Can't live without him

[Lounew]

I knowv that people this really hard to understand but I physically can not except my marriage is over we split a year ago after violence and that's it he is now wiv someone else no contact with our kids just moved on and I am trying i really am but at the end of everyday I miss him we shared 20 years together and it's all gone please help me I know what he as done but I hurt and would take him back tommorow the pain is real

You'd bring a violent man back into your children's home? You need to have a word with yourself. Your poor children.

A beaten dog will still be loyal to its owner.

You may be confusing your feelings of wanting HIM back with wanting the familiarity and routine of being with someone for a very long time.

I was surprised to find that I missed one of my ex’s despite him being absolutely vile. Over time I realised that my yearning was not for him but the familiarity of him, if that makes sense.

You may have been made to centre your whole life around him as that’s common with abusers, to make you feel that they are your whole world and you must only ever think about them.

Your life may not have been your own and every day it was all about pleasing him.

And now he’s gone and the void in tournament life is huge.

He brutalised you and ruled your life and now you are free you do t feel free you feel lost and alone without him to tel you what to do.

Counselling will help you understand your neediness for him and how to become your own person and live your life for you and not to pander to someone who controlled you.

Learning to think for yourself and most importantly to be yourself will truly set you free.

Tournament was not meant to be there!

I'm so sorry that you're still hurting .It's a huge thing to get over and made more complex if he's now with someone else .

A year is a short time and it's been such an abnormal one with Covid ,perhaps that has made it worse ?

I'm not too good at offering advice but maybe if you posted over in
relationships you might get some practical advice
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships

In the meantime try and get through the days/hours just put one foot in front of the other .Be kind to yourself ,get outside ,try not to think about him .

Have some respect for yourself and your children. Why on earth would you want an abuser back in your home?!

@Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel

Have some respect for yourself and your children. Why on earth would you want an abuser back in your home?!

Harsh but I agree - why would you want to bring violence back into your home, especially as he could be violent not just to you but to your kids

You would benefit from some therapy. Does your local domestic abuse service offer therapy?

What was so special about your violent abusive ex? The pain will definitely be real if you allow him back into your life.

I’m afraid I’m with Anotherbitoflovelysquirrel and SpicyTinkle on this one. Why do you want this abusive man back in your life.
I can understand a person being too terrified to leave an abusive relationship. However you’ve already taken that massive step in leaving him. Please do not bring him back into your lives. After all it’s not just you it’s your children you need to think of. Please don’t put them through that sobbing their hearts out while their brute of father beats the crap out of their mother. Surely no one is that lonely or even desperate to have a man dangling off their arm.
God help the poor women he’s with.
Do you honesty think he’s treating her like a Princess.

Sorry that I’ve been harsh but I think it’s needed in this case

She has been conditioned to idolise him for over twenty years!

Why do you think so many people stay with their abusers even when given the chance to escape? It’s not just fear that keeps them in the relationship but a warped love that is very hard to cut ties with.

When an abuser places their hand on their victims it’s not just the physical harm they cause but the crushing of the soul and the pressure of the hand is felt by the victim long after the hand is removed.

He made her feel like this.

Hi @Lounew It must be so hard for you. I have felt the pain when a relationship has ended but never violence.

What do you miss about him? Or do you miss having someone around? Do you feel lonely?

Have you tried counseling or therapy?

You sound like you became co.dependant on him, which is usual in a long term relationship. However this relationship sounds very unhealthy, your ex is a violent bully, and these type of men should never be around children. They are a real danger, because they cannot control their anger issues.
I would definitely work on your self esteem and confidence. Raise your standards, get angry with him because you deserve a lot better and so do your children. If you are raising sons it's common for them to be violent towards the Mum as they grow older due to what they have witnessed. Alot of women have to resort to refuges because of this, and then they go on to attack their girlfriends and partners, and sadly, if you are raising daughters it gives them a false notion that DV is acceptable. Please work on yourself for a better future for you and your children. Lots of help is available, so you make better choices in the future.

I understand that people find it hard to understand how I feel but I shared 25 years with this man and 3 children we had some amazing times and yes he was violent it was few and far between he would struggle to control his temper I know what you are all saying but I miss the whole he left

Whether he was a good person or not it’s only natural after 25 years that you would miss their presence.

Maybe you would think about dating again in the future?

Meanwhile use this time to find out who you are and what you like. Perhaps take up a new hobby or sell new interests. Join groups where you will make friends etc

If you fill the void in your life with other things you won’t feel anxious and miss him as much and eventually you won’t miss him at all.