When does it get easy?

[kaleishorrid]

I originally put this in higher education but have copied here for traffic.

My only dd is in her third year at university.

When she first went I was a complete mess.

Three years on and I still find myself getting upset when she leaves. She has been home for a few days and is going beck today and I am already finding myself tearful.

I hate wasting time being sad when she is actually here.

She is an only child - we are close as all children and parents are - but I thought that by now I would be used to it.

I cannot even imagine how it is for parents whose children study abroad, or single parents of only children.

I have DH here, I work part time so I am not sitting here alone. I am menopausal so I do wonder if that is part of it.

I do get over it quicker than I first did but I hate feeling like this.

How do others cope or are you all better at it now?

This is meant kindly, honestly, but I think this is quite extreme. Being this upset every time she leaves- that is what adult children eventually do. Be careful not to clip her wings because you’re too emotional to let her go.

I think it's great you have such a bond with your daughter, but as you seem to be aware, this is quite an extreme reaction.
Are you worried for her wellbeing?
Just miss her company?

I just miss her company.

I really don't clip her wings - I have encouraged her to study abroad - which she did but it was cut short by Covid - I encourage her to see her friends - all the usual stuff.

I will be upset for a couple of hours after she has gone and then I will be ok but I hate wasting time when she is here being sad.

Has this feeling changes over time? This is a third year?

Just re-read your post and I see that it is the same as before

Have you thought about some therapy to talk this through as I suspect it may be rooted in other losses perhaps?

It is usual to feel sad but usually decreases over time, I wonder if this also linked to ageing perhaps? You mention menopause etc.

Are you pondering other areas of your life?

I feel sad each time too, but I think menopause will be exacerbating things for you.

Gosh.
ds is off to university in Sept/Oct. He and I are close, but he is so ready to go, so ready to stretch his wings, that I am looking forward to waving him off and relaxing in the space! He is the oldest of 3, but I just don't think that I will feel this way about any of them going.

But I am busy, have my own friends and activities, I work too and I am looking forward to time with dh when they have all left.

I love them, I want to hear how they are doing and keep close contact, have them home for Christmas, but when they are ready to go, like ds is, then it is almost a relief for him to go.

You are very over invested in her life, in the kindest possible way, let he live her life, and you concentrate on living yours

Thank you for your replies.

I hear everything you are all saying- I also have a full life, I am very happy for her to go and live her life and want her to do so.

I don't think missing her and being sad when she leaves means that I am over invested.

I do remember seeing other friends sad when their children left for university and thinking oh I won't be like that - little did I know.

I read the title thinking it would be about having a young baby (I have a 5 month old). Just wanted to say I think it’s actually pretty sweet (although I’m sorry you feel sad) you must have a great relationship with your daughter and I hope I have the same in 20 years time.

Maybe you could get a date booked in the diary for going to visit her before she leaves again. Something positive to look forward to?

@SGChome20

I read the title thinking it would be about having a young baby (I have a 5 month old). Just wanted to say I think it’s actually pretty sweet (although I’m sorry you feel sad) you must have a great relationship with your daughter and I hope I have the same in 20 years time.

Maybe you could get a date booked in the diary for going to visit her before she leaves again. Something positive to look forward to?

Thank you. Her next visit is planned- for my birthday!

@RainedOn

I feel sad each time too, but I think menopause will be exacerbating things for you.

I'm glad I'm not the only one. She's just left so going to keep myself busy with some jobs