Grandparents

[Zoolife101]

It goes without saying that most people feel that grandparents should not be expected to babysit or offer to babysit just because their offspring started families of their own.

BUT. Anyone else feel frustrated that they are expected to see the grandparents every week/ month/ whenever the gp might fancy popping over (delete as appropriate) so that the gp's and their gc's can see each other.

And when I say babysit I say an evening every 6 months would be grand ;)

Well there is a difference between a visit and being responsible for someone.

Why wouldn't you go an see your family? What a very odd post. Totally different to expecting them to be babysitter to actually visiting them and having a relationship.

I'm bloody dreading it. I know my MIL is round visiting her other GC every single Saturday or Sunday.

I don't want my weekends dictated to me by other people wanting regular visitation.

It sounds like they are not good enough to see but good enough to babysit.

BUT. Anyone else feel frustrated that they are expected to see the grandparents every week/ month/ whenever the gp might fancy popping over (delete as appropriate) so that the gp's and their gc's can see each other.

I can't imagine why anyone would feel frustrated about family wanting to visit their children

Why would you expect anything in return other than the GPs and their Grandchildren forming a healthy relationship?

I completely see a mismatch in what OP is describing.

Grandparents who expect you to drop everything for visits - kids missing friend’s parties and weekly activities because the grandparents want you to visit - and then you visit and everyone has to be on best behaviour for hours and hours and hours. And there is always a very formal meal, followed by a walk that is too long for the children and then everyone has to sit around drinking cups of tea before another walk. And by the end of it, the kids are tearful and exhausted and you don’t get home until 10pm and the kids have slept in the car so you are up sorting them out until midnight and then you get an email almost the second you have left saying that the kids seemed really tired and are they getting enough sleep...

Or just appearing during the week when you are trying to get a 5 year old to do his homework, get school uniform sorted, field work calls, make dinner and everything gets totally derailed...

And then you ask them for a teensy favour (like watching the kids for a little while so you can have emergency surgery) and they can’t interrupt their schedule...

I love going to ILs each week have done for the 6 yrs me and dh been together.
They come to ours regularly too.
They do also babysit

My dad lives 2 min away. See him quite regularly. He would babysit at drop of a hat.

My dm. We see her more so since she's furloughed. But she rarely babysit.

I live visiting fmaily and wouldn't expect them to. They choose and offer to. But also we occasionally ask. I would never been annoyed if they didn't

@LorelaiVictoriaGilmore this is absolutely what I'm talking about.

Preventing a relationship between grandchildren and grandparents is really sad and I don't think I've met anyone who has gone down this road but imagine those who take that decision do not take it lightly.

I'm talking about the frustration of having 1 set of gps that expect what you describe- formal long dinners, formal long holidays, quiet children etc etc

Another set wanting to pop in at tea time on their way to and from such and such a place regardless of the chaos and mayhem awaiting them and left to you.

And the 3rd set wanting you to come round when they are free. If they have a particularly empty week they are pre- disposed to sulking if you can't pop over twice in that week. You will usually need to bring packed lunches and a bullet proof vest to protect against the barbed comments!

It's exhausting.

@Footloosefancyfree

It sounds like they are not good enough to see but good enough to babysit.

Was just thinking the same.

I wouldn’t babysit for an adult who thought it was a chore and an inconvenience to visit me.

@Zoolife101 I totally get it. We have one set of grandparents who, of course, we all love BUT everything is on their terms, they don’t make any allowances for the fact that our kids are small and the demands are endless. They have recently ‘requested’ (demanded) our presence at two upcoming family events and my blood just runs cold. Long drive, formal clothes, ridiculously long day (because if you have driven 3 hours there and have to drive 3 hours back, you should be there for at least 8 hours to make it worth while...) I will have to buy new shoes for my three year old and get her to wear a dress (which she HATES!)

The contrast between that set of grandparents who don’t help us at all, ever, and the other set who never make any demands of us and, for example, are dropping everything to come and help with the kids this week because I am recovering from surgery...

