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Original poster

Next of kin (hospitals not wills)

17 replies

Halliabaloo · 22/05/2021 18:39

My husband has a life-limiting illness. I understand that this is beyond distressing for his sibling. In his denial said sibling seems to be constructing a narrative in which I’m lying/exaggerating/am evil.
This sibling is taking dh to an appointment for a procedure he will be sedated for. I feel very nervous, I’m not even sure why.
What could actually go wrong/be interfered with? I am being treated for anxiety myself. I know I’m not necessarily logical.

OP posts:
KindergartenKop · 22/05/2021 22:50

What do they think you're lying about? That it's not really life limiting? Sad Sorry you are going through this.

Original poster
Halliabaloo · 22/05/2021 23:45

They have not seen him in person through the pandemic and have not really processed how bad he’s got. The discussions about power of attorney, (he has periods of confusion,) are upsetting them. I think they don’t believe they are as bad as I’m telling them and that I’m up to something nefarious.

OP posts:
Original poster
Halliabaloo · 22/05/2021 23:50

They also seem to think I am enjoying distressing their aged mother with discussion of how horrible things are.

OP posts:

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General health
FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 22/05/2021 23:58

Ex nurse here OP.

What are you worried the relative will do?

Original poster
Halliabaloo · 23/05/2021 00:04

Hi Frangipani, thanks for answering. Allege that I’ve harmed/neglected dh in some way, get himself recorded on hospital records as NOK, have discussions with health care providers that, as primary care-giver, should be had with me...

OP posts:
secretburper · 23/05/2021 00:08

Surely if you are married you are his next of kin anyway

WishIWasSomewhereElse · 23/05/2021 00:11

NOK are not (I believe) legal as such. You can nominate anyone to be your NOK.

Unless your husband specifically names his sibling as NOK, then you automatically would be regarded as such, medically speaking.

My son was sectioned in hospital several years ago. The hospital infuriated me by asking for his dad's details when they asked who was the oldest and found out he was oldest, therefore NOK in their eyes. I told them that his father was not to be contacted under any circumstances and would make an official complaint if they did.

As long as your DP has named you, then it will be fine Flowers

Original poster
Halliabaloo · 23/05/2021 00:13

Apparently next of kin can be anybody nominated by the patient.

OP posts:
Original poster
Halliabaloo · 23/05/2021 00:15

He has, but I think their sibling could ask them to change it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Halliabaloo · 23/05/2021 00:22

There are things in DH’s medical notes that pertain to me, my own mental health, our sex life (inappropriate behaviour during aforementioned periods of confusion,) social services involvement with our children, (which has been supportive but needed.) Stuff we have chosen not to tell them.

OP posts:
FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 23/05/2021 00:25

Ok so as his wife you are NOK. What level of POA do you have - ie do you and your DH make decisions about his care jointly? Do you have any reason to suspect that your DH would want to change you as his NOK? Random family members who don't have POA can't just change NOK on someone else's behalf.

If this relative discloses his suspicions, the HCP's will firstly, where they can (ie without breaking patient confidentiality) reassure them if it's a case of they simply don't understand the condition or procedure.

At worst, and only depending on what the relative says, there might be an adult safeguarding by referral. But the important thing is to NOT worry - no one will come to take your DH and stick you in hand cuffs. You haven't done anything wrong and the referral will likely be limited to a phone call or visit and when they realise all is above board it will be closed. Do you have an adult social worker at all?

Please remember, there is nothing HCP's haven't seen. They can spot an idiot relative a mile off. I worked in gynaecology for 5 years and relatives of patients really don't know half as much as they think they know. I more than once made referrals about people who I thought had controlling relatives feeding the patient's confusion and paranoia (it was usually people they lived with or were cared for full time by though)

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 23/05/2021 00:26

OP under no circumstances will they discuss that sensitive information in his medical notes with this relative

Original poster
Halliabaloo · 23/05/2021 00:32

Dh makes his own decisions during period of lucidity (90% of the time.) POA is set up for the future and sibling is upset he is not on it, I think.

OP posts:
Original poster
Halliabaloo · 23/05/2021 00:47

I do think dh could be persuaded to change NOK in a vulnerable moment.

OP posts:
nickyschof · 23/05/2021 10:05

@Halliabaloo. Could you take your DH for his procedure?

Original poster
Halliabaloo · 23/05/2021 11:33

I could now! I was supposed to be working but now have leave on compassionate grounds. We did really need the favour when this was arranged, though. Just some things sibling has said are making me very uncomfortable. Remember the mentality of the family on the 80s show Bread? Imagine if one of those siblings, who had previously been healthy, emerged after 18 months being locked down with their spouse with physical and psychological disabilities.

OP posts:
nickyschof · 23/05/2021 12:40

Just thank them for offering to help but say that since you're now not working, you'll take over to save them the hassle.

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