My friend doesn't really bother with me now - feeling upset and confused🤔

[Wisteriabloom]

We've been friends about 10 years, since she moved into our village. In that time we've spent lots of time together, sometimes with our partners too.
She's more extrovert than me so I suppose we're quite different, but we've always got on so well!

The last year or two though, she's started cancelling on me a lot☹ We bump into each other in town, she seems happy to see me/really chatty and says text her when I'm free. A day gets agreed on, only for her to cancel by text last minute with a random excuse - not feeling well/needs to food shop🤔/sudden work commitment. Tends to be just an hour's notice, (was 5 MINUTES notice the other week!) I was almost at the coffee shop, she's obv got no thought for my time!

I put a small gift & birthday card for her dd through her door recently (we've always done birthdays for each other & kids). She thanked me, but said she felt guilty because she did nothing for my birthday. She didn't, not even a card through the door, just Happy Birthday on Facebook. Wondering if I should do the same for her birthday in Summer, but I feel sad about it, we used to be so close☹

We're part of a wider group too (connected to a hobby). Another lady who lives in my road usually joins us for the group meet-ups. If she can't make it though, (she sometimes can't due to work), my friend decides not to go either (almost as if she can't be bothered if she'll just be with me)☹

My dh asked when I'm going to say something to her (about the cancelling) and stop letting her 'walk all over me' but it's not an easy thing to raise (for me anyway)! Any advice would be appreciated! I have other friends, but have always been someone who has a handful of 'close' friends rather than a big group, so this is hurting me quite a lot. The bizarre thing is that she still sometimes instigates plans herself, and then just cancels on me! I'd never do that to someone myself, and she's never been that sort of person either, but something's changed🤔

Could she be struggling OP? Outwardly chatty and friendly when you bump into her, but inwardly finding it difficult to summon the energy to keep it up for long and not feeling able to face coffee?

Maybe ask her how she's feeling?

My friends probably recognise this and think of me, but sometimes the effort to be that normally chatty person is too great. Often I am very chatty at work (I need to be) but it leaves me exhausted and I just can't face socialising, or even interaction generally.

Sorry you’re feeling sad about this. But, unfortunately some friendships just run their course. My friend is getting married soon, and I’m not invited. We used to be so close, but have drifted in the last few years. She was my bridesmaid at my wedding and I do feel sad that I won’t even see her walk down the isle. But it’s her day and she should chose the people that mean the most to her. I’m pleased for her, and I know for sure now that the friendship has run it’s course. Invest your time and efforts in other friends who really appreciate you. That’s what I plan to do. 🍀💕

I would also wonder if she's struggling. Could you do the "ask twice" thing, and see if she's really ok?

Maybe ask her if theres something up?
Tell her you notice shes cancelling a lot of plans and you hope shes alright

Many years ago I had anxiety depression and I would sometimes cancel social arrangements at the last minute. Usually because I felt quite panicked about meeting friends, it often wasn’t until a few hours before meeting that I’d realise I couldn’t cope.
To most people I seem socially out going, and only very close friends realised what was going on and understood how to help. It also meant now and again I’d miss birthdays and other occasions because I had so much mentally going on.
I would have struggled with a quiet friend in a one to one social meet-up, I needed someone who could help make the conversation flow a bit.
Unfortunately it can seem to outsiders like extremely thoughtless behaviour, but it’s not personal or deliberate.

Thank you everyone. She could be struggling - tbh because she's such an extrovert, always so full of life, she's not someone you would think of as struggling with anxiety, but it could be a bit of a cover-up. When she cancelled last week she promised to be in touch this week to re-arrange, but hasn't been. (Actually she says that every time she cancels, but very rarely follows it up these days)🤔

If I don't hear from her by Friday I'll text, (may make out I've been waiting to hear from her and have put other plans on hold) so she realises I've noticed! I'll also mention the cancellations, and ask if she's ok as it seems to be happening a lot.

Lalah - that must be upsetting about your friend's wedding. It's a hurtful feeling when someone drifts away from you for no apparent reason.

SilverBirch - Your struggles must have been hard🤔 Haven't thought of it this way, but if you're known as being 'life and soul of the party', the odd time you're maybe not feeling great yourself, it must feel like a pressure to have to sort of 'perform' when it's the last thing you feel like doing!

I'll see if I hear anything this week, not holding my breath though!!

Oh well, again a few weeks have gone by without her getting in touch with me to rearrange (as she promised she would after she cancelled on me yet again)!🤔

She did however, call out to me from her car window as I was on my way to work today ' 'Hi Lovely, We should try and meet up one evening, text me when you're free!' There were a few cars behind her so she had to drive off, and there wasn't time for me to say 'But you keep CANCELLING on me, and you said YOU'D text ME'!

Much as I don't want to lose her as a friend, I'm finding her attitude towards me increasingly irritating, and quite upsetting!

I'd leave it if I were you. If she ever texts you, then you could say how you feel about her keep cancelling. You can't keep chasing after her.

I'd leave it. You sound a bit over invested, tbh

Susannah - Maybe, but I just miss the close friendship we once had. Yes, we're still 'friends', but she seems to have cooled off rapidly, and unless I face the awkwardness of asking why I'll never know!🤔

I have been spending a great deal of time recently pondering friends.
The one who got a new man and dumped her old friends. The one who is permanently busy.They simply are disinterested.
It hurts.

So sorry to hear that Sadperson, it's so hurtful when it happens with no explanation🤔 x

I think you have to let it go. If someone shows no interest in spending time with you; why on earth would you want to spend time with them. You deserve more...

Susannah - Maybe, but I just miss the close friendship we once had. Yes, we're still 'friends', but she seems to have cooled off rapidly, and unless I face the awkwardness of asking why I'll never know!

OP I’m sorry you’re feeling hurt and irritated by this, but sometimes we just outgrow people. You must have had a friend or a boyfriend that didn’t really do anything wrong as such but the friendship just doesn’t quite mean as much as it used to? Try not to take it personally (as odd as that sounds!) We all change and over ten years you will be different and she will be different and whilst she may be very fond of you still perhaps your friendship just isn’t quite right for her now?