But what can you do? 🤷🏻‍♀️ The most ridiculous thing is that the demanding set of grandparents get massively peeved if we see more of the other set of grandparents even if the other set of grandparents are only seeing us because they are doing childcare for us...

I'm a grandma but a young one and I'm so layed back because I hated being dragged to see my grandparents every week 🤷‍♀️. My daughter has her own family and visits us when our schedules make it possible and more importantly when they want to .
We have a lovely relationship with them all and often babysit but they don't ask us they wait for us to offer x

@santabetterwashhishands You sound like the dream grandparents! 😊 We don’t usually ask for babysitting (unless it’s to rescue me because I am ill, like this week....) Our super helpful set of grandparents never demand that we visit... but the result is that we ask to visit all the time! We missed them so much during lockdown that we went to stay with them for a month last summer... by the end my dad was asking when we are going away again... 😂

I don't think it's fair for one side to dictate all contact.

PIL can be like this. They want to do things last minute then get annoyed if we have plans. They are both retired and aside from a club they go to once a week can be completely flexible, however if they want to do something with the kids on a Thursday and we are busy that day the thing doesn't happen.
They also have a habit of arranging things with the children and not telling me until last minute, then again get frustrated that an 8 year old wasn't aware of something I had already arranged

My Mum is a popper which can drive me mad. She always seems to pick a bad time and won't take a hint when she sees we're really busy and will just take a seat waiting for coffee to be served. My Dad on the other hand hardly ever visits.

Ooooh, and the other thing that has been driving me mad - since we can only see pil outside, we have to keep the entire weekend free (including any bank holiday Monday) until a few days beforehand when they determine their preferred day based on the weather! I mean... I kind of get it... but it’s so frustrating!

Oh am dreading this over the next few months. Currently living close to my parents and they do look after DC once a week...moving an hour away and I reckon we will be expected to come over every week. The problem for us is that while I get on ok-ish with my parents - I really don't feel the need to see them any more than once every couple of months. The kids really do get on with the grandparents though and would happily see them weekly. While I would love for DCs to see my parents all the time, I really would rather not. So it is hard because if they won't offer to see DCs without us, realistically that means they will see a lot less of their grandkids because am simply not spending one out of my two free days on the weekend on my parents. I love them etc etc but life is busy and if I see them then honestly I will never have time to see any of my friends or even the other side of the family

I look after my grandchildren one day a week so my daughter can work, she's a teacher. In theory I don't have to have them in school holidays but I do because I want to. I have other grandchildren and at the moment I'll be having them sometimes in the holidays as the place where their mum works is not having a holiday club this year because of covid.
Outside of my babysitting times I might see them regularly or I might not, depending on everyone's schedule. I appreciate they're busy as am I, but I'd never demand to see them.
In fact, when I was looking after one grandchild at my daughter's house a few years ago I did her housework and cleaned her windows! Times have changed and I have the kiddies at my house now so she has to do her own housework!

@Footloosefancyfree

It sounds like they are not good enough to see but good enough to babysit.

Sounds like me that your taking this out of context. Babysitting for 1 night every 6mths is hardly a chore. Why would you denigh your child a break or let them enjoy a one off special occasion? Seems like such a selfish all about me attitude. If not about not being good enough to see, it's about family helping each other out and everyone getting a little bit of joy.

Yes I do tbh we've not even had a coffee on our own once in 5years and when my 2nd child was born no grandparent came forward out of 5 to help us so my husband could be at the birth. Finally my mum and dad came...all grandparents drive and live within 30mins from us. I understand my mum and dad as they have had medical issues but my mil and fils have none, don't work and are out leading very active lives. They always ask to see the children on the day if they've no other plans that seem more fun. We did accommodate at first but the resentment of there lack of contact and support has built up and now we continue with our plans. We do see them but no we won't be at their beck and call. I call them fair weathered grandparents, want the good times and the respect but rarely put themselves out. 1 afternoon/night once or twice a year is hardly much to ask now is it.