DH & long-distance parents

[confusedofengland]

Also posted on Elderly Parents topic.

We're going through a bit of a rough patch at the moment & I'm hoping that by venting on here somebody will understand & maybe even tell me I'm not crazy/selfish or tell me to snap out if it if I am.

PIL live 130 miles away, we can be at theirs in 2 hours 20 minutes if traffic allows. So close enough to go for the day, which we have done lots, but not close enough to just pop in for an hour or so. MIL has vascular dementia, diagnosed about 2.5 years ago. She still recognises everybody except FIL sometimes, has mood swings, wanders & doesn't eat much so her weight has dropped to 6.5 stone (she is a very slight woman who was only 8.5 stone when full term pregnant). She is still at home, no carers going in but SIL 10 minutes away & pops in multiple times daily.

DH has always been very close to his parents & until kids' commitments (football Saturday & Sunday) then Covid kicked in we visited 1 in every 3 weekends, often staying over. We cannot do that now as it would confuse MIL. He used to speak on the phone a couple of times a week & maybe once a month if that with SIL. Since the diagnosis he has taken to video calling every day & gets irritable/anxious if he hasn't done so. More recently, he has started calling whilst we as a family or couple are in the middle of things eg breakfast date with me, 10 mins into a bluebell walk with the DC. He is studying an MA full time & working 2 days per week so we only see him for an hour a day on weekdays. Weekends are better but he often has work to do plus a few hours football with DS1.

Anyway, this week has been particularly tough. He went to see PIL for the day on Tuesday & really enjoyed it. Wasn't home before DC went to bed but no problem. Then on Wednesday MIL was found to have low blood pressure & taken to hospital. She was discharged that evening & fine until today when she had high blood pressure. She is now in hospital again & tests are being run on her heart, which they said was running backwards? There has also been talk of cancer which they would not treat if it was as she is frail. All very stressful & upsetting, although at least in herself she is mostly ok. DH has been pretty much constantly on the phone since Wednesday, either calls or messages from FIL or SIL. It has been 3+ hours a day, so although he is here he is not really here iyswim. Today I was at work for 4 hours & he virtually ignored the DC as he was on his phone the whole time. When he is not on the phone he is stressed & snappy waiting for a message or call.

I have said to him that he should go up to be with his family. It is where his mind & his heart is. He could do his lectures up there & travel down for work when needed (couple of days a month, rest is remote). We would miss him of course, but we 3puld be fine & I can deal with everything down here. He won't do it though.

For context, we have 3 DSes, age 12, 10 & 7, so not tiny, although DS2 has SEN severe enough to warrant 32.5 hours one-to-one at school. My parents are round the corner but work FT & my mum is an alcoholic so can't help much during the week. I also share care with my sister of my grandparents who are housebound without us & grandad has cancer requiring monthly blood tests & transfusions, among other things.

If you have got this far, thank you, it was longer than I expected!

Update just now: MIL is now feeling unwell again so DH is likely to go up. It's what I've been telling him to do but I feel desperate & alone sad

Well it's a tough time for him clearly. I'd let him work out for himself what is best and just keep encouraging him to see them when he can and to call when he can.

I understand about impinging on your stuff together but a 'breakfast date?!!'

Anyway, he WILL be torn as it's his mum. Try and back down and let him figure this out for himself

And what I meant to add .... it's time for him to concentrate on his parents. This shouldn't be solely at your expense but going on about feeling sad and lonely seems like one massive guilt trip to me

Ok, thanks for telling it to me straight. I guess I needed to hear that. I have just been struggling a lot as I do pretty much everything around the house & kids & it's tough sometimes,especially with DS2 & my grandfather. I haven't said to him that I would feel sad & lonely, just venting here I guess.

I know a breakfast date sounds twee, but it was literally the only time we've had alone together in months, so was something I'd been looking forward to.

I think your replies have made me realise I am being selfish & I just need to be there & continue to support him in doing what he needs to do. Thanks.

At the moment, your DH's worries and priority are quite rightly his DM. Hopefully this will be temporary. I have been going through something similar with my DM at the moment and have been spending huge amounts of time on phone to medical professionals, DM herself and family members, and have also taken time out of family life to visit/ help her. My DP has been nothing but supportive and picked up any slack in terms of day to day stuff, as did I when his own DM suffered with health issues a while back. Breakfast dates & walks with DC would be 100% off the agenda I'm afraid. As I said, hopefully this is a temporary situation and I think unfortunately you have to try your best to support him & get through it, although I do appreciate things must be hard with grandparents' care as well.

Thanks, hopefully it is only temporary. I always have & always will be there to pick up the slack, without question.

The walk & breakfast date were a couple of weeks ago, when MIL was jogging along fairly normally though.

Sorry I didn't mean to be harsh! Maybe I was a bit

But if your relationship is normally good and he usually pulls his weight and is fully involved etc etc I think I'd be tempted to cut him some slack

In 2019 both my parents died within 2 months of each other which was a whole heap of fun! The lead up to it was quite consuming for me and my husband helped by being quietly supportive and taking over the stuff with the kids etc that I wasn't up to. It was temporary and I was ok within months (maybe weeks) but I just needed that space to do what I needed to do with my parents etc

So don't let him take the piss out of you of course but if he's usually a good husband then just quietly sit back and support

@TatteredHare a little harsh but needed I think. I'm in a situation of not being able to see the woods for the trees & it is easier from an outside perspective.

I'm sorry to hear about your parents & glad to hear that things are somewhat better now.

He is usually a good husband & we have a good relationship, but I was just starting to feel like I could have a life & a career after 12 years of being at home with the DC & supporting DH through studying & working long hours & now that's looking unlikely again. Nothing to do with his parents really but frustrating & poor timing & makes this feel worse.

I’d cut a lot of slack on the responding to emergencies, visiting etc. I’ve been in a similar situation and to a large extent you just have to accept that sometimes other responsibilities will come first.

But I’d be pretty offended and hurt if ten minutes into an actual scheduled plan with me my DH took it into his head to just phone his Mum there and then, especially if as you say she was stable at the time. I’d have no problem him answering a call, in case it was urgent, but making one isn’t on in my book.

Any scope for him to reduce his hours at work/the MA?