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Original poster

How to nicely tell a friend that she is probably driving men away?

15 replies

Waxonwaxoff0 · 21/05/2021 20:26

Good friend of mine really wants to settle down, get married and have children. We are early 30s.

Unfortunately she suffers from major anxiety and as a result she can come across very clingy and needy. She is on medication but I don't think it is helping, she's struggling to get access to her GP at the moment and can't afford private counselling.

She is in a new relationship with a new man but if he doesn't text her back within an hour or so she starts panicking that he is losing interest, seeing other women, etc. She actually has panic attacks over it. She constantly needs reassurance. As you can imagine, this freaks men out so soon into a relationship and they end up breaking up with her, which then causes her to feel terrible about herself. This relationship is already heading that way from what she is telling me.

Anyone have any advice as to how to advise her that she needs to back off a little? I've tried telling her gently but I feel like I'm being too critical. I think the anxiety prevents her from rational thinking.

OP posts:

MargosKaftan · 21/05/2021 20:34

Well... you can advise her to fake being someone else, someone who isn't clingy and needs constant reassuring so that she doesn't scare off the new man, but that's not who she is, so why waste time? Sooner or later the mask will slip and he'll end the relationship if this isn't what he wants /can cope with.

She needs a man who can cope with clingy, or even who likes it. She has anxiety- she's probably hard work. Someone will find that nice. If this bloke doesn't, best they both know early on this doesn't work for them than in a year's time.

jollyho · 21/05/2021 21:09

What @MargosKaftan’s said. She will find someone who can deal with it. I did, yes he’d rather it wasn’t a part of me but he accepts it and has told me before to calm down and give him space when I am too much.

But we knew of each other for a while, worked for the same company in different parts of the country, he knew about that side of me from the start because despite my anxiety I am very open about it.

Aquamarine1029 · 21/05/2021 21:11

If she asks for your opinion, I'd be honest with her. If she hasn't asked, keep it to yourself.

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/05/2021 21:15

It sounds like you’ve tried to talk to her about it but it’s beyond something a friend can help with.

Wolfiefan · 21/05/2021 21:16

I doubt she would appreciate your relationship advice.
But you could say you’re concerned about her level of anxiety. Change of dose or change of meds may help. CBT is very useful too.

Flowerclock · 21/05/2021 21:20

For the love of God, do not say anything. It will just make her feel even worse about herself.

If her anxiety is that bad, then I would say its probably better for her to be by herself and focus on her own issues.

thecatfromjapan · 21/05/2021 21:24

Honestly, I think the key thing is getting access to her GP, or someone who can change her medication - relationship advice is not the issue here.

MH services were always poor but have been hammered by the pandemic.

Can she contact her GP and say her anxiety is interfering with her ability to work? Somehow, that seems to help with access with some GPS.

So sorry - what a horrible situation for her.

TrainspottingWelsh · 21/05/2021 21:25

Can you phrase it as playing hard to get, rather than being about her anxiety?

Although tbh I'm not sure that is fair to either her or any potential partner. I couldn't and wouldn't be in the position of offering constant reassurance, nor would I tolerate a clingy partner. And I'd be pissed off and walk if someone managed to successfully hide that from me long enough to draw me in, rather than accepting it as a minor negative that I discovered with familiarity. Ditto, a person like me with zero ability to reassure anxiety and no tolerance for clingy behaviour, and the eventual separation because of it wouldn't help her either.

Ultimately she needs to deal with her anxiety herself rather than looking for a partner to shoulder it for her.

supercee · 21/05/2021 21:28

As someone who suffers intermittently with chronic anxiety I'd help her with the anxiety and dish out relationship advice.

My 'friends' are always quick to point out my character faults but none seem as quick to understand and try and help me with anxiety which ruins my life more than anyone knows.

Help her with that.

thecatfromjapan · 21/05/2021 21:35

supercee, so sorry to hear that.

I used to have terrible, cyclical spells of anxiety. I also had a patch of awful depression.

As luck would have it, the depression led to a 12-week session with a NHS psychiatrist, who really helped with the anxiety.

It has been about 10 years now since I saw him - and it's transformed my life. It feels like being unchained.

I really hope something sets you free, too. I don't know what that something might be (meeting that psychiatrist just seems an extraordinary act of chance, now) but I just hope you find it/it happens.

💐💐

Griefmonster · 21/05/2021 21:38

If she's not asking for your advice, you don't give it. In general, people don't want advice. They want to be listened to. Without judgement.

Frazzledfranny · 21/05/2021 21:40

I’d help her with accessing therapy.

Original poster

Waxonwaxoff0 · 21/05/2021 21:41

Thank you all. I don't suffer with anxiety myself so I cannot appreciate how she's feeling, I absolutely do not want to upset her and make her feel worse about herself but she does ask for advice and is scared of ending up alone. I have suggested going back to the GP but she says it doesn't help?

OP posts:

supercee · 21/05/2021 21:48

@thecatfromjapan

supercee, so sorry to hear that.

I used to have terrible, cyclical spells of anxiety. I also had a patch of awful depression.

As luck would have it, the depression led to a 12-week session with a NHS psychiatrist, who really helped with the anxiety.

It has been about 10 years now since I saw him - and it's transformed my life. It feels like being unchained.

💐💐

Thanks @thecatfromjapan that's great you got help and you became 'free'. MH services are battered at the moment so I will probably go down the private therapy route. It's something I weigh up doing, feel better, not pursue it then bam, back to an anxious mess which I hide really well.

I'm a disaster at friendships/relationships and the anxiety must be the root cause. It's such an overused term at the moment that people don't really take you seriously now.

Sorry OP, obviously meant to say don't dish out relationship advice. She probably knows full well how she is.

MistySkiesAfterRain · 21/05/2021 22:49

Agree, don't. Advise her to seek help for panic attacks to reset herself when she gets triggered. As MN advises don't give more of yourself than you can afford.

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