Am I depressed, or just stressed?

[DepressedOrJustStressed]

I've been a single mum for two years. I have children with special needs and mental health concerns, with no family support due to my side of the family siding with my DC's abusive father. Family court and divorce settlement have taken longer than usual due to Covid. I work from home - always have done - which is extremely helpful in my circumstances, but also very isolating.

I never get alone time. Ever. I always have a child in the house, due to their age ranges (college from home, etc), and by the time evening rolls round and it's another bout of dinner being made, school uniform being sorted, bed time being battled, etc, I feel completely done-in.

I wake up feeling more cheerful, however. Once I get stuck into work mode, after the chaos of school run, the house is quiet and I can breathe again.

But the stress creeps in by late afternoon and mounts until I collapse at night watching some escapist tv-show.

I frequently fantasise about a different life, where I chose not to get married and have children, I'm living in a different country, travelling and living life according to my whims and desires only. I struggle with feeling deeply bitter about my current circumstances - the DC's father swanning off to a new family with no young children about, no major responsibilities apart from being Disney Dad every other weekend. He plays happy families with my DC and his new wife, pays child maintenance, and gets brownie points for being so hard done by.

Meanwhile I scrape an hour or two of silence here and there, in between working long hours to provide for a large family that I agreed to create with someone who should have been by my side for the rest of my life. Instead he hit me, I protected my DC by kicking him out, and I am left swinging.

I don't know if I will ever get over the injustice of it, and it gnaws at me. The weight of my responsibility seems never-ending, and I am at once terrified of getting it wrong for my DC and also resentful that I have to do it at all.

I'm on the waiting list for therapy, but I've had therapy before and I tend to put on a happy face for therapists and say all the right things, because I feel ashamed for wanting to run away from my life. I'm so angry at the DC's father for doing the exact same thing, and yet that's exactly what I wish I could do.

See also: world-wide pandemic making everything more stressful.

You need more supports. I think you need to talk to your therapist about how you feel, what is wrong, honestly, but also what would practically improve things. Not meaning you aren't trying, but I'm like you i.e. glass is half full, prefer to focus on what is. I found it helpful to stay solution focused.

What's the point of therapy if you won't be honest?
I don't mean to be rude, it's a genuine question. Why bother to go? How do you expect it to help if you don't engage with it?
Honestly op, your feelings about your situation sound perfectly reasonable to me. The problem is that they aren't helpful and you need to make some sort of peace with what has happened. So I would urge you to try again and stop putting on a brave face. Tell the truth, sometimes there's power in just getting it all off your chest.
I'm not surprised you are feeling resentful and exhausted and let down. Your situation sounds really hard.
But you are where you are and it's not going to change for some time.
So my advice would be to get any and all support you can, you need it. If you crack then the consequences will be much more difficult because of your responsibilities.
Are there any support groups you could join to meet parents in similar situations to yours? Spending time with people who really understand what you are dealing with can be really helpful and a great way to vent your feelings.
You need help around the house and I would also look at whether your ex can increase his contact even if he just came and sat with them while you go to the supermarket on your own once a week. Put it to him that you are really struggling and if you get ill through stress he will have to look after them full time.
Can you afford a cleaner? At least that could take some of the burden off you? I don't know the age or abilities of your kids can you get them to do any age/ability appropriate tasks around the house?
Something must change or you are going to make yourself ill. You must prioritise your health (think of it like putting on your own oxygen mask before helping others).
There aren't any quick fixes, it's going to take time and thought. Small changes, baby steps.
I really feel for you and you should not feel ashamed for your understandable feelings.

Sorry I missed the part about your ex being abusive so forget the bit about him taking on more contact

I don't think you sound depressed (but obviously that doesn't mean you aren't), you are coping but definitely stressed. Do you have friends you can confide in? Even far away ones over a telephone call? Sometimes having a rant can help and just talking about stuff offloads a little.

I've had a very difficult couple of years (DS mental health issues) and really wanted to talk to someone about it, but one of my closest friends has a very ill parent so I didn't want to burden her with my problems, until they got very bad and I did anyway. Turns out she was also having major problems with DC too and it helped both of us to talk and to see we aren't alone.

Thanks for these responses.

I know it's ridiculous to lie during therapy, I will address that next session.

I've made a step towards getting more help in place - getting a quote for cleaner's.

The responsibility is crushing, and pp is right, it's not going anywhere any time soon. I just have to get stronger somehow instead.

You can only be strong if you take care of yourself.
If you are the one who has to keep the ship afloat single handed then you need to be taking care of your needs. That's not selfish it's common sense.
Please do be honest with your therapist, I'm sure you will get much more out of it if you do.
I really feel for you, unfortunately due to your circumstances you have to be your own advocate.
Are you eating properly and getting enough sleep? Do you take some exercise?
Definitely get some paid help around the house. It's better than nothing and might allow you to relax a bit more.
Come and talk anytime, there's always someone around.
I really hope things get better for you