Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Understanding the script

16 replies

Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 16/05/2021 17:03

Hi so my dh is very much following the script to the letter. Found out about his affair back in october and he left and then tried to come back, is currently living at home but things are strained. I'm committed to trying to make things work as there were never actually any issues, only ones he has created to make himself feel better. But I just wanted to know what the purpose of the script is? Does he actually want to stay and can it get better or is it just his way of prolonging the split until I can no longer stand him and throw him out this being the bad guy when he is trying so hard to make it work....

OP posts:
KirstenBlest · 16/05/2021 17:07

The script is where he dumps all the blame on you.

None of it was his fault, it was all your doing. You're the dag guy not him.

It doesn't matter if he wants to stay or not. Bin him.

KirstenBlest · 16/05/2021 17:07

bad not dag Confused

DinosaurDiana · 16/05/2021 17:09

It’s all your fault but he won’t do it again, until he does.
It’s up to you how many times you take him back, but one day you won’t.

Original poster
Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 16/05/2021 17:11

Yeah all the blame is firmly on me, I'm miserable, dont love him, show him no affection, blah, blah, blah. But yet everytime I try and throw him out he says he wants to make it work, loves me, wants to stay together etc. Yet it's still all my fault and he refuses to make any effort. I'm just wondering if it is a midlife crisis type thing, can we come out the other side?? Or will it always be this way?

OP posts:
Original poster
Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 16/05/2021 17:13

I'm happy to be the 'bad guy' and end it if it really is never going to work but I cant see how in the space of a few months we went from being so happy to him having an affair. If it is recoverable then I would like to try and save it as before his personality 180 he really was wonderful.

OP posts:
KirstenBlest · 16/05/2021 17:15

It's your fault, you didn't give him enough attention.
He couldn't help it, she was so nice.
He could talk to her, you don't understand.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He strayed. You didn't. You are not the baddie, he is. He probably came back because his floozie didn't want him.
Get a decent divorce lawyer.

DinosaurDiana · 16/05/2021 17:18

He could be staying because he gets sex/food/clean clothes/clean house with you. Perhaps he’ll leave when he finds that elsewhere, who knows.

Maddox33 · 16/05/2021 17:21

Ah chuck him out and be done with it all. Living like this is no fun. Send him back to his mistress and don't let him come back next time.

This situation is not your fault, it's his behaviour that has caused this.

Original poster
Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 16/05/2021 17:37

She does want him, she is begging him to come back to her. But the ins and outs dont matter, I do understand that it is his fault and that he is rewriting history to make himself feel better. But what I want to know is can it get better again or will it always be him not knowing whether he wants to stay or not? Always feeling like he is trapped here because he has to be or can/does it get back to being ok?? I do know this is his doing but ultimately I would like my marriage to work out if it can

OP posts:
KirstenBlest · 16/05/2021 18:05

Why is he still in contact with her if he wants to make his marriage work?

Original poster
Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 16/05/2021 18:20

He isnt, she recently sent him an email to tell him she loves him and wants to be with him. He didnt respond.

OP posts:
KirstenBlest · 16/05/2021 18:55

OK.
If you both want it to work, then it's probably not impossible. I am not the best person to advise, but your best bet is to nip the blaming you in the bud.

Basically he lied, he cheated and he shagged someone else. You did not. Take him back on your terms.

Original poster
Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 16/05/2021 19:55

I do think he does and I think I do too. If it wasnt for the children then it would be over not that I'm saying we would stay only for them. What we had was so good. I'm not sure he is in the right place to accept that he is in the wrong just yet, I do think he genuinely believes this is my fault and that for it to work I have to change but I cant when I'm the exact same person I always have been

OP posts:
KirstenBlest · 16/05/2021 20:06

How can it be your fault? (rheorical question)

You're not likely to be full of the joys of spring when you are having to come to terms with his infidelity.

Bin him.

KirstenBlest · 16/05/2021 20:08

rhetorical.

He needs to accept that he has cheated, he has lied, he has betrayed your trust.

Boonlark · 16/05/2021 20:12

The script is his way of not facing what he's done, and that it was all his choices.

The script allows him to blame anyone except himself, and if he's doing that, he's not a safe partner for you, as he's still in the cheating mindset

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.