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Trigger warning- sexual abuse/emotional incest

11 replies

OneFlewOverHogarts · 15/05/2021 16:02

NC for this as very outing. Quite long but will try and keep it as brief as possible. So my mum and biological dad broke up before I was born and they never had any contact after that. When I was 2 my mum met and married Steve (not real name) who adopted me as his own. They had two children together, one of whom had severe learning difficulties. Steve had a good job but was a functioning alcoholic and would often have been verbally and emotionally abusive to us as well as occasionally physical. I used to be terrified of him when I was small and would run to my bedroom when I heard his car come in from work. My mum had it difficult with DBs additional needs (he was very violent) and Steve wasn't supportive due to the drinking so I would have done most of the childcare at weekends when my mum worked. I was very unhappy at home and never felt loved. I always felt my mum put Steve and my brothers before me and never felt as if I was a part of the family. Steve very much dominated the household and i would have often got the brunt if his anger if anything went wrong as i was the oldest. In my teens I became very promiscuous and fell pregnant at 16. When my mum and Steve found out they were furious but overnight steves attitude towards me had changed and the next day he was making sleazy remarks about me having sex whilst pregnant etc. Just to add, Steve also had an addiction to porn. Anyway, as soon as I became pregnant Steve began to treat me differently, showering me with attention and making me feel really special. I felt uncomfortable with this but also flattered as I'd felt my whole life he'd hated me up until this point. Whilst pregnant, I found he was watching pregnancy porn. Shortly afterwards I moved out. Ds was born and I had quite bad PND. My mum was still struggling at home with DB and steves drinking. Steve would visit me and again shower me with compliments etc. He also revealed to me very personal aspects of him and my mums sex life as well as telling me how he was cheating on her (with both men and women). He would have frequently asked me about details of my own sex life and would have encouraged me to be promiscuous (I had zero self esteem and would have slept with anyone who gave me the time of day) I told my mum this but was worried what Steve would do if he knew I told her. Things came to a head when he visited me one day and told me he would pay me for sex. Of course I said no and made it clear I was extremely uncomfortable. At this point I think he realised he went too far and stopped coming around etc. I told my mum but again told her not to say anything but I stopped visiting the family home. A few years later (after asking me) she had it out with him and he admitted that he became fixated with me. He said I was partly to blame as I indulged him (which I guess i did to an extent but I was so lonely and desperate for his validation my whole life). She ended up staying with him and he did apologise a few years ago for his behaviour. I said I forgave him but I never really did. What hurts the most though is how my mum stayed with him after it all even though she knew how much I felt like she betrayed me. This happened over 10 years ago but I still have periods where I think about it all and feel so angry and resentful of my mum. I've never felt comfortable around Steve since and never visit home because of this. I dont really know what I'm looking for from this post, maybe just some advice on how to move forward or stories of anyone else who's been in a similar situation. Apologies for the essay but didn't want to drip feed (although there's actually quite a bit i left out).

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OneFlewOverHogarts · 15/05/2021 16:12

Sorry, just to add, I've been thinking a lot about my past behaviour too and I'm extremely ashamed of how promiscuous I was. Part of me thinks my life would have been very different if it wasn't for Steve but then another part thinks maybe I was just 'born bad'. Im struggling to let go of how awfully I treated people in the past (cheated on numerous boyfriend's, had affairs with married men and dabbled in sex work). I'm currently married and have never cheated on DH (nor would I ever), but I'm so consumed with disgust and anger at myself for the way I used to be as well as feelings of hurt and anger towards my mum for staying with him. I have sought counselling in the past but found it too difficult.

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wishes1111 · 15/05/2021 16:12

I just want to say I'm so sorry! You did not encourage this, you are the victim.

If I was to say what I'd like to do to Steve, I'd probably be kicked off here.

Your mum has failed you. I'm so sorry OP. I hope you can heal ♥️

OneFlewOverHogarts · 15/05/2021 16:30

Thank you very much for your kind words @wishes1111. I do believe my mum failed me but I think to an extent she was a victim too. It just makes me sad that she continues to play happy families with him as if nothing has happened. I don't know how much of my behaviour can be "excused" by my upbringing though and that's the part I'm struggling to reconcile with.

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wishes1111 · 15/05/2021 16:40

@OneFlewOverHogarts My mum was a drug addict and I was abused by her dealers. She was a victim of addiction and I paid the biggest price for that.

