Anyone else’s dc said they are non-binary?

lifeissweet · 25/05/2021 11:49

Truthfully? I would nod in a disinterested way and ignore it. It's like being a goth in the 80s/90s. As long as she doesn't announce she wants to be a man and start pushing for testosterone injections, it's just her playing with her identity as many teens have always done.

Whatsnewpussyhat · 25/05/2021 11:53

I'd remove her from the WhatsApp group of strangers for a start.

Social contagion and sexist stereotypes being pushed left, right and centre.

Original poster

stclair · 25/05/2021 11:58

Thanks both. She deleted WhatsApp a couple of months ago because of bullying messages so that’s gone. Have been blocking Reddit and any site I can think of that may be feeding it. She also started self-harming after Christmas which was a nasty shock. She is seeing counsellor at school and CAHMS are involved.

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Xiaoxiong · 25/05/2021 11:59

I would not make any big deal about her saying she is non-binary, just a "hmm that's nice dear" - but I would investigate what's being said on the group and reinforce messages around online safety and what your DD is potentially revealing to god knows who. 11 is very young to be added to groups she doesn't know and chatting with total strangers on whatsapp. You can turn off the setting in whatsapp that allows her to be added to groups by strangers (Settings > Account > Privacy > Groups) but that won't prevent her being added by a friend.

Xiaoxiong · 25/05/2021 12:01

Yikes your poor DD - but sounds like you're on top of it. Keep an eye out for Tumblr and Instagram as well if she uses those.

TheThermalStair · 25/05/2021 12:06

You can also talk about sexist stereotypes of men and women and how uncomfortable you and others feel with them. I wonder if she's been treated differently because of her sex/age and thinks she's the only one to feel upset/unfairly treated about it.

Xiaoxiong · 25/05/2021 12:17

Or if she is hoping she can identify out of uncomfortable things that are happening, either naturally through puberty, or as a result of sexism or bullying, by opting out of being female.

Is there anything she does that is active that keeps her in touch and values her changing body? Sport, dance, camping, anything active? I was very struck watching videos of girls who had detransitioned saying that they had become very disconnected and disparaging of their bodies, hated the changes they were going through with puberty which brought them face to face with the male gaze and negative attention, and what really helped them was appreciating their bodies' strength and power as they turned from girls into women. Seems a bit woo but it's a good concrete antidote to the idea you get online that you can be whoever you say you are and your body is this annoying reality you just wish would go away.

sylbunny · 25/05/2021 12:18

@lifeissweet

Truthfully? I would nod in a disinterested way and ignore it. It's like being a goth in the 80s/90s. As long as she doesn't announce she wants to be a man and start pushing for testosterone injections, it's just her playing with her identity as many teens have always done.

This is so so true!

Norked · 25/05/2021 12:28

My dd (12) prefers he/they pronouns, apparently and says she is a 'demi-boy'.
I just nod and smile and still refer to her as a her/she (she wouldn't expect me to refer to her as he/they).
It's just a phase as far as I can see.
Bloody social media etc is fuelling it.

Original poster

stclair · 25/05/2021 13:09

I do think she isn’t coping very well with puberty. She hasn’t started periods yet but is very embarrassed about her breasts, hair etc. She used to love being active - kick boxing, sailing, cross-country - but since starting secondary and the Covid disruptions she now doesn’t want to do anything. We are trying to encourage interests again and getting active, particularly kick-boxing. I’m not aware of anything happening IRL so can only think of the internet and am kicking myself for not having a better handle on it.

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Xiaoxiong · 25/05/2021 13:59

Ahh poor thing - pound to a penny that's what it is, puberty is making her miserable (like almost every woman I know!!!) and she is getting stuff drip-fed to her through these whatsapp groups or social media that she could identify out of all of it.

Sounds like you're on completely the right course trying to keep her active. Kickboxing is on here but loads of other activities too, maybe she could try something new? Ultimate frisbee? Quidditch? www.thisgirlcan.co.uk/activities/

Original poster

stclair · 25/05/2021 18:59

Thanks for the link, I had no idea there were so many sporting options! I’ve made it clear I’m going to be keeping a close eye on her internet use and I think she’s getting a bit worried about that which can only be a good thing! I noticed an avatar she had created had the name ‘he/him’ which I commented on so that might open up for a chat soon hopefully without her shutting down.

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Soontobe60 · 25/05/2021 19:06

@stclair

I noticed dd(11) entering ‘prefer not to say’ when logging onto WiFi at a train station a couple of months ago. I asked why and she asked me if I knew what non-binary means. Apparently she got added to a WhatsApp group of strangers by a friend and this topic came up a lot so I don’t know if she was potentially being groomed or not. Anyway, school told me she is putting them/they pronouns on work sheets etc. I’m hoping it’s too much lockdown internet but need advice how to handle this delicately. She’s not into makeup etc so not sure she thinks because she’s not a girly girl she’s non-binary?

No, she isn’t putting pronouns on worksheets because teachers don’t ask for them!

amgine · 25/05/2021 21:13

If she’s withdrawing from sport, it might be she needs proper sports bra/clothing - was a revelation to me as an adult that those existed and made sports much more appealing.

PennineWayinSlingbacks · 26/05/2021 07:35

My DD has told me she defines herself as pan sexual - she's 13. I nod and smile.

My elder DD, now in her 20's went through a whole period of competitive peer mental health crises in her secondary school. There was a time when it was fashionable to be the most traumatised in the year group. They used to talk quite regularly about ending things but no one ever did or even tried.

I see it as a way of separating from the old folks, finding an identity.

Her wokeness only extends so far though. She considers me not to be a proper feminist because she believes I don't fully support the rights of transwomen. I don't think she's much of a feminist because she leaves me to pick up after her.