DD 5 sleeping in her DF bed

[kittosmma]

I don't know if I'm being overly protective so need some others perspective.
50/50 custody with ex for our 5 year old daughter. We do not speak, domestic abuse, stalking, evil nasty piece of work to me and my children- not our DD.
Anyway DD sleeps in his bed 100% of the time whilst with him. She has her own room at his, with bed and bedding. He lives alone so absolutely no reason for her not to sleep in her own room.
He puts her to bed with him and she sleeps with him all night. This started because before we split DD and I co-slept - she was under 2.
I've been trying to get her to sleep in her own room, as I did with my other DC. But its really confusing for her. She get very upset and just as we get her into the swing of it she goes back to his and he undoes the work.
I don't mind her coming in in the night but think it's important for her to settle and have that rest period alone.
I just find it odd that at nearly 6 ex is hanging on to her and stunting her development. She's really clingy and can't be away from me when at home. I can't even pee with the door shut as it leads to a melt down.
Plus ex sexually assaulted me whilst still together- no I don't have a concern for DD with respect to that.
Am I being overly weirded out by this?

As long as the child is given a free choice and wants to sleep in his bed then it’s fine.

Thank you for replying. Unfortunately due to what I went through with ex my boundaries are a little off, so sometimes second guess myself.
I just fed so sorry for her and the mixed messages she gets of what's normal.

She's really clingy and can't be away from me when at home.

Is it not because she is the same at his that he lets her sleep in his bed?

It sounds like she is unsettled and insecure with going between the 2.

She's really clingy and can't be away from me when at home.

Is it not because she is the same at his that he lets her sleep in his bed?

It sounds like she is unsettled and insecure with going between the 2.

I think she should be in her own bed.
Is he taking the easy option by letting her sleep in his bed? Or doing it to annoy you?

I don't think he's necessarily hanging onto her and stunting her development. Lots of kids co-sleep at that age, especially in other cultures and continue to develop and be independent. I really don't think it's the co-sleeping that making her clingy to you. Does she seem happy otherwise?

I’m a lone parent - my 8 year old still likes to share a bed with me, so from that perspective I don’t think it’s unusual. Mind you, I also let her for an easy enough life - so it might be that he just does that because it’s easier than having to battle with her. I figure she’ll grow out of it eventually, so I don’t mind at my house.

The clinginess at your house doesn’t sounds that unusual at that age either - especially if she’s going between the two places. Has that been for a while? I know it took my daughter a while to get used to us living separately.

@flashylamp

She's really clingy and can't be away from me when at home.

Is it not because she is the same at his that he lets her sleep in his bed?

It sounds like she is unsettled and insecure with going between the 2.

I think she's insecure since the court decided 50/50 she's become worse and developed a stutter.

Before it was 70/30 with her mostly with me and my other children.

My daughter always co slept with me until she was nearly ten. We split when she was two. She always slept in her own room/bed at her dads. She wasn’t confused by it.

@Suzi888

I think she should be in her own bed. Is he taking the easy option by letting her sleep in his bed? Or doing it to annoy you?

I think he's trying to annoy me and/ or push me out. He hated that I bonded with any of my children and tried to segregate us from each other.

@trunumber

I don't think he's necessarily hanging onto her and stunting her development. Lots of kids co-sleep at that age, especially in other cultures and continue to develop and be independent. I really don't think it's the co-sleeping that making her clingy to you. Does she seem happy otherwise?

I know she loves her DF and they have a nice time together. She's very insecure now though. He's withheld her from contact before the court order was in place which was traumatic as I was her primary career.

Apparently he becomes quite cross with her. And she's said she's seen me out in the supermarket with him but wouldn't approach me as she scared of him getting angry.

@audweb

I’m a lone parent - my 8 year old still likes to share a bed with me, so from that perspective I don’t think it’s unusual. Mind you, I also let her for an easy enough life - so it might be that he just does that because it’s easier than having to battle with her. I figure she’ll grow out of it eventually, so I don’t mind at my house.

The clinginess at your house doesn’t sounds that unusual at that age either - especially if she’s going between the two places. Has that been for a while? I know it took my daughter a while to get used to us living separately.

It do you put her to bed with you at the same time? Or does she go in your bed and you have that time in the evening alone?

“Apparently he becomes quite cross with her. And she's said she's seen me out in the supermarket with him but wouldn't approach me as she scared of him getting angry.” That’s awful. Isn’t there anyone you can approach for professional advice? Social services? Solicitor? Sorry I have no experience in this area.

I wouldn’t want my DD anywhere near a person who abused me and sexually assaulted me, let alone sharing a bed.

I would go to court and reduce contact to a supervised contact visitation.

I think under normal circumstances it would be frustrating, but not weird. My boyfriend had the opposite problem in that his youngest daughter slept in her mum’s bed bed while he was trying to encourage her to sleep in her own bed. She was a similar age to your little girl and I do think it made it harder but she does sleep in her own bed now. Or she does when she’s with her dad anyway!

However I would not be happy about her sleeping in the same bed as someone who has a history of sexual assault. I know you’ve said that you have no concerns on that front (and I appreciate I have no idea of the circumstances) but that would worry me massively. I might be wrong, but I think the fact that you mentioned it means that it worries you a little bit too.

I am really sorry that he’s been so awful to you.

I’d be unhappy sharing residence 50-50 with an ex who had behaved as yours did. The behaviour you describe, including sexual abuse of you suggests a man who puts his own needs first.
I’m sorry it sounds tough for you and that a family court ordered shared care seems wrong.

I don't like 50/50 at all and disagree with it totally. I am fighting it. But it's what the court ordered.
Unfortunately I don't trust him in any way shape or form. He's self centred and a bully. He doesn't care about her as an individual just what she is to him and how things affect him.