It's our parents jobs to protect us, I know domestic violence/abuse/the strain of having a disabled child (my sister is autistic) is a lot to battle with and not easy to just up and go but her job was to protect her children.

If there was ANY doubt, or any allegations, made about my DH regarding abuse or harassment or any kind of sexual abuse, as much as I adore him, he would be gone.

We are all here to chat to you and help you xx

wishes1111 · 15/05/2021 16:42

Also, in regards to your "promiscuous" past, please do not dwell on this. We all have a past, we've all had trauma (some more than others), we've all made mistakes, we are human beings.

Forgive yourself and learn to love who you are, I hope your marriage and children bring you the happiness you deserve. You're not a bad person.

DinosaurDiana · 15/05/2021 16:46

Some people stay because it’s easier. She may not be able to see how she could leave.

ChiefBabySniffer · 15/05/2021 16:54

Op, I had a very similar past with step dads and mum clearly favouring my sister etc. I was raped and abused by my step dads best master for years and when I finally told my mum she refused to believe me. I went off the rails, became very promiscuous to the point I've got no idea how many people I have sex with but I know it's well over 1000. But the promiscuity was a response to the trauma. I was desperate for love and affection and basically traded sex for feeling close to somebody for a few hours. I also got sex and love very confused while I was trying to gain validation anywhere I could.

But none of it was my fault. I'm not ashamed of my past, is been very important in terms of my healing that I have accepted it and realised that I was just a very traumatised young woman and I was failed terribly. I also treated people terribly and shat on so many good friends. But I realised that I was not a bad person and with the help of my husband and a great psychotherapist I have really worked on developing a healthy self respect and have forgiven myself for what I did. I've even forgiven my parents and the man that raped me and the hundreds and hundreds of men that took advantage of a clearly traumatised teenager.

You are not helping yourself by blaming yourself. Accept you are flawed, you made mistakes and your parents failed you terribly and let yourself heal.

OneFlewOverHogarts · 15/05/2021 17:12

@wishes1111 I'm so sorry you've experienced such trauma and paid the price for your mums weaknesses. My brother is autistic too (non verbal and extremely challenging behaviour) so I'm sure you were in the position of having to play mum also, when your own mother was unable to fulfill that role. I completely agree that it's maybe overly simplistic from a child's point of view to just leave, but like you say it's a mothers job to protect her children. When I ask my mum why she never left she always brings up about how difficult it was managing my DB, and it undoubtedly was very difficult for her, however even with DB went into residential care (about 5 years ago) she still stayed. Thank you again for your kindness and understanding as well as not judging me for my past.

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OneFlewOverHogarts · 15/05/2021 17:19

@DinosaurDiana yes I do think she felt she couldn't leave due to being unable to manage DB by herself
@ChiefBabySniffer I'm so sorry that you went through that. I can't imagine how devastating it would have been when your mum didn't believe you. I'm sure that betrayal hurt more than the abuse itself. I understand completely what you mean about seeking validation from anywhere just to feel worthy of some semblance of love/desire. I'm so glad you have managed to recover from such trauma especially being able to forgive all those who abused you and let you down. You're truly a remarkable person. Thank you for sharing your story ❤

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mindutopia · 15/05/2021 18:20

I’m so sorry you’ve gone through this. You’ve been very brave. I would Google the Second Wound. It’s a blog about recovering from sexual abuse when your family has not been supportive and casts you as at fault.

I’ve not been in the same situation, but my stepdad sexually abused his own daughter. My mum has supported him. His daughters and I have been painted as ‘horrible’ and ‘manipulative’ for refusing to be okay with it (we are all NC). It’s awful. But astonishingly common for families (partners especially) to rally around the abuser and cast anyone who doesn’t support them out. I know several families where abuse has happened and none of them have supported the child who was abused.

There is a huge community of people out here who have been through the same, sadly. You’re aren’t alone, even though it’s horribly painful.

OneFlewOverHogarts · 15/05/2021 19:23

Thank you for your message @mindutopia. I googled the second wound and I see it's run by a social worker who is a survivor of sexial abuse. It's depressing how common it is for victims to be shunned/blamed/disbelieved by their families. That's horrific what your stepfather done to his daughter. It's sad you lost your mother because of what he done, but it's her loss. I'm lucky in the sense my mum did believe me at least. Truthfully I don't know if what he done to me would actually be classed as 'sexual abuse' as he never actually physically acted on it. It certainly was inappropriate behaviour, but I don't know if abuse is the right word. Not trying to minimise his actions but they do pale in comparison to what many others have been through.

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