I’d love some insight and outside perspective on this.
Arranging to meet up with my sis.
We live an hour apart ,and ( pre coivd) would meet at nice X town equidistant from both of us.
Would have a coffee / lunch at “Kelly’s” café, this was a big part of the day.
I’ve driven to hers three times for garden visits. Sheltered as best as possible when it rained. She has been quite anxious over covid.
Text messages
Me: Do you fancy meeting at X town to go round the charity shops ?
Sis: No, I’m not happy to go round shops yet
Sis : How about a car boot near you ?
Me : Oh there’s a really good one in town Y
Sis : No that will make my journey to long ( 2.5 hour round trip vs 2 hour round trip )
(Car boot in my town decided on)
Sis : I’ll bring a flask of coffee.
Me : You can come to mine for a drink afterwards
Sis : We can’t meet indoors.
Me : I Meant in the garden
Sis: It might rain
*Me : I’ve got the gazebo up
Sis : Lets meet at X town.
Me : We can have on outdoor coffee at Kelly’s café
Sis : I’ll bring my flask
Me: How about we sit in my camper van ? ( doors open / windows down etc )
Sis : no , there’s a lovely church yard we can sit in.
So by the time we did meet up I was a put out that every suggestion I had made was turned down. I think she doesn’t want to come to my house.
On the day
In a shop, I had my umbrella with me.
Me : Oh I must not forget that when we leave
Sis : Oh put it back in the car
Me : I’d rather have it with me
Sis: I’ll walk with you , we can go together
Me: It ok I’m happy to carry it
Sis : It will be easier if we take it back
Me : Id would like to keep it with me ( I had to be quite forceful with this)
Then later on looking at come cakes etc in a shop window, they were expensive, massive slices, but the sort that are realllllyyyy nice and worth the price for a treat. Proper scotch eggs , all hand made etc
Me : Oh I might buy those for Ds birthday tea tomorrow
Sis : What you are going to buy 4 , that’s a lot of money.
Me : ( doubting myself) Oh well I’d buy one or two and then we’d share, oh well I suppose the pudding I ve got already is ok.
Me: ( hungry at this point) Oh I think I’ll have a scotch egg !
Sis : No, no don’t get that it so expensive, we can get a sausage roll from Z shop.
At this point I was just “ Fine , fine” and she was then all “ well do what you want” etc etc but TBF by then I’d just had enough.
We fell out, sis “I KNEW it was about the scotch egg” . I got upset but we did have a coffee and (I assumed) talked things thorough.
I apologised for upsetting her. Apparently she wanted me to take the brolly back in case I knocked over something in the shops and broke as “I know you don’t have much money”.
I am not massively well off but It’s not like I have £££££ in debt and I’m off booking trips to NYC.
For context she often buys clothes that she doesn’t need ( and tells me she doesn’t need ) but it’s her money, I would never question it. She is on an economy drive herself atm so that may have coloured her view of the day.
The next day I wrote a long , ( I thought thoughtful ) text apologizing again and explaining some difficulties I’ve been having recently that may have added to my sensitivity on the day , I thanked her for coming out for her first away from home visit since the first lockdown and suggesting we meet for a car boot when she was free.
She simply responded “ a car boot in the summer would be good” no reference to the rest of the text at all.
I am very much a people pleaser and (after 20 years of an abusive marriage) I am trying to work on my very low self-esteem.
I will just agree to keep the peace and just don’t “answer back” at all , so Sis is , I suppose, used to that and , without her realizing , that is how out interactions play out. I’ve done it for so long that I don’t even realize that I am just “giving in”.
I see it so often recommended “Just tell the other person what you want to happed” etc etc but I tried that with my Sis and it just ended really badly.
I am trying to see it all his from her point of view and see what I could have done differently.
I doubt I will hear form her for months now.
On another occasion a few years ago I was very, very upset, really distressed, nothing to do with her, but the whole situation just came to head whilst I was with her. She did support me and I went home. I did hear anything for her for two months.
It may sound like I bring drama to our meetings but all our many, many meetups apart from 2 have been drama free. I think I need to realize that, for whatever reason, she finds me getting distressed difficult to deal with and keep to lighter topics.
Reading this back it seems petty , it was only an egg TBF , but it just felt so controlling.
Any advice appreciated.