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Original poster

Feeling left out of family gatherings

15 replies

Lizzie523 · 24/05/2021 10:55

I've just realised this morning, having burst into tears, how deeply hurt I feel to have been left out of family gatherings lately.

I'm single and live alone, so my mental health has been a bit up and down but mainly ok.

I posted last month when I found out I has been uninvited from cousin's wedding because they could no longer fit me in due to restrictions. I was upset but what can you do.

Now another relative from that side came up to visit at the weekend (see this person once or twice a year due to distance) and a few of them announced they were going to a seaside town for the weekend (with no invitation). They said I could drop by for 'tea' at some point when they were back from the adventure!

I feel excluded and like I should just be able to suck it up as I'm an adult - but it hurts. Maybe it is made worse by feeling quite alone for most of the year but I has a horrible dream about it all last night as well.

I'm not sure why I'm posting really. I thought about bringing up the fact i'd been left out of the trip but I know it would look pathetic

OP posts:
Mydarlingmyhamburger · 24/05/2021 11:04

I’m sorry about your cousins wedding op. They clearly wanted you there and must have felt awful having to withdraw the invite due to COVID. I’m not too sure how you’re being excluded by the other relative though. They’re only going for a trip into town and told you about it, it’s not like they’re trying to secretly exclude you from an ‘adventure’, and they’ve invited you over for tea. Have you actually asked if they minded you going to town with them, or arranged/offered to do something else with them instead?

Mydarlingmyhamburger · 24/05/2021 11:06

I’ve just thought that there might be a lot of wedding talk of the relatives they are meeting are going, perhaps they’re being sensitive and trying not to upset you?

Original poster
Lizzie523 · 24/05/2021 11:08

@Mydarlingmyhamburger the issue with my cousin's wedding is that she told my mother I would no longer be included and didn't tell me personally. That was hurtful and surprising because as cousins go, we have been fairly close.

The trip and the rooms were already booked for this weekend when they told me about it - I am hardly going to ask to tag along. The relative is going home tomorrow and I am at work today.

I just feel like an afterthought. It is making me look at my own family in a different light to be honest. I have a small family as it is so it does hurt when they don't think to include me.

OP posts:
lurker101 · 24/05/2021 11:11

I’m sorry you feel left out op. What is the family relation that went away this weekend? I.e. did your cousin come to visit and go away for the weekend with their siblings, and then invited you to come for “tea” later as a cousin? That could explain the difference. Similar happens a lot in my family when cousins that live abroad come to visit, they spend a lot of time with their siblings and I’m invited for a meal (which I understand as they are siblings). Although I understand how you could feel hurt

Original poster
Lizzie523 · 24/05/2021 11:11

It is also confusing because we have always had a good relationship and nothing has occurred to change that.

OP posts:
Rainbowshine · 24/05/2021 11:17

Some people are just prioritising closer relatives whilst they get used to being able to travel and socialise again. I can only take in person company for a while before I get overwhelmed, perhaps tea is a way of seeing you but it not be too much for them. It may not be about you at all.

Original poster
Lizzie523 · 24/05/2021 11:24

@Rainbowshine no that isn't it. This person has been doing plenty socialising, probably more than they should be.

These 2 other relatives are my close family. Not my cousin - I don't want to go into detail in case it is outing. This IS my close family.

The fact I am having repeated dreams about it and feeling anxious shows how much it has affected me. In a year when I've seen very limited people, I feel I am being excluded when choices are being made about family get togethers now it is possible. I am deeply upset about that but just have to deal with it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lizzie523 · 24/05/2021 11:27

I don't think there is maliciousness behind it, but I do think they are being thoughtless.

Maybe they are coming from another pov but that is how it feels to me

OP posts:
KraySlag · 24/05/2021 11:33

Was it just a small number of people on this trip? So 4 out of 10 local family members?

Or was it everyone except you?

I think that makes a difference.

lurker101 · 24/05/2021 11:34

It’s also possible depending on size of group that they went as a 6 to be able to eat indoors rather than a 7+ that would need to eat outdoors

Original poster
Lizzie523 · 24/05/2021 11:40

Yes a small number went. The other 3 that love here went, the rest of the relatives live further away so couldn't have made it anyway. They could have asked me.

I can feel myself getting into a tangle about it, thinking that they don't care about me etc. Even though I know it can't be true, I can't help feeling it because of the pattern of not being chosen for the wedding and now the trip.

I am lucky that I have good friends and am close to my dad but it is starting to look like I'm not going to have much of a relationship with the other relatives I do have. Maybe I just need to accept that.

OP posts:
KangarooSally · 24/05/2021 11:40

Do you initiate activities with your family or do you wait for them to ask you to do stuff? If the latter they might think you're not really interested in doing stuff with them and don't want to bother you (maybe they imagine you living a high flying singles life out to theatre and pubs and stuff every weekend!)

Billandben444 · 24/05/2021 11:48

I'm sorry this has happened and, after the year we've had, I can see why you are hurt by it. I'm not going to try and find excuses for them and would agree that it's probably thoughtlessness rather than malice. Is there any way you can put yourself back in the frame so you are 'remembered' next time? Can you have more everyday contact with one of the central players? I'm sorry 💐

RandomMess · 24/05/2021 14:13

I am sorry you have experienced this Thanks

Have you told those you are closest to how much you have and are struggling?

ShoutingBirb · 24/05/2021 21:18

Do you initiate/invite them to things op? Or offer to host dinners or meet ups?

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