Detaching from anxious young adult daughter

[Lollobrigida]

Am a regular who has NC. Not sure where to put this, but hoping this is the right place. I am at the end of my tether with DD, 20, who has always been very anxious and has a history of depression. So as not to drip feed, she has a therapist and is on medication. It works to some extent, but not perfectly.

DD is the sort who always sees the worst in every situation. Everything is a tragedy, she is the unluckiest person in the world, everybody is out to get her..... that kind of thing. For years, I have been her main emotional support. To be fair, she has had a hard time in lockdown. Her boyfriend dumped her. She is in uni, but is having a hard time and thinks her course won't be very useful to her ( I advised her against the course but she was adamant)Our beloved family dog died. So overall, it has been a hard year.

That said, I think she needs to move on and help herself emerge from this pit of misery. I am exhausted as well. My relationship with DH is suffering as I am constantly thinking abt DD. I have a DS as well who is doing A levels and needs support. I can never be happy because I am always worried about whether DD is happy, and I am fairly certain now that she is not one of life's happy people. How can I detach myself? I want to be there for her but I do not want to be dragged down into the mire.

I know this may be a silly question but is your DD on anti depressants / anti anxiety meds? Does she maybe need them? As the correct meds & doses could make a huge difference to how she deals with life.

I know because I take Venlafaxine and I used to be depressed all the time.

Hi @Lollobrigida. I’m going to suggest something that might seem a bit mad but could be worth a try.

Often people don’t want a solution as previous people have said. I was your daughter and my mum would and still does always provide advice and solutions. It just made me angry when I was younger as I felt she didn’t understand and just wanted to fix it when I knew it was more complex than that. Now I just listen to her advice and say thanks and mostly ignore as I don’t agree with it, but she’s entitled to her opinion on an issue.

Anyway, I’ve recently been on a coaching course and learnt really useful skill around asking open questions. Questions that make the person think of solutions themselves or simply describe the situation for you which can make it clearer to them and gain perspective. It was a bit of a revelation to me! When coaching you don’t say much and let the coachee talk. Perhaps you could try this with your daughter and it would relieve some of the mental load on you?. Perhaps she just needs to vent her anxiety like I did and not need a solution. Just someone to say I hear you and that sounds really hard. I remember epic melt downs over essays and being no good and while mum didn’t let me just vent enough and was quick to try and fix things, she was very good at always telling me I was capable and backing that up with evidence of past achievement, which really helped.

Anyway I’m rambling a bit but if interested Google the GROW model questions. You might think I’m talking utter shite but thought I’d mention it! Good luck, it was really hard on my mum from my teens to mid 20s but now I’m nowhere near as anxious as I used to be and we have a great relationship. I’m so glad she stuck with me and didn’t disengage.

Oh, just to clarify, I’m not suggesting this will make your daughter less anxious or depressed (it won’t) but may aid in your communication and how you feel supporting her.

I do think you have to take responsibility for how much this is affecting you. As in, change the way her language impacts on you.

I have an adult child a lot like this. A lot of the things they say seem to be straight from the webpages of Tumblr and so on - lots of hard luck stories and so forth.

Uni can be a really difficult time, it’s billed to be something great so when you get there and don’t like aspects of it, it makes you feel worse because you feel it should be the best time of your life.
I hated uni much happier out at work. Maybe she should try work before the masters.
All the usual solutions such as volunteering, getting out with friends, travelling aren’t available at the moment.
She clearly needs to tell someone, if she doesn’t want solutions embrace your inner Sybil and just offer continuing love and sympathy. The picking the wrong uni is one she’s made now. We are in May now so she’s really only got 2 terms left and she won’t make make decisions based on a boyfriend again so that’s a lesson learnt early on.

some good further suggestions here OP.

Good to hear saying less about her essay issue seemed helpful.

that's very detail, though. What I was getting at is, how can you step back from being so involved in ALL her decisions, and have others said, empathise with her feelings right now ('sounds like you're having a tough day') and less, or no 'solving'?

So her university choice: whether it was or wasn't a mistake, that's no longer relevant. She is where she is. You ruminating on the mistake is destructive, and I'd bet she can feel your judgement and disapproval, whether you voice it to her or not.

I'm in the camp that nothing is really a mistake. Or rather you learn just as much if not more from the mistakes as the 'right' decisions.

What do you want her to say or do? Would you feel better if she said now you were right, and it's the 'wrong' university? What would that achieve other than your vindication?

If she'd taken your advice, and still broken up with her boyfriend, maybe she would have blamed that on you.

It does come across that you are still trying to manage (even micro manage) her life. Maybe that is contributing to her anxiety?

Would happen if you adopted the mindset of, 'there's no such thing as a mistake, only chances to learn and move forward'?

I spent my 20s pursuing a career in no way related to the (very prestigious) degree I earned from a (very prestigious) institution. It was tough, though I enjoyed some parts of it. I'm sure my parents thought that was a mistake (my dad made it clear he did) in this aspect my mum did better and trying to support where I was. Eventually I moved into something else and now have a much more successful career doing something else. But the experience I gained doing the first thing is still useful to me, in lots and lots of ways.

it sounds like she lacks resilience, but resilience comes from accepting and moving on from mistakes, not always seeking to avoid them, or endless regretting the ones we make.