What on earth is up with me? Covid to blame or Social anxiety?

[dreamingofaholidaysoon]

Hopefully I'm posting in the right place... Looking for opinions or maybe reassurance I'm not going mad.

I've spent the majority of lockdown as a bit of a hermit. It suits me. I like my own company, pottering and time with my family. I've also worked as a keyworker throughout. Work has been the hardest it's ever been and taken up most of my time.

The last few weeks as we come out of lockdown I've been determined to prioritise myself and have time with friends as well.

I've also felt really lonely recently as the contact I've had with friends hasn't been regular. In fact today I've spent half the day googling loneliness and why to do about it.

So I've now bit the bullet and contacted friends who I've not seen for ages to arrange to catch up. Brilliant they text back to arrange a date... perfect you would have thought. But no. I've been reluctant to reply and already started thinking of excuses in my head to cancel.

What on earth is wrong with me? Is this a problem as a result of being away for people so long or I've I developed some sort of social anxiety.
Do others feel like this?

I know for myself that I very much want to be wanted, socially, and reach out to confirm that yes, people would like to see me. And with the best possible intentions, as I too would like to see them. But then I start thinking maybe I look too fat, too old, maybe we've nothing to talk about anymore, perhaps I'll attach some significance to this and get excited about meeting and they'll cancel and I'll feel rejected....

I feel similar. I think I've always been a bit of an introvert, but I do love seeing friends. I saw a couple of friends yesterday and was so nervous beforehand, almost to the point of canceling. Once we met up we had a really lovely time and I really enjoyed seeing them, but then I kept waking in the night fretting about things I'd said, whether I'd been nice enough, funny enough, etc.

I think I'm possibly always a bit like this but the more I see people the more relaxed I am about it. Being out of practice means I'm back to square one.

I've decided to try to take it slowly, gradually build up to seeing more people, would that work for you too?

I'm meeting people singly, outside. Today I sat outside at a cafe.
Slow and steady.

Thank you for your honest replies. It's reassuring to know that others are in the same boat.
. I think that's exactly it. I want to be wanted and contacted but then when I am I struggle with wanting to go through with it. It's been a long long time since I've had to go through with anything that it feels overwhelming. With covid it's hard to know if this is how you would normally feel. As people have said.... maybe as people have said start small or 1 on 1 is a better way to do this.