Dealing with narcissism

[catsarebetter]

Hi,
Does anyone have any experience of dealing with a narcissistic husband?
After doing quite a bit of research, my husband shows many signs of narcissism, such as sense of entitlement, inflated self worth, selfishness, lack of empathy, extreme self centredness, superiority etc.
TBH when I realised that everything I was reading was exactly what he was like, it was something of a relief after years and years of thinking that I'm just not good enough, wondering why it's me who's always wrong, knowing deep down that I'm a nice person yet being told that I have all these faults and frankly being very confused most of the time about what I had done/said that was so bad.
What I'm wanting to know is how best to deal with it, we have children and the situation is not a terrible one, so it seems wrong to leave and mess up their lives. Talking to him is not an option as in his mind he is perfect and refuses to listen to anything I have to say. I have some good friends who are a support but I'm struggling with the day to day stuff of how to deal with it all. I'd really like to hear from someone who has experience of this and how they found the best way to remain with their partner but enjoy life as well, as at the moment I find that I enjoy myself far more when it's just me and the kids or when I'm on my own.

You will never be good enough for him at all ,and your self worth will suffer greatly.
You need to consider if you can stay with him really, my ex husband is exactly like this. That's why hes my ex

@Inthesameboatatmo
Yeah, I'm understanding now that I'll never be good enough so have stopped trying so hard which is quite liberating in itself. I'm torn between ripping the family apart as I feel it's being selfish as I'm the only person it would benefit and thinking that I just need to learn to deal with it. That many people have less than perfect marriages and the grass isn't always greener.

@catsarebetter the grass is greener when dealing with a partner like that.
You will wonder how you carried in for so long .
Give yourself some credit here.
You deserve better and you know you do

Bottom line is, you CAN’T deal with it. I am 74, and my husband was a classic narcissist, it took me more than 10 years to discover why he was like he was. I say ”was”, because he died 10 years ago (he was 14 years older than me), and while I was very sad at his death (he had been ill for quite a while), I felt totally liberated and free.
You are still young if you have children, and I would advise thinking very carefully whether you want to live the rest of your life treading on eggshells. While splitting up might seem a drastic thing to do, you would probably be much happier in the long run. Think of it like ripping a plaster off - painful at the time, but much better later.

If you want to stay in the relationship, and if you don't, work on your own mental health. Find out how you can be yourself and have healthy detachment from him.

I reread this article when I get fed up with my narc ex and it helps me so maybe it will help you, as a starting point: healthy detachment

Ask whether you want to waste your life adjusting your behaviour in order to deal with his behaviour. He won't change because he doesn't see a need to. Happily be on your own or find someone who gives you the care and respect you need. That is definitely NOT selfish. If anyone questions your decision, ignore then.

He may have some traits that you have found relate to a narcissist but googling alone cannot give him a diagnosis.

People can just be horrible without having to have any kind diagnoses condition.

If he’s horrible, leave as staying with a horrible person is only going to worsen over time and your children shouldn’t have to grow up in that atmosphere.

Blow smoke. Paint a picture of him being a good and generous husband and praise him for it and he will be more likely to follow through. Detatch. Be prepared to leave, get independence mentally and financially. When he goes off the rails be prepared to follow through and see if there's a hoover. Knowledge is power. Never assume he will do as he says. Be good humoured about taking everything with a pinch of salt and have back up plans/your own plans for outings and big days and celebrations. Be prepared for him to put a downer on special days not about him or that you're looking forward to.

You’re not the only one who would benefit from the split. Your DC will be subject to his behaviour and the “not good enough” trap that DH sets. You would be liberating them too, although splitting from a narc needs to be done very carefully.

@Rainbowshine

You’re not the only one who would benefit from the split. Your DC will be subject to his behaviour and the “not good enough” trap that DH sets. You would be liberating them too, although splitting from a narc needs to be done very carefully.

Exactly. Living this way will damage them. Staying with him is what will mess up their lives.

Google H G Tudor. He has hundreds of articles and videos to explain and support

@SiulaGrande
Thanks for the article on healthy detachment, it's brilliant, certainly something I'll be revisiting. I actually had an experience of doing this at the weekend. He made a hurtful comment about what a nasty person I was and how I need to have more empathy (oh, the irony) because he needed me to give him what he wanted, and I just treated it like a joke and carried on as normal and the situation never progressed. It was weird, and so quick, like all the wind was just taken out of his sails.

That sounds a good experience. Good luck with more.