Has COVID/ lockdown changed you children’s relationship with their grandparents?

[Labradabradorable]

I’m feeling very sad about this today. Until the first lockdown, my parents at, although living some distance away, were incredibly involved. My children adored them, especially my son, as his granny understood his special needs in a way no one else ‘got’. They were so lucky to have this closeness. We’ve seen them a few times through lockdowns, but only for short visits. The whole experience has aged my parents, which I think frustrates all of them, and I know that their involvement will be different going forward. My children seem to have lost that closeness they felt. A childcare bubble overnight stay had to be abandoned as my son was too homesick at Easter ( he always loved staying) and my daughter (12) looked less then bothered when I told her granny couldn’t have her to stay over half term, as we’d planned ( she is poorly after a minor op.). I understand that relationships change as children get older, but lockdown seems to have caused a real drifting apart. We have very little other family, and seems rather sad. Any thoughts? Any ideas to make it better?

Sorry that should say ‘between lockdowns’. Didn’t see them at all during the lockdowns obvs.

sorry to hear you feel sad.

I think it's all about putting the effort in from both parties.
if your kids are not that bothered only arrange short visits, keep it sweet, stress free and expect less.
probably best if you hide any disappointment, guilt trips will not move things in the positive direction.

talk to grandparents as to what they are able/willing to do to keep the relationship going. maybe they can play online games like scrabble or chess with them? mine do that with FIL. or zoom chats or good old fashioned pick up the phone to say hello?
my MIL would read to my kids over the phone during lockdown then have chats with them.

(to answer your question nothing changed for us, kids are more keen to see them than ever. they missed each other so terribly
especially my youngest too, they'd move in if they could!😁).

Just keep at it without forcing it.
it may never go back to as it was before but little and as often as you can manage should certainly help.

best of luck

Yes. My parents just don’t have the stamina or patience anymore for lengthy visits/babysitting - a year of staying home, quietly, by themselves means they just can’t cope with extended periods of noise, kids jumping around, silliness etc. They enjoy seeing the children and the (still quite young) children still get excited to see them, but I don’t think they’ll be doing sleepovers and similar anymore.

That said I feel like I too lack stamina for social things, going out and “doing stuff” at the moment but am finding the more I force myself to do the easier it gets, so maybe they’ll pick up too over the summer. We will keep going and hope it improves over time.

My 3 DC’s haven’t seen my mum since August. The have stopped speaking about Granny casually. It’s so sad, because they had a lovely relationship. The lack of in-person contact is due to her living in an area that was in local lockdown through most of the autumn and is now back in lockdown again. Every time we planned to go to visit her, Oct half-term, Christmas hols, Feb half-term, Easter hols and now (again!) May half-term we have been thwarted by lockdowns and indoor restrictions. I work in law and have to be very mindful of the rules. She is very cautious and has become withdrawn and anxious, so she wouldn’t think of even meeting us outside at a half way park when there was the stay at home rules. She views unvaccinated kids now as super spreaders 😀. She has missed - apart from 1 summer visit - nearly 18m of their lives.

Thanks so much for the replies. Some experiences sound very familiar. I know it’s true that forcing the relationship isn’t helpful. We’ve also lost a paternal grandpa in the past year, which has perhaps unhelpfully focused my mind. I’m trying to be philosophical about the reality of changing relationships as people get older.

I can tell my parents are also frustrated by their lack of stamina. I’m not sure they realise how much they’ve missed. My daughter is now 12 and a different child to the ten year old they knew 😔

I know if friends in similar situations, but others who have come much closer because of childcare bubbles/ homeschool support. I know it’s not been easy for anyone but that must be a nice side effect of the past year.

Yes. My in laws haven’t seen the children since January 2019, when we were last in the U.K.(we’re in Sydney). My parents haven’t seen them since December 2019. They’re so much older now, and the lack of contact means that I just can’t see them having any kind of real relationship, especially as by the time we can go back to the U.K., they will be nearly 12 and 9, and the last time they saw the in-laws they were 6 and 8. We used to go back 1-2 times a year and this extended lock down is the longest I’ve ever gone without seeing my parents, 17 months now.

@Ozgirl75 my best friend is in a similar situation. They are in Perth and haven’t been back to the U.K. since January 2019. We were supposed to be going out to see them at Easter. Their parents have missed toddlerhood. And now poor health means they can’t visit Oz. It must be so hard.

We've been very lucky in that my parents are local. They've been our childcare bubble and so they've seen a lot more of DC as before covid we were all busier and tended to use paid for childcare more.
FIL died during the first lockdown though, and we've only seen MIL once this year and once last year, so it's been very hard on her and on my DH.

My children's grandparents show little more than polite interest/ curiosity. It doesn't help that they are pretty old and have little spare energy/ patience for a pair of energetic boys. Only using landlines doesn't help and the DCs aren't interested in remote communications either.

We haven't seen one since Oct 19 as she's overseas, but I am cheesed off that we have second class grandchildren who aren't going to be invited indoors... unlike selected teenage grandchildren who are are allowed in during term time . There is no fair logic to that one, and it's costing €€€€ and our main holiday for the year to go and recieve a reception like that.

My family is not on the doorstep and DM was hit by local lockdowns early in the autumn. She hasn't seen DS1 since Christmas 19. She did see DS2 last June when I basically said that I was going to the cemetry on a certain date, could I pop by. She can't get up to me for me to invite her round. The lack of interest in the DCs on the phone does sting and I have to hear a hell of a lot more about the cats.

Grandparents are totally overrated, especially when they're more interested in other grandchildren.

Definitely and mine are teens. They used to just pop in, raid the fridge and turn on the TV, it was such a casual relationship they really got to know each other, they felt as relaxed at grandparents as they did at home (an alien concept to me)

Now we visit in the garden and the teenagers have to think of what to say, it's not the same

My family used to live four miles from my in-laws. My children spent time with their grandparents during the week and they would visit all day with them on a Sunday.

Unfortunately, we moved to the US (I'm American, my husband is English) back in 2004. My in-laws did come to visit five times and we've been over, as a family twice, in 17 years. They last saw their grandparents in 2015.

My husband and my BIL (who's in England) have tried to teach them to use email, Skype, and Zoom for years to communicate with our children so they've lost out a bit with each other. MIL finally got FB and now sends them messages.

MIL was diagnosed with cancer late 2019 and we made plans to see her, as a family in 2020 because my children needed to find a lull in their university schedules. We are still waiting to go.

I'm so sad for all of them because this distance is crap but knowing we simply can't due to restrictions makes it worse.

@elp30 That sounds very hard. I think that people with family overseas have been among the hardest hit during the various lockdowns, and there's still no timeline. I hope you get back soon.

We haven’t seen in-laws for almost a year and a half. They live two hours away, we’ve suggested meeting up now restaurants are fully open, given them a selection of dates and....nothing, other than oh yes we will let you know.

I think they are so used to being at home alone having to drive to meet us is too much effort. They are fully vaccinated so it’s not covid. Our child could only say a couple of words the last time we met.

The opposite here. Lockdown was a blessing as we didnt have to host or visit a grandmother who is mean, rude, and disrespectful to my children. Kids have loved it! They dont miss her and dont even like her.
I really dont want to see her anymore NC for at least 6 months and it's been bliss.
I did hear via other grandkids she was planning a visit.
I may just have to be out