I need someone to listen please

[Watchingstars88]

Hello,
I've got lot on my plate at the moment and struggling to keep everything going. I'm a part time unpaid carer for DM (things like shopping etc), I have a DS with ASD and I work too. My uncle passed away in March suddenly from a myocardial infarction and I've still not accepted it or let it sink in. It doesn't feel real. I don't know if I'm coming or going most days. I've had a history of anxiety and mild depression in the past but not major. I fear this is creeping back up on me but I'm trying very hard to remain positive and active. Well today I was talking to my son's teaching assistant and could feel myself welling up and started to cry in front of her and there were some other parents there too and I quickly pulled my sunglasses down off my head so hopefully they wouldn't know. It always seems to make it worse when people try and be kind and it makes me cry more. I don't even know what made me cry. I think I got overwhelmed in the moment but feel embarrassed now!! . I don't have anyone to talk to in RL as such. It just all feels like it gets a bit much sometimes and this is definitely true this week. It's been suspected for a long time that I'm autistic although not formally diagnosed but I do meet a lot of the 'criteria' and find it really hard to manage and sustain friendships. I'm outside the house in the car writing this as I don't want DH to worry and the DC hear me upset. I don't know what I'm looking for on here, just someone to hear me . Thank you

I hear you... you've got so much on your plate. Every day before you go to bed, write down three things that you have achieved, no matter how small. When you wake up, read those three things from the day before

Poor you

I feel your pain

Sounds like you are doing so much
Go easy on yourself xxxxx

Bless you, you’re dealing with so much. Here, and listening/reading to whatever you want to get off your mind. 🥰

Are you getting out for walks in fresh air? Meeting friends? I'm so sorry for your loss.. it doesn't matter how old or sick someone was, there was only one of them and it's ok to miss them..at the right hand of God, may he rest forever..

OP, please don’t say you “don’t want DH to worry.” He is your partner, he has vowed to love you in sickness and in health - he should be the first person you turn to, knowing that he will comfort and support you and share your burdens. Tell him you are distressed and overwhelmed! Any decent husband would do all he can to help you.
Secondly, if you feel your anxiety and depression are rearing their heads again, make an appointment with your GP and discuss whether your DM is entitled to professional carers coming in daily to take the strain off you, plus consider medication for you.
Finally, try to build some relaxing “ me time” into your stressed and busy week. Get DH to hold the fort while you go out and do something nice - anything - that you will enjoy and that will lift your spirits.
You need some help, OP, before you buckle under the strain. Don’t be afraid to ask for it. Good luck and God bless.

I hear too, sometimes life can be utter shite! I am so sorry you are having such a rubbish time. It might not seem like it now but things will get better you know. Sorry to hear about your uncle too. Have you thought about going to the docs? They could possibly help you, maybe you just need to talk things out to filter everything out in your mind. Doesn’t sound like you get a minute to yourself to think about things.
Hope you feel better soon, we are always here for a chat whenever 😊xx

I hear you. It is hard.
Are you getting any outside help caring for your mum. If you speak to AGE UK, they can advise and help you to get some support.

Thank you all. I've been going for walks with the dog twice a day just to try and get out. My uncle was 59 and it was unexpected, still can't comprehend it. I thought about ringing the Samaritans but not sure if they could help me, I have no experience with using them. I don't want to ring and just cry but it seems like each time I try to speak I feel myself welling up

I hear you too. big hugs. You need to share your thoughts & feelings with your husband. A problem shared is a problem halved.

I can't talk to him, he's very emotionally cold and distant although not unkind. I just feel a massive brick wall when trying to talk to anyone. I feel very desolate and alone with my feelings and emotions. Even when surrounded by people I feel really lonely.

I feel so sorry for you. You should be able to get support from your partner. You might benefit from posting on the relationships board. Do you think your partner resents/ tries to isolate you from your friends and family?

I'm listening and hear you I know what you mean about feeling lonely in a crowd. Might it be easier to talk to us, random faceless strangers on the internet that you never have to see or interact with again if you don't want to?

I mean, to me someone being emotionally cold and distant to someone who is objectively in distress and overwhelmed, is kind of my definition of unkind. I spend hours talking to DH about how we're both feeling, even if it's something that might worry the other it's important that we share these things with each other. Have you tried to tell him how you're feeling and been given the brush-off? Or have you been trying to shield him from how you feel, or even are you fearful to approach him on the basis that he has been cold and distant in the past?

On the practical side - you may need to assess whether your DMum's needs are getting too much for you - remember these needs will only increase over time and better to put stuff in place earlier rather than later. Can you also consider having some grief counselling around your uncle? Or even working through a journal to process how you're feeling, or reading books about it? Sometimes doing something proactive can make you feel you're taking back control of your own wellbeing. Losing a close relative too young is the ultimate loss of control and confronting the unpredictability of life.

I can't thank you all enough for taking the time to write on here and listen to me. I tried to get on here earlier but my phone kept freezing up and the page wouldn't load for some reason.

@Watchingstars88 I’d definitely call the Samaritans, they’ll definitely be able to help just through listening. Although I’ve never phoned the Samaritans I have phoned other helplines and always found them to be so helpful and valuable. Hope you’ve had an okay day today.