Warning, contains discussion on suicide and underage sex/ pedophilia. Name changed for obvious reasons.
TLDR - man I had a relationship with when I was 14/15 (and he didn't know) has killed himself after I ruined his life and I feel awful.
From the age 14 until I was 26/27 I looked the same. Mature. I hit puberty and aged 10 years overnight. I played on this but didn't wear lots of make up/ deliberately look older, it was just nature. I was employed at a pub as a glass cleaner and became friends with some of the people working there, all over 18. The owner/ person who hired me, didn't work at the pub and had no dealings with me day to day and gave a pathetic handover to the bar manager, my age was never mentioned (if the owner even knew - it was cash in hand) and I never mentioned it. I started as the glass wash/ table clearer and moved quickly to serving behind the bar as well. I did protest that I was "just" the pot wash but never raised my age as an issue. I made friends with others working there, who I presume were all 18+, several were late 20s and they started inviting me on nights out after work, and then on my nights off. I never had issues getting in to the bars and clubs and it became a regular thing. On one of these nights out I met a friend of a friend, we'll call him Bob. Bob was gorgeous, he was kind and generous and I fancied the pants off him. I was really pleased when after a few nights out, it became apparent that he felt the same and we started dating. We dated for 18 months, I was 16 when we broke up. Bob was a great guy and we got on really well. I deliberately concealed my age. If it came up I deflected, changed the subject and occasionally, out and out lied. I knew he'd break up with me, I knew he'd have an issue and I knew he would get in trouble. He was employed in a profession (not teaching). I was introduced to his friends and his family, my age was never questioned. He already knew my pub friends but I was careful not to introduce him to my school friends as they looked their ages. They knew I was dating him. He thought I was a mature student at the local uni - a lie I told him and carefully cultivated. We went out for dinner with his friends, to their houses, we were accepted as a couple, no questions asked.
My parents were divorced and not on talking terms, I used this to my advantage and lied to them about where I was, but most of the time I was "with the other one".
I know I was stupid, I knew at the time I was playing seriously with fire.
One Saturday we were in town clothes shopping and my teacher saw me and Bob. She came over and asked for an introduction, I tried to get away and avoid the contact but she clearly thought something was amiss as she made a point of introducing herself as my teacher, from the high school where I attended as a year 11.
Bob looked at me, I hung my head in shame and Bob walked off. I called him and called him, I turned up at his house, I wrote to him (this was pre-mobiles). Begged for his forgiveness and explained in my letter that I had lied to him. School called the police and social services and Bob was arrested, but not charged. I refused to cooperate, lied and basically the police gave up, thinking it wasn't worth the bother. Bob was ostracized by friends and family, branded a pedophile and spiraled in to drink and depression. He attempted suicide and lost his job, had a breakdown. I cut all contact, left my job and eventually moved on.
I heard on the grapevine that Bob never recovered, he was a broken man and his parents and friends never forgave him.
I on the other hand moved away, went to uni, got a successful career and I am married to a lovely (older) man and have 2 children and a lovely life. On the facebook page of my home town I found out he had died. Committed suicide. He was never able to recover from the breakdown I caused. I just can't believe it. I feel awful. I know there is absolutely nothing I can do now to make this better, bring him back or undo all the hurt I caused back then and have now caused to his love ones. But I also don't know how I can move forward.
I don't know what I'm wanting from this, I just need to let it out I guess. I'm not in touch with anyone from back then anymore and I don't have anyone who would understand, though DH is trying to.