Boyfriend suddenly left me. What the hell do I do???

[jade22097]

This is my first post on here but I just don’t know who to talk to. Last Sunday my boyfriend came home from work and told me that he didn’t love me and didn’t want to be with me anymore. I was so shocked I thought I was dreaming I tried to pinch myself to wake up but it was real. He told me he still loved me and I asked if we could just have the week to sort things out and see how he felt which he agreed to.

That night I couldn’t sleep and he went from telling me he loved me at 9pm to telling me he didn’t know if he loved me at 3am. He went to stay at his mums the following day and told me about 2 hours after getting there that it was over and he wasn’t coming back.

It’s now Friday and he’s still been insisting he doesn’t love me and has felt like it for “a while” but last Saturday he was telling me he loved me and wanted to be with me? We had been arguing quite a lot in the week leading up to it but only because he changed how he acted towards me so I questioned if he was seeing someone else.

I’ve been diagnosed with PND and he knows that but said he didn’t want to say anything sooner because of how I was feeling. We have a 7 month old baby together and I live where all of his family live. I am just dreading how my life is going to be after this. I can’t stop thinking about how quickly he’ll move on if he stopped loving me so long ago. My family keep saying he’ll regret it but I really don’t think he will. I wish I was the one who left him because I am just so hurt right now as selfish as that is.

Please can anyone just help me, talk to me. Just anything to reassure me. We were together for 4 years and this has just happened so suddenly I thought we’d be having another baby in a couple of years time, we’d even spoken about it not too long ago. I KNOW he won’t come back but how will I cope if he moves on fast? How will I cope with a 7 month old? How will I cope in general?

I’m sorry this is so long I just need some strangers to talk to lol. I love him and I miss him but I also hate him so much right now. If I didn’t have a baby with him I would just block him and it would be easier.

I am so sorry you are going through this. You WILL cope though, take each day as it comes and it will get easier. Try going NC with him for a while and give yourself some headspace.

Sorry to hear this has happened to you. I went through something similar and it really helped me reading old threads on here about partners leaving.

DO NOT chase him now, no matter how you feel.
Get contact for your DC in place asap in writing then block him out as much as possible. You will be hurting but there is ko need for him to know that.

No doubt other people will be along soon to help advise you xxx

Whatever he does move on to , just remember what he has done to you. He is no catch. Would you take on someone who had just walked out on a partner and baby? Most women wouldn’t for very good reasons so please remember that. You are the one with more to offer whenever that time may be.
It will really hurt but you will be ok. He is irrelevant and not worth your time or your thoughts. Repeat until it stops hurting and look after yourself.

You will cope because you must. Don’t pay any attention to what he is doing. He may start dating quickly, but any woman who would take up with a man who couldn’t bother making a commitment to the mother of his child and left her with a 7 month old won’t be someone worthy of your concern.

Get a request for maintenance placed immediately. Ignore him if he complains. He can always pay you cms plus extra on the side, but make sure that minimum is in place.

I think you are feeling more vulnerable because you have a 7 month old.

He doesn't respect you, he made a shit choice and is confused.

Tell him you want space, wrap yourself and your baby in the support of people you can rely on, and move on. I'm sorry this happened to you. Just focus on you and your child.

Just give him space and you focus on yourself and your child. It very well could be stress from being a new parent .. maybe this is really part of his issue. But also, any man that will leave his woman and baby because of stress really isn’t someone you should lose sleep over.

I know easier said than done. Do not chase him. Do not ask him to come back. Try to be as cool as a cucumber and speak only about co parenting and necessary things outside of you two. That could make him wonder as men always expect us to cry and run after them.

Maybe he will come back and realize his mistake and by then maybe you won’t even want him back.

Stay strong. You deserve to be loved and cherished. Your child deserves to see mom loved and cherished as that relationship model is important for children. It will be ok and work out. It seems hard now, but it will get better and get easier.

The first thing I would do is to move back to my own friends and family. I wouldn't feel I owed him anything at all.

I'm so sorry. Guessing from your username you are early 20s, not that it is any excuse for his behaviour. Sadly I fear there may be another woman who doesn't have a baby, at least not yet.

Head high, it isn't your fault he's a waste of space. Discuss arrangements for co-parenting and financial support. Are you ok for housing and money for now?

Thanks for all your responses, I wasn’t expecting so many so quickly and I am really grateful for all of your support.

He has sworn on our baby that there isn’t anyone else (not something I wanted him to do but he loves him so much I would be shocked if he was lying).

I’m living in the house we rented together and he sorted out universal credit for me two days after he left, despite me saying it was too soon. He has been back to see our baby once (and to remind me how he feels haha) which has shocked me really because he always said he could never be away but he’s also said that he just can’t be in the same house as me in the minute, obviously doesn’t make me feel great because am I really that bad?

I am obviously extremely insecure after having a baby so keep thinking that it’s because I’m unattractive or something but I can deal with that for the time being. It just hurts knowing he’s felt like this “for a while” and he didn’t say. I gave him plenty of opportunities to say if something was wrong but I can’t make him tell me anything so I guess it’s his fault.

His parents are so unhappy with him, his dad won’t even talk to him but I don’t think that’s helpful because he’s gone back there and is having everything done for him again, all his food cooked for him, clothes washed and all. To be fair, I did all that anyway but only because he kept choosing work over us and it needed doing (and I’m decent enough to help out). I know I shouldn’t be at all but I am honestly just so embarrassed for not seeing this coming.

Can you move out and back to where your family and support network are?

If the tenancy is in both your names you don't have to take it all over and stay there. He could stay there and you go home with baby?

To be honest it’s cheaper for me to stay in the house we’re already in for the time being. My mum has offered for me to stay there but she doesn’t have the room and I went back there so often with my ex (I guess) that I think it would just hurt more.

