Solo Parenting Help and tips please

[Aurora791]

So as I sit here at 5am on 4 hours sleep and a baby who will only sleep on me tonight because of teething, I realise I need some help. My OH works in a job that means he is away a lot, for long periods of time. We live where we do because of his work, so are hundreds of miles away from family. I have a busy and demanding full time job which I love, and an 18 month old who goes to nursery full time.

At the moment while OH is away I exist in a strange Groundhog Day of wake early with baby, morning routine, nursery run, work, nursery run, quality play time with the baby, evening routine, quick dinner, finish work/a little chill /some life admin, bed. With working from home I go most days without seeing another adult in person barring the baby’s key worker at drop off. I often have to work through lunch so napping/getting out isn’t always an option. Covid has done a number on me because of doing all this alone with no support locally, and juggling nursery closures and work deadlines. so although I’m doing ok, I’m exhausted and run down, and my resilience is not as high as normal. I need to make sure I stay ok because OH isn’t home until next year.

At the moment sleep is super disrupted because of teething. We moved to this area during lockdown so I have no help locally and physically have nobody to hand the baby off to. I haven’t been able to make any mum friends becasue everything has been closed. My family are coming down once things open up next week, but my baby has only met them a few times, and not since she was a tiny baby last summer, so I expect her to be difficult around them at first.

How do single or solo parents do it (and please don’t say you just have to because thats obviously what I’m doing). What’s are all your little hacks to help make life as easy as possible?

Already tried:
-Packing nursery bags the night before
-Ready meals so that I don’t need to cook once I’ve got the baby down.

• Using annual leave to catch up on sleep/housework.

-Reducing hours at work isn’t possible. OHs profession is such that the wives tend not to work because of the frequent moving etc. That isn’t an option for me to give up my career, plus I’m the higher earner so it’s also not a feasible suggestion anyway (public sector pay is so shit it’s impossible to run a one earner household on it if you ever want to be a homeowner etc (which we are-we don’t live on site in the accommodation that comes with his work so I also don’t have that support network around me).

Sorry for the essay-didn’t want to drip feed!

Cook in the afternoon when you get home from nursery. If it’s a ready meal or something similar, should only take 30 minutes. Eat dinner with your dc, tidy up quickly from dinner before you go up for bedtime. Then you have the whole evening to finish up any work or small tasks and then go to bed (early, ideally).

If you wake up early anyway, you can probably get a lot done in the morning that you don’t have to do in the evening when you’re tired. Especially while baby is eating breakfast. Eat your own breakfast while you start work if necessary. I do a lot of packing bags, loading dishwasher, putting washing on during breakfast.

When your partner is not working, he takes on the bulk of childcare, cooking, tidying, bedtime to give you the break he gets the rest of the time.

I would hire in some help in your senario. You say most other families don’t have one parent working due to other work commitment, there’s a reason for that in that you can’t be stretched in so many ways, living in an environment with no other support or local family/friends.

So get someone in. I would get a nanny two days a week instead of the nursery. Nanny will arrive at your house so you aren’t rushing about getting baby ready and nursery runs those days. Meaning you have time to take a proper lunch break or start/ finish earlier. Nanny will also take over child’s house related stuff like laundry, bedding, and cook for baby, leaving a few less things for your to have to do in evenings.

And I would look at reducing work hours. I know you say you can’t, but I don’t mean stop working, but discuss if working maybe one hour less per day is possible. That extra 5hrs per week will allow for evenings not to be so rushed.

What life admin?

I have no practical suggestions but wanted to offer you my support in terms of saying I have walked in your shoes and it is incredibly difficult. From your description my ex husband was in the same line of work. I had 2 children under 2, moved hundreds of miles between their births, had no family nearby and a career when every other women for miles around did nothing other than go to playgroups and be obsessed with how much rank their husband had. Husband away for moths at a time. I realised I was simply existing in a world were I was way down the list of priorities. I tried various things but ultimately that life wasn't for me.

My solution was to buy a house near my family and set up a more stable life for me and my kids. There was literally no benefit for continuing in that miserable lifestyle which frankly didn't give a shit for the well-being of families. It worked brilliantly for us, and I have no regrets. I know that this will not be preferable for many people, but please do remember it is a choice that you have available to you. You matter too

Hi @Aurora791 I fully understand. it's my night off and barely slept as older 2 came in rolling drunk laughing, then continued to piss around in the kitchen yakking and now my youngest aged 9 has been awake since 05.30. My advice is sleep when baby sleeps, the housework can wait. When your tired everything seems so much worse, catch up on your sleep and hopefully everything will seem a lot easier.

Also it's not impossible to be a solo public sector worker with a mortgage because I am one. I would move back home until hubby returns and then go back too work. I assume Armed Forces?

You have 2 good salary's coming in the house, I would seriously think about your mental health before anything, if your DH is away until next year then rent your house out and go back home to where your support network is.

If your little one is 18 months you’re probably on the cusp of things getting easier with sleep and that will make a huge difference.
I’m a single parent and one thing I did at that age was go to bed at child bedtime once a week. It helped massively with how I felt.
Other suggestions are invite friends over for dinner at the weekend so you have some adult interaction. And ask at nursery if anyone babysits. Try to go out at least once a month. Dinner, cinema, drink with a friend - anything to feel adult again.
Finally if work is too busy for you to take a lunch break try and have 2 mornings a week when you nursery drop off a bit early. Use one to tidy up and one to go for a walk or a run or something to get moving.
If you don’t already have one get a cleaner on the day you tidy.
Good luck - this is the hardest part. It gets a lot easier once sleep improves !
Xx

It's a awful existence, my niece is in the same position as you, moved from Catterick last summer with 2 kids and her hubby is away as well. I really do feel for you.

Thanks for the support and advice everyone, really is appreciated, I didn’t think I’d get any replies at all.

Definitely agree about the prioritisation of myself and my mental health. Moving home sadly isn’t really an option as I need to be in the office occasionally and I don’t want to have to give up my job entirely (plus both sets of parents are in devolved nations which has made lockdown logistics even harder). But I’ll definitely look to get a cleaner and see if I can get a few earlier starts for nursery (thanks for that idea @wildseas) so I buy myself back a little time back. I’m also due a chat with my boss next week so will broach a 4 day week or more flexible working so I can nap/ get out to exercise a bit in working hours.

And thanks for all those forces families who get it, and thanks for your honesty @Restlessinthenorth, it’s definitely a lifestyle that is a bit different and not for everyone, so it’s something to consider if I ever get to the point of not coping!

Agree with going to your bed at the same time as your child. You will eventually feel a bit better and find that you get a bit of time in the morning to get some admin done. Also, bulk buy things like tinned fruit, tea, washing powder when your husband is home to save you precious minutes on your own. Also, I find making sure the bin is empty before it needs it and floor wipes from Home Bargains to tidy up the floor space beside where I prepare food buys extra days cleanliness in the kitchen. I don't blitz the house anymore. I find it's of time and do small jobs. Also, I'd prepare for the life admin as much as possible when he's home so you can organise what is going on together. Gifts etc. It might mean thinking way ahead of time but it will free up your headspace.