21yr old with no sex drive

[Downtherefordancing]

I really wasn't sure where to put this ... but any words of advice greatly appreciated.

My oldest DS is 21. He is a lovely lad (I am obviously a wee bit biased) .. chatty, witty, good looking. He loves fashion and usually looks cool .. not spending lots, but looking in vintage shops etc.

He is very open with me and has told me previously he doesn't like sex but he does like having a girlfriend. Someone to spend time with, go out with, have meals with etc.

He spent most of lock down with his flat-mate but then in the last few months he found a girlfriend and she only lives a 10 minute walk away from his. They have spent lots of time together and I was hoping he had got over his problem with sex, but this week she finished with him. The main reason being that he didn't want to have sex with her.

I do understand it from her point of view but my heart breaks for my boy. He loved her and just loved being with her.

Has anyone experienced this? Could counselling help? We do know he has low testosterone so could hormones help?

I just want to help him but don't know what to do.
Thanks for reading

He could have low testosterone but he may also be asexual

Sounds likely to be related to the low testosterone. Does he want to want sex? If so, he should speak to his doctor. If not, he needs to find someone else with a low sex drive.

That's between them ultimately.

If he wants to be having sex and is worried about why he doesn't feel sexual arousal and whether hormonal supplementation is an option he can see a doctor for the relevant testing and conversation himself but it sounds just as likely he is simply on the spectrum of asexuality, like many people are.

There's nothing abnormal about that, having sex doesn't make you a normal person and isn't the be all and end all of life. Rather than worry about whether or not he is having it I would focus on encouraging him to explore how he feels about his sexuality and express support that these things are normal and there are lots of people enjoying romantic and intimate relationships that are absent of sex ( be that entirely, partially or very infrequently).

Whilst it is a knock to have a relationship end ultimately he needs to understand himself and his needs so he can date people he's compatible with in the sexuality sense and learn to have open conversations about it with prospective partners and with himself.

Lots of resources online about the awwcualoty spectrum that he can direct himself to with a google and see if that resonates with him or not.

Google about asexuality and check out www.asexuality.org/ they have helpful forums too.

Is HE bothered about not wanting sex? I'm 42 and have never had it and it doesn't bother me.

Thanks for the replies.

He is exploring the asexual angle. We have talked about it. He says he does get aroused but still does not want sex. He has even considered he may be gay but has tried that and it was no different.

I suppose we get hung up on what is normal. He is so happy when in a relationship. It just makes me sad when he is upset.

I assume there must be other young people feeling the same so there will be someone out there for him. He does want to be part of a relationship.

Asexuality is just another orientation so thinking of sexuality as normal/not normal isn't helpful. Asexual people can feel arousal as it's not a hormone issue, a straight guy only surrounded by other guys will sometimes feel aroused - it's just not linked to a person.

If he is asexual (and I'm not here to diagnose) then it will reduce his dating pool but lots of things do. He might want to look at the difference between romantic orientation and sexual orientation. He can still have a relationship, be in love etc without sex but it wont be as easy as it would be for a sexual person. He should be aware of his limits and not force himself to do more than he wants - some people are comfortable with hand holding/hugging/kissing/etc, and some are not comfortable with anything.

How is your son getting on?