DD Behaviour

[Dntevenknowit]

Long time poster name change

I feel awful writing this post. I have five children and a year ago split from their dad. He is very volatile and controlling and always was. My daughter who is 9 is becoming a real challenge and I feel the old phrase of ‘i love u but not sure I like you’ is very accurate.

DD has in the last few months become increasingly volatile. She will shout, scream and hit out at her brothers. She tries to control everything I do - doesn’t like me going out when she’s at her dads and she seems so so on edge all the time.

I feel she is trying to fill the controlling void he left and almost that he’s taught her I can’t cope so she needs to be the adult for me. I’m so frustrated - she follows me everywhere and constantly wants attention whether negative or positive.

I really could do with some advice. I honestly feel like jumping in my car and driving until I ended up somewhere far away just to give me a break. Any advice on how to help her or how to help me survive.

Thank you

Family counselling?

If I felt talking it through with her wasn’t having an impact I think I would call a professional counsellor

Well you split in the past year and one of mine was difficult for a whole year after we split. She blamed herself, thought she must have done something wrong. It's only by talking to your child and asking how she feels about your new way of life that she has to fit into. She may feel worried and not secure, her whole life that she knew, you, dad and siblings all together has gone. Start talking.

We’re talking loads. Spending nigh after night chatting and talking things through but it seems to work for a night and then the next night she is shouting at me telling me I’m awful etc. She seems, like her dad, to have very little understanding of the impact she is having and doesn’t see why there are consequences when she behaves how she does. Im exhausted with it all but trying.

Try and take out of your head that she is like her dad, this is not helpful for either of you. Try and re look at it as she is a young child who has had a huge change in her life which was upsetting and out of her control and she is trying to make sense of it in her own way. Keep talking and reassuring her that you are fine, you are not leaving her and life can be good.

She seems, like her dad, to have very little understanding of the impact she is having and doesn’t see why there are consequences when she behaves how she does. Im exhausted with it all but trying.

Well she is only 9, of course she has no understanding of the impact her behaviour has. She’s also been allowed to witness a controlling abusive father for how long…. Comparing her to her father is outright awful. She’s a child who’s hurting and confused. Get her some counselling, she deserves that much.

I dont think comparing her to her father is disgusting. She has two parents and has adopted his approaches. I’m asking how I cope with this from the perspective of it triggers all the feelings I used to have with him ie I walked in the room the other day and she said ‘what you wearing that for? You look awful’ - which is what he would have said as you could see slight cleavage. She then was shouting at me when I wouldn’t change.

Its so hard as I love her and want to help her but find it so so difficult as she always wants control and for once I wanted to be the adult and make decisions. The rest of her siblings have accepted it and say they are much happier now.

I understand that it triggers your feelings but this is not her fault. If she says she does not like what your wearing then just be consistent, say well I do like my outfit today and I am going to enjoy wearing it and then move on. If she keeps at you stay calm and repeat. She is using control of you because she feels out of control in other areas of her life and if she has seen behaviour from her dad then she is just mimicking it. Her reaction to things may be very different from her siblings but that is ok you just have to keep reassuring her and get her to trust and understand your choices.

Comparing her to an abusive man isn’t right. She has learned this behaviour is acceptable and appropriate, that is not her fault. It is her father and you (though I don’t think you intended to harm her, you were being abused yourself) that exposed her to this behaviour and taught her it was acceptable. Counselling is needed to undo the damage done to her, it’s not something that can be done without outside help and support. I wish you and her all the best

She sounds like she is not sure of her place in the family at the moment. I would try Mind Time for you. The individual counselling my DS saved him.

It's learnt behaviour.

The best way to help her change the negative is to ignore it, praise the good and model nice ways of talking.

So every day "you look nice/smart/clean today DD. I can see you've sent time getting yourself ready." "I'm really proud of the way you did x"

When she says things about your appearance "I like what I'm wearing and what I wear is my choice. What shall we have for dinner today?"

Thank you. Its so hard

@Dntevenknowit this is a really bloody tough time for you too, do you have some help and support for yourself? Things might be rough right now but they won’t always be, remember that you’ve been through hell too and this isn’t all on you. He sounds like a right wanker and is responsible for all of this

A bit of a different perspective - as I agree that family counselling and counselling for your DD is probably useful.

My DD is 9 and is exhibiting some of the same tendencies (not all) and DH and I are still together and happy.

I think some of it is a start of some of the hormone changes, as she now has BO when she gets hot, which is new.

The kicking off when I leave the house, even when DH is at home, quite controlling, now screaming at her sibling when she was pretty passive before.

So get her some counselling, and obviously ignore the things that you can see have come from your ex - like telling you what to wear. Those things will take time to dim.

But it might be being exaggerated by hormonal changes too.

Thank you @Comeinoutoftherain - that’s really helpful re the hormone changes as she is very developed and thank you @ConfusedAdultFemale unfortunately i have very limited family support.

Not to drip feed but there was a lot of domestic violence as well and while the children didn't ever see it I don't think I realised how much they heard or the atmosphere they lived in. Unfortunately I tried to tell my family what had gone on and they believed him or believed his minimising as they said im firey too so they can see Id have done things rather than the reality of what it was.

I’m really trying just finding it very hard as feel on edge as just like with him I never knew what I would be facing I feel the same anxieties with her as she can be fine one minute and volatile the next.

I'm sorry you've been through that, it's so hard to deal with and you've done so well to get out of it.

Hang on in there, you are still in the early stages and it will take time to settle down.

You sound like you are doing an amazing job x