building up that I never get round to the things I'd enjoy doing.

DH also talks over people me and we've now got a code where I gently prod his arm to let him know the adhd is running wild.

Pre-diagnosis, he was in denial about this behaviour, which undermined me.

Hi @Ramsatams sorry I missed your earlier message. He is giving medication a go but as you say, we're not expecting a silver bullet immediately.

He also talks over people. It's almost like he HAS to get out what he's thinking but it can come across rude. A signal sounds like a great idea!

Again, for me it's that balance of being helpful/supportive but not crossing the line into mothering. It definitely does not seem straightforward ...

@SourLemons you know, I've never actually considered the burn out but you're completely right, thank you. We'll add an Alexa to the list. As much as I want to help and support him, we're both pretty keen to find ways he can manage independently too so ideas like this are great, thank you!

The ADDitude website is brilliant. Lots of resources on there.

I also like TotallyADD. One time comic actor now full time ADHD champion as it were.

Great, thanks @adhdpunchbag I'd come across ADDitude but not the second one so I'll add it to my list :)

Thanks everyone!