Do you listen to your gut instinct when meeting new people?

[blossomtree323]

They say first impressions matter. I often have found that if I have had difficulty with, say a friends behaviour, I've realised that the signs were often there the first time I met or talked to them and that my first instincts about them often proved to be correct.
I'm just pondering this as I've been a chronic people pleaser for most of my life and have often thought I could 'save' people. It's rarely, if ever, worked. Interested to hear others thoughts....

Depends what you mean by 'listen' to. Listen suggests you take action to either avoid or go forward with the person based on that feeling?

Can you give an example?

Yes I do.

In fact, a current "friend" has recently been showing me that my first impressions of her when right on the money, even if my 2nd and 3rd impressions were wildly different.

Also a people pleaser and learning healthier boundaries.

Yep.

Yep.

I met someone through a group I was a member of. The first time we met, they told me quite an extreme story about a friend of theirs. I thought at the time, that it was a strange and rather inappropriate story to tell at first meting someone but I gave them the benefit of the doubt. It turned out that the story mirrored a lot of the way I found their subsequent behaviour to be-highly inappropriate at times. It took me a while to realise this and when I did, I had to pull back sharply and felt really guilty for doing this.

Hmm not really. I find that my gut is to not trust anyone and make negative assumptions. I've later found people to be much nicer than I initially thought. It's hard cos I never know when to trust my own judgement.

I'm trying to develop healthier boundaries too @TaraR2020 but I'm not finding it easy. It's taken me 30 years to realise that being a people pleaser can be pretty miserable.

I agree @PrincessTuna, it's difficult to trust my judgement too. I think I've been burnt too many times by people

My gut doesn’t ever tell me anything! I literally have no idea what people mean by a gut feeling or listening to their gut. I listen to what people say, observe how they behave and take a decision based on that. I’m confident in my own judgement. Perhaps that’s the same thing.

@blossomtree323 for me, I found that not having boundaries made me so miserable and i felt so broken that I had no choice but to start applying boundaries. It's difficult but im much happier.

Yes, but with the caveat that there will be aspects to their character that I can't pick up on instantaneously that may change my judgement.

By and large I'm 'right first time' but occasionally I'll change my mind.

If my gut was sending warning signals I definitely wouldn't ignore it and take precautions (not give too much personal information to that person or end up alone with them).

I think first impressions can sometimes be misleading.

If someone is really offensive, that’s different, but a lot of us are nervous or unnatural at the first meeting, and some people are practised charmers.

I’ve certainly met people who impressed me initially but when I got to know them turned out to be not very nice at all, and vice versa.

Yes, listening to people and observing behaviour is I guess is what I mean.
I've tried to start small. It's taken me a long time to realize that actually, I can leave a situation when I want, say no when I want to and say what I think when I want to. Not that's its all about me though, but that I do get a say in interactions with others. I used to let others dictate what happened and was so passive.

I might not always act on it or unconditionally believe it but I would certainly take it into account!

Yes.
Over decades, it's proven very trustworthy, so why wouldn't I ?

That's not to say I would be anything other than pleasant and give them chance to prove me wrong.

Yes - we have spidey senses for a reason.

@blossomtree323

Yes, listening to people and observing behaviour is I guess is what I mean. I've tried to start small. It's taken me a long time to realize that actually, I can leave a situation when I want, say no when I want to and say what I think when I want to. Not that's its all about me though, but that I do get a say in interactions with others. I used to let others dictate what happened and was so passive.

Ok that makes sense. I think we don't always have the opportunity to act and sometimes we do. I have had impressions that turn out to be true.

Years ago I met a woman for the first time and got a bad first impression. We just had bad chemistry or something. Sure enough she was horrible to me for years.

A few years ago I met 2 of my potential bosses and got a strange vibe from the second one. She started bullying me last year - I had to get the first boss involved and I no longer work closely with her.

You do sometimes get weird vibes from people, but as @BackforGood said, you give them a chance to prove you wrong. Sometimes it's nothing to do with you/other people present, but external factors.

YES! My gut instincts are amazing when it comes to getting the measure of people the first time I see them. It's not a rational, thought out process, just an instinct thing but they are pretty much always bang on. The problem is I tend to ignore or second-guess them for whatever reason which is an issue, I'm still working on that one. It's so hard especially when everything else is contradicting your instinct about a person, like when they are socially accepted and liked by others or of a good standing etc, but you just get that nope feeling. It can be hard to go against the grain. This can work both ways, some people others look down on or whatever and they are the gems.

Yes

I try to now. I spent so much of my life trying to please people and wondering if they liked me/why didn’t they like me/why didn’t they like me more/how could I get people to like me. It took me a long time to realise that I didn’t always like them.

I realised after far too long, that I had people-pleased my way into trying desperately to keep up friendships with people I wanted to like me - but I didn’t, in the end, very much like them myself. I realised I had been trying to please a lot of people who underneath I thought were selfish and weren’t actually either very like me or had qualities I valued.

I don’t really know why I did that - I guess I was so focused on how I must be pleasing yo people, but didn’t really pay enough attention to who I actually enjoyed spending time with. So I would end up bitterly disappointed in people who behaved badly. But maybe if I’d taken the time to think about what I really felt about them on a gut level, I would have chosen friends I felt less ambivalent about underneath. Instead of spending years mistakenly trying to please people who didn’t treat me very well, partly because I was unsure of myself and had little self-esteem, and so I didn’t really think enough about what I myself felt on a gut level.

That's interesting @irresistibleoverwhelm . When I think about it, I always wanted everyone's approval. I read a book called Not Nice by Dr Aziz Gazipura. It was recommended by someone on Mumsnet and it was really useful in spelling out why being 'nice' and wanting approval from everyone doesn't lead to them respect or liking you more. I need to trust in my own judgement and own my decisions if I'm unsure of what I see/think/hear when forming a first impression.

I try to now. I spent so much of my life trying to please people and wondering if they liked me/why didn’t they like me/why didn’t they like me more/how could I get people to like me. It took me a long time to realise that I didn’t always like them.

Oh this is me to a t, @irresistibleoverwhelm. I've noticed I do this and tried not to anymore as it's such a waste of energy when deep down I don't even like the person in question. Why does this kind of behaviour become a thing, I wonder? A difficult to please parent in childhood, maybe? I grew up with a rather angry, mentally ill single parent so perhaps that's part of it.

I'm a chronic people pleaser too, and have a long history of attracting toxic people into my life. When I look back all the early warning signs were there and the niggling sensation something was wrong, but I didn't pay attention at the time. I get too caught up in helping "friends" in difficulty and putting their needs first. Pretty sure, as noted by a pp, it stems from a childhood with a punitive and hard to please mother.

@RhubarbTea

I try to now. I spent so much of my life trying to please people and wondering if they liked me/why didn’t they like me/why didn’t they like me more/how could I get people to like me. It took me a long time to realise that I didn’t always like them.

Oh this is me to a t, @irresistibleoverwhelm. I've noticed I do this and tried not to anymore as it's such a waste of energy when deep down I don't even like the person in question. Why does this kind of behaviour become a thing, I wonder? A difficult to please parent in childhood, maybe? I grew up with a rather angry, mentally ill single parent so perhaps that's part of it.

Yes I think so too - both my parents were difficult people with volatile tempers (still are), and, of course, I was the “emotional support eldest daughter” 🤦‍♀️😞