Church wedding question / advice please

[SWnewstart]

DD only child. I was widowed when she was 10 (a real daddy's girl, took it badly and it's been a long road to healing). We're very close and having recently become engaged, DD has posed a question. For a long time after her dad died she would often say to me "who will walk me up the aisle when I get married?" Fast forward 18 years and we both now live 100+ miles from the village she was born in and we lived as a family.

DD would actually like to be married in the church where her dad is buried, so he can "be with her on her wedding day" and I'm really touched at this sentiment. We were married there, she was christened there and DH is in the churchyard. We visit on his anniversary each year but that's all contact we have with the church. The ceremony would just be DD and fiance, me and his mum with a blessing a week later at a venue close to where they live, in another county. The blessing would be attended by friends and family and, to all intents and purposes, would be the "wedding" from their perspective.

Would such a scenario be possible? I don't want her to get hopes up of having her dad "around" and contact vicar if it can't be done. For a number of reasons they would prefer not to have the "big" wedding at the church. Is it a crazy idea that won't work? Advice please!

Yes I think it could work - as far as I’m aware from the CofE website, you can get married in a church that you have a connection with (such as the ones you describe, parents married there, being christened there, or being a member of the congregation for more than six months at any point in time). I think it’s up to the discretion of the vicar, so i would get in touch as soon as you can and ask. Mention all the reasons you have above, and hopefully they’ll say yes!
I got married in my childhood village church having not lived there for a decade, but I was christened there and went to services every week there until I moved away for uni. Fingers crossed for you!

I'm sure it will be fine. I believe it's called a 'qualifying connection'.

I think it’s up to the vicar not Mn but sounds like a qualifying connection to me

Yes you can. Out of courtesy, many people in this situation receive “permission” from their home vicar. It’s not necessary but it keeps everything friendly.

If you’ve previously lived there it’s a qualifying connection. I could have got married in the town I grew up in (as it is I married in the next door village as my grandparents had married there and that counted as a qualifying connection too). The CofE Your Church Wedding website is really helpful.

www.yourchurchwedding.org/

Sorry meant to post this link: www.yourchurchwedding.org/article/finding-a-church/

*You can marry in a Church of England church if you can show that one of you:

has at any time lived in the parish for a period of at least 6 months, or
was baptised (christened) in the parish concerned, or
is confirmed and your confirmation was entered in the register of confirmations for a church or chapel in the parish (this will usually be the case if you were prepared for confirmation in the parish), or
has at any time regularly gone to normal church services in the parish church for a period of at least 6 months
or

That one of your parents, at any time after you were born:

has lived in the parish for a period of at least 6 months, or
has regularly gone to normal church services in the parish church for a period of at least 6 months

or

That one of your parents or grandparents:

was married in the parish*

It should be allowed. I had a family member in similar circumstances. She was allowed to marry in the church where a parent was buried. Visited the grave afterwards with her husband and laid her bouquet there. It was very moving and entirely appropriate. The vicar referenced this in the service.

Yes I was married in the church where my parents were married and were both buried but it had never been "my" church. We had to get a special licence which was quite a complicated procedure. We also laid my bouquet on their grave. My best friend did the same thing.

What a lovely wedding it will be! Hope everything works out x

I should have added it was at the discretion of the local vicar and he had turned down a couple where the bride had grown up in the village but had moved away. I had asked him on the day of my mother's funeral. I guess he felt sorry for me.

We chose a church in the next village to our reception venue and had zero connection to it. We had to do 6 Sunday services on the run up to the wedding to "qualify"

All you need to do is speak to the vicar at the church and explain why they want to get married at that church. Her father being buried there, might be enough of a reason, or they might ask them to attend the services

Thank you so much for all the comments. I will now check out the links and if all seems do-able (as it would appear) we will get in touch with the vicar. 2023 seems a long time ahead but there's lots to plan!

You just have to demonstrate a "connection" to the church - I live a long way away from where I was married but all the women in my family had married there including parents and the priest was happy to do it on that basis (this was Church of England)

I hope the request won't be dependent on the couple attending a number of services beforehand - they live more than 100 miles away!

Not sure if you still have to have your banns read, if so they'd need to do that in their local church and the wedding church. You used to have to attend for both.

I think it used to be they were read 3 times at each church in the 3 months before the wedding.

If you already have a qualifying connection, you don't have to attend services. That is a way of you qualifying at a church you have no prior connection to.

I think you still need banns read. When we had ours read, they suggested we might want to attend at least one of the weeks, but this wasn't compulsory.

Different vicars tend to have different levels of 'strictness' around the rules, but they are usually keen to have people marry in church, especially when there is a particular reason like yours, rather than just being a church somewhere pretty. Not that there is anything wrong with that!

I would question any vicar who could not be moved by your situation.
We got married in Oxford, where we lived, my father married us ( he was a vicar but his parish was in London) and the incumbent of the Oxford parish was absolutely happy with this.
Write to the vicar, outlining all you have said here. I wish you a happy outcome.

Yes, you still need the bans read, for 3 consecutive weeks

I'm touched by all your good wishes for a positive outcome

It might be changing about the banns as they’re moving to digital registration of weddings and couples need to get the certificate from the registry office after the ceremony. I was married last year and apparently we’ll be the last couple to have signed the physical register as they’ve done no weddings since.

I’d be surprised if a vicar said no under your circumstances

I married in the same church my parents did, and where I was christened. My grandparents are buried there too. It was fine! The vicar just put us down as having a connection to the church, no service attendance required.

Just keep in mind that they will need the banns read both in their local church, and the one they get married in, so two sets of paperwork, and they will need to attend a marriage preparation day thing at the church where the service will be. I don't know if they will let you do that at your local church instead, given the distance. Worth an ask!

It should be OK, it's a qualifying connection, but you need to speak to both vicars really. They may have to attend regularly in their home parish for a number of services first. Then you get a special license which is easily done.

What a lovely idea, good luck with it. I'm sure the local vicar will be happy to accommodate