So far his family have been great to me about all of this but they know if I decide to leave then it’s my choice. I haven’t worked for over a year due to the pandemic and then being on maternity leave so I need some time to save some money if I can then I can move where I want to. Hoping to win the lottery now haha

Don’t blame yourself. You are not unattractive, you are not bad, you’re not terrible to be around.

First things first.. stop with the negative self talk. You wouldn’t speak this way to another person, so don’t speak this way about yourself.

If he really wants to leave then let him. The minute he sees that you are not going to chase and beg him back he will more than likely change his tune. And if you aren’t totally disgusted by him then you can take him back. It won’t be bad if that’s what you want. Also if you decide you don’t want him back that’s also fine. You don’t lose anything by a man leaving.

If anything, a man leaving is a blessing because what is meant for you is meant. It’s really his loss. Not being able to see his child every night. His loss. No family unit. His loss. Looking like a complete scumbag and likely loosing the respect of his parents.. yup. His loss.

Believe me, he isn’t winning here. You should just sit back and relax. Enjoy having the remote to yourself. Watch what you want on Netflix and focus on your hobbies. It’s highly likely he will come crawling back on his low belly anyway. Like I said.. if you’re not totally disgusted with him, then you can take him back. If not then you send him packing right back to his parents. You don’t lose anything either way.

But the negative self talk.. that has to stop now. Blaming yourself.. it has to stop now.

@MarshmallowSwede thank you for being so blunt and so kind. I need that. I need to be told those things. I know that it’s going to take a hell of a lot of strength to get through this but like everyone has said I HAVE to for my child. Even at this point I have had the same thoughts, will I even want him back? I don’t know, yesterday I would’ve said yes and today I’m so angry at him I would say no but tomorrow is a new day and who knows how I’ll feel. I know that some days I will want him and other days I won’t. My baby is the most important thing to me. Thank you everyone.

Not sure if anyone is interested or will even see this but there is another girl. I said girl because she’s literally 18. Apparently he’s only just gained feelings for her but I knew this girl (from work) and we got on well so she’s clearly a skank too! He’s disgusting . I don’t even feel upset. Just disgusted

I am so sorry this happened to you.
He is following " the script".
You need legal advice.
If you report your thread to MN and get it moved to relationships you will get good advice and the thread will stay around longer.

18? Wow.. he’s pathetic. You’re better off. A teenager is starry eyed and he needs an ego boost. He is seeking outside validation and found a teen to give it to him. This makes him even more sad and pathetic. It’s no coincidence he found someone so young. She doesn’t know any better and as women (with healthy self esteem) get older we can spot BS easier.

She doesn’t know that this man is full of crap...think about it. A man who leaves his woman and 7 month old is complete and utter trash. She is too young to understand that this man is not someone to get involved with by this action alone!

This is a case of the trash taking itself out! You have dodged a bullet. You can rest easy that his relationship with a teenager won’t work out. And it’s not about you. You’re not to blame here. He is an immature man who can’t handle having a family. Good riddance.

Any decent man would welcome and treasure being able to come home to see his child every night and tuck his child in. A decent man would appreciate having a family.

Just make sure he provides for his child and you can move on with your life. Seriously... you have lost nothing here other than dead weight.

You might even want to send a gift basket to her with your thanks for taking him off your hands. (I’m joking- don’t do this).

So sorry OP

What an idiot.
If you haven’t lodged a claim for cms I would do that now. I’d also set up a separate email address that you can use just to deal with him and set up a contact schedule. Short periods of time often are recommended for babies. Work out what suits you and offer it to him.
Let him see the consequences of his decision

Sadly - of course there is another woman. Some men like to line up a replacement before they leave their current partner. Look on this as a positive. Your relationship is over. You can now concentrate on your lovely baby and sort your life out. Set up boundaries. Tell him he can’t come over when he feels like it and get your child support claim rolling.

Sorry @jade22097. Try not to blame the 18 YO, that would be letting him off too lightly. How old is he?

I didn’t see this thread when you first posted but my first thought when reading the OP was that there is someone else. This sudden coldness always comes when they meet someone else they want to be with.

I’m really sorry though, he has behaved horribly.

How awful. What an awful person. In a strange way, this might make it easier to move on. He was never who you thought if he can do that.

I would assume he's lying about the time line regarding his feelings and when they changed.

Yeah I’m assuming it’s been going on for a while. This girl was always so lovely to me when I saw her up until I had a baby (which is when she turned 18). I am just completely disgusted really. I don’t even have it in me to be angry right now. I also did have a feeling but honestly never thought it would actually be true. I know deep down that he’s quite obviously feeling insecure about himself and wants attention from a young girl to boost his ego. It’s nothing on me. She’s welcome to him and he is to her. My poor little boy has no idea what a sleaze bag his dad is!

I really hope you’ve contacted CMS to make sure your son will get the maintenance he is entitled to from his gem of a father?

Yeah, I have sorted out all of the money side of it. He seems to think he is doing me a favour by paying all of the bills for this month but I’m on maternity leave and won’t get UC in for another month so he has to! Also he’s 25, wanting to live his teenage years again I’m assuming.

Just wanted to send you big hugs.

I was in the same scenario 11 months ago with my ex husband leaving my out of the blue with 2 children under 2. I would have bet every penny in the world that there was no other woman but there was, maybe more than one. The betrayal is such a hard thing to ever accept and I’m not there yet. We co parent but I don’t have anything more than that to do with him, what a rat. The previous poster said it’s a case of the trash taking itself out which is entirely right, doesn’t make it any easier though.
Chin up and focus on your little son. Nearly a year on and I’m doing ok, parenting alone isn’t as hard as I thought it would be and there’s definitely some positives to making all your own decisions etc