Deciding & accepting no more babies.

[FlatStanletta]

I’ve NC for this as other posts were potentially outing and this is quite private.

I am incredibly lucky to have 3 DC the youngest of whom is now 2. It’s a lot of work and occasionally a bit overwhelming but generally I love it (and them).

DH and I always said we would not have more than 3 kids. I mean that’s really enough for anyone isn’t it!? So I know we won’t have any more.

In reality I would probably have another one but DH says ABSOLUTELY NO WAY! He particularly struggles with the chaos of small children although he loves them dearly. I agreed we would stop at 3 and I sometimes think I would be too anxious as I’m older now to have another baby anyway (I am 38 next month). Plus, I did not enjoy pregnancy and birth especially!

BUT I can’t help but feel all emotional and sad that I won’t have another baby. How do I get over this?

I just want to enjoy the family life we have without keep feeling drawn to another baby. I know it’s ridiculous, I know I am so so lucky to have what I have. How do I turn off this longing!!!! It’s driving me crazy! Does the feeling go away as you get older?

(So as to give background, we are very lucky to be financially in a position where we could easily have more kids, and we already have enough bedrooms etc, so from that POV there isn’t a practical reason. We could probably also afford to hire help if we needed to. This doesn’t really help me because I keep thinking “I could make it work”).

Someone please tell me to get a grip and get on with it!

Thanks for reading!

I'm not in your position (although think I may be in the next couple of years!)

I'm not sure if it's anything other than time, and reminding yourself of the positives of stopping at 3. As your youngest gets older everything will get easier, and would you want to start again? And even if you hire help you realistically only have so much of yourself to offer as a parent, right now you're split between 3 but to split between 4 would mean spreading yourself even further.

There's the environmental affects of having children too (I'm not to the type to preach about this area but I know many people are using it as a valid reason to not have lots of children.)

I can imagine it's very hard though, I hope it's something you can make peace with if it's the best thing for your family.

I think this is hard because the desire for children can be so deep seated and often isn’t ‘logical’ in the sense that you can reason you way out of it. I also think that we must get hormones after birth to a level that isn’t recreated in any other situation.

Do you know what specifically you would get from having another baby. Is there something you crave from it (eg cuddles with a newborn, feeling of being needed etc). Maybe if you could identify that you could try to see how else to meet that need?

I wonder if just giving it time will help. Maybe also focusing on all the wonderful things not having another baby will enable you to do (I love that going to beach is now easier). Though like I said...those feeling aren’t always logical are they.

It's probably your age and hormones setting in. Kind of a last chance saloon as your biological clock is ticking. Lots of people post about it on here.

Also think logicallly about the quality of care you can personally give your kids if you were to have 4. You'd be spreading yourself quite thin, even if you did get help. It's about quality time and individual attention you can give to each child. Would it be fair to your existing children if you were to throw another into the mix?

Thanks for replying!!

It’s been a busy day so no chance to get back onto MN.

I think it’s interesting to think what about having another baby I am really craving. I’m going to sit with that and pick it apart a bit. It’s definitely not totally logical. Part of it is that I just love babies (stupid reason to have one 😂), part of it is that I love my kids so much I feel like I want to have more of them, part is because I see them play together and I think how nice it would be for there to be one more and part of it is just a visceral thing.

It is definitely a good point to think about how spread thin I am. I find the housework massively overwhelming- not so much the cleaning but the tidying and the mess. And I already struggle to sit down with one of the kids to do, say homework or reading.

It’s also a good point to think about the positives of stopping with 3 and moving into the next phase. I’m taking the kids on their first camping trip for 2 nights in half term. That would be harder with 4 and impossible with a tiny baby. I will try to think of more of these.

Ultimately I know we won’t have another one and I know it’s the right decision. I would just like to silence the little voice that keeps piping up “but how lovely would it be...”

@FlatStanletta I’m a little bit emotional about stopping having babies too, I have a 17 and 15yr old from previous relationship and a 5month baby with partner. He also has a 6yr old so altogether we have 4. I’m also 38nezt month so feel another pregnancy may be pushing it. I’m 90% sure no more babies but there’s a pull as I feel baby won’t have a sibling close in age same as my older 2. I’m just trying to enjoyy last baby and tell myself it’s just hormones.

I keep thinking “I could make it work”

Your DH does not want another though. So could you really make it work? If he fucked off and left because he hated his life, you probably wouldn't have as much money and space as you have now. You are already spread thinly. How much more stretched would you be with 4 DC and only one pair of hands to care for them?

@ViciousJackdaw I don’t think DH would abandon me and the children if I accidentally got pregnant with another (and it would have to be a genuine accident because I would never “forget” to take the pill or anything). He may not want another child but he wouldn’t leave because of that. Of course if we split for other reasons then yes I guess it would be harder.

However, the main reason we definitely won’t have another is because he doesn’t want one. So, I guess to “make it work” he would have to be on board first no matter what. It would be nice to feel as certain as he is that we shouldn’t have any more.

I went through similar after the birth of DC2. DH always said no more than 2 (mainly environmental reasons) and I had agreed. But by the time DC2 was about 3-4 months I was finding it hard to accept there would be no more babies.
It didn't really go away until DC2 started school, and then I realised it would be mad to go back to having a baby when I'd just got my days back to myself and we could go out for the day without having to bring half the house with us etc.
Now that DCs are upper primary age I've had a few sad moments when I think I'd love to do it all again. But I'm in my early 40s now so it won't be happening 😂

Think of it this way op, you could have twins next! Also with increased age is the risk of disabilities, miscarriage etc.

3 kids is plenty, if it helps you'll probably be a granny one day ☺️

Ha ha, I would actually love twins! But I am sure it would be totally crazy and stressful!!

The risk of something going wrong is definitely a big factor in why I am ok with not having more. I am a born worrier and struggled with anxiety in my previous pregnancies so that is one aspect I don’t want to repeat. But then my anxiety also whispers horrific things like “what if something happens to your kids and you wish you’d had more”. (I do realise that’s bordering on certifiable! My mind is not always a very kind place for me to be.)

I do accept that we won’t have more kids regardless. I just would like to not want any more iyswim.

I had four.. very much like you, the yearning for one more was so strong.
And it was lovely.. they were a great bunch as small children and are now a fabulous collection of adults.
BUT no 4 was born with special needs.. which means he will always be dependent on me to some extent. The other three have flown the nest. He won't. I adore him, and am extremely lucky that his disabilities are not life threatening and that he is a lovely young man. But it does mean my life will always have 'what about X' to think about..

However I've just become a granny (and my DD2 lives in our town) so I'm getting all the joy of a newborn again..without the sleepless nights. Win win

Left to my own will I'd probably have had 6.. I love children.. but practically..stop at 3!

I have two, have just turned 30 and desperately would love one more. I would stop at 3, however I'm not in the position to have another right now and won't until I can comfortably afford to. So I completely understand as it really is such a yearning. My advice? Follow my lead and buy a kitten 😂

I think many of felt the sadness of knowing no more kids but is the responsible thing to do. Nobody knows what the future holds, the planet is groaning under the strain of the current population and your existing children need your attention. I felt sadness too but I know 2 is the responsible number

For another perspective I was one of 5 and it often felt like I was unimportant and faded into the background, I'm close with some but not all of my siblings now and while I wouldn't wish any of them away I do question whether anyone can give enough
Love and support to
Loads of kids. Lots of times I needed my mum and she was tied up with a sibling who needed her equally or more. And she was a full time mum can only imagine it's harder if you work outside of the home too.

Honestly my experience has me thinking this baby I'm carrying will potentially be an only, or at most, one more sibling

We had two and stopped. I would have loved to have two more but we really couldn’t afford to have more. You have to see baby rearing as a stage in life. I had lots of friends who when their toddlers went to nursery, had another baby. Personally, when my youngest started school. I went to university and embarked on a new stage in my life. You should start thinking about what else you want to do with your life. If you don’t need to work then start thinking about how you will occupy your time when the children are at school.

Think about 4 teenagers.

Think about all those years of GCSEs & A levels and supporting them through that. Dependent on spacing you will probably either have consecutive years or 1 doing A levels whilst the next is on GCSEs.

Think about all the taxiing around to late night activities/parties.

Think about still doing school run for youngest whilst eldest is doing GCSEs/A levels.

Think about going through the menopause whilst all this is happening.

@StillMedusa

I had four.. very much like you, the yearning for one more was so strong. And it was lovely.. they were a great bunch as small children and are now a fabulous collection of adults. BUT no 4 was born with special needs.. which means he will always be dependent on me to some extent. The other three have flown the nest. He won't. I adore him, and am extremely lucky that his disabilities are not life threatening and that he is a lovely young man. But it does mean my life will always have 'what about X' to think about..

However I've just become a granny (and my DD2 lives in our town) so I'm getting all the joy of a newborn again..without the sleepless nights. Win win

Left to my own will I'd probably have had 6.. I love children.. but practically..stop at 3!

This happened to my mother, 50 odd years later she died, leaving my youngest sibling still needing care, with nobody to provide it. Adult social care too stretched to do anything. An utter shitstorm.

I am in the exact same bit so I totally get it. I have three, youngest is 18 months (oldest is 5) and she will definitely be the last.

In our house it's DH who would have another (he is one of four and loves it), but I'm nearly 41 and we don't have the space or the money or the emotional capacity for another child. I'm also not a fan of pregnancy or tiny babies and to be honest I just know I couldn't do it again.

But... I am inexplicably sad about it. I was at the hospital last week for something and had to go through the maternity bit. Thinking I will never be there again and seeing all the pregnant women made me feel quite nostalgic and wistful about it all. We're at the stage of getting rid of a lot of the little baby toys and clothes and I feel quite sad about that too.

I honestly think it's hormonal. My body knows that the next thing in the pipeline is the menopause and it's trying to give one last ditch shout for a baby. There is no practical reason to have another and I don't even want one but I totally understand how you feel.

My plan is just to ride it out and look forward to being past the 'little kids' stage while enjoying the children that I have. I also know how incredibly lucky we are to have the three children we have and gratitude for that is my main emotion really.

We already need two and a half planet Earths to provide the resources to give the world’s current population a basic western lifestyle.
Every extra child adds a carbon footprint of over 50 tonnes of CO2 equivalent per year to the global warming crisis.
Maybe you personally could afford an extra child, OP, but our planet can not. We are already approaching tipping point with global warming - it will not be reversible if population growth continues unchecked.

You have 3 healthy children. Your husband doesn't want more. Encourage him to have a vasectomy then you won't need to worry about taking contraception and it will put the lid finally on this ridiculous fantasy.

1. Babies don't stay babies long.
2. Wanting more kids. Just selfish in light of DH feelings
3. Your kids already play happily together, adding another adds nothing

One of my sisters will never be independent. My mum is mid sixties now and increasingly stressed about what will happen. I do not earn enough to support another adult, nor do I have the space or the ability to fit it in around my job.
My other sister is sick of being the one that was helping and has completely withdrawn from the situation.
My mum adores her but frequently has “I didn’t sign up to still need to be actively parenting a 30 year old”
Honestly it’s put me and my other sister off having children and it would be a serious consideration of mine if you have three healthy children already. It’s a huge strain on family relationships and basically writes off things like early retirement, and is of course a constant source of stress as to what happens when you’re not there anymore.

It does leave you- this feeling. Takes time and I found when my youngest were 2 it was at its worst.
It started to subside at youngest being about 4-5 years.
I had twins- almost broke me (and my body) didn’t want that again and also the risk of a 4th child having a severe extra need and the toll it would put on my other children helped me rationalise.
Husband also didn’t want a 4th which helped.
Still wonder if I made the right decision but ultimately I consider myself extremely fortunate to have 3 healthy children.

I’m 32, have 4 children and am really struggling with not having any more. I was sterilised 4 years ago during my last c section. I could have it reversed but I flip flop daily over that idea.

Since I was 20 all I’ve been is a mum, it’s all I know, and I’m terrified what will be left of me when they’re gone and it’s just me again. Totally not a reason to have a child. I’d love to throw myself into fostering in a few years time as I feel I have a lot to give a child in that situation.

Ultimately no advice OP but I do understand completely where you’re coming from.

I think it's something you just need to make your peace with.

Your youngest is 2 - that was prime time for me to have that yearning for another baby. Like you I wasn't good at being pregnant, but I still had another baby about 3 months before my twins turned 3!

My youngest is now 9, we wouldn't have had more after him as we don't have space, but that yearning came back. It has faded and now, while I love the idea of another baby, the reality of broken sleep and poo and early mornings mean that it wouldn't ever happen again.

I think you just need to ride the wave of longing and suggest a vasectomy to your husband.

@MinnieKat

I’m 32, have 4 children and am really struggling with not having any more. I was sterilised 4 years ago during my last c section. I could have it reversed but I flip flop daily over that idea.

Since I was 20 all I’ve been is a mum, it’s all I know, and I’m terrified what will be left of me when they’re gone and it’s just me again. Totally not a reason to have a child. I’d love to throw myself into fostering in a few years time as I feel I have a lot to give a child in that situation.

Ultimately no advice OP but I do understand completely where you’re coming from.

This is a really good point I hadn’t thought of. If you’ve been a mum a long time it must be hard to plan a future where that roll because less and less significant in your life.

Not something I’d really pondered about.

Maybe now is a time to start looking at what else brings you joy in your life op and start carving out some more small bits of time for that.