HELP! How to set boundaries for 15 yo - inappropriate clothing, hanging around in parks, curfew.....

[anon666]

I really need to learn from other people's experiences of teenagers. I have a wilful, sparky 15 yo whom I love dearly, but who keep misinterpreting everything I do.

My daughter has got into roller skating and loves to dress up to go skating with her best friend to the local park. I'd encouraged her to take up skating as an exercise during/after lockdown and she's got really good.

Her best friend's parents have two older boys and seem much more laid back about her coming home late from Central London or locally.

The park is okay during the day but very quiet in the evenings. There have been a number of incidents involving sexual assault or even rape in the park which I have to be honest surprised me because it's not that dodgy, but it's a mixed suburban area.

So I'm not sure whether this is relevant, but dd is very striking looking. She's very petite, and beautiful in a perfect doll-like way, with beautiful creamy skin, dark hair etc. She also dresses up in a very trendy way, which unfortunately is doll-like fashion, short skirts and very little clothing. Even though my daughters hate me for this, I can't help telling them maybe to look less striking when walking through parks or quiet places alone. I tell her to wear jeans , not short skirts, and practical shoes not heels.

Both my teenage daughters then attack me for victim blaming. I'm saying it's not blaming, it's common sense. I'd love it we lived in a world where they could wear a bikini unnoticed, but sadly we don't.

I'm constantly coming into conflict with her, which I find very hard. Setting boundaries is such a trigger point for her aggression. It's relentless. So I'm inclined to let her have her freedom. Dh on the other hand is reluctant to let her out at all on a school night.

He was horrified that I saud she had to be back by 7:30pm. The park is a bus ride away so involves her coming home alone.

For me it's about her safety.

For him it's also about study and encouraging the right lifestyle and habits.

HELP!! How do I navigate this minefield?

I have teen DDs and I have to say, you shouldn't be telling them to dress a certain way in order to stay safe.

Obviously they shouldn;t be alone in dark places after dark but telling them to not wear short skirts? Bollocks to that.

She's not going to dark places, obviously the sunset is pretty late at the moment.

But I'm intrigued by your passionate response about the clothing. I'm super liberal in many ways, but she just looks so vulnerable going out wearing next to nothing. Her clothes look like underwear at times. Am I being unreasonable there?

OP do you buy your daughters clothes? Why buy her clothes that look like underwear then?

I think your curfew is reasonable in daylight...

I lived in London as a 'striking' young woman and while you don't want to overly dictate clothing, your dd needs to get real about her safety and the vileness of predatory men. If walking home alone, I would wear a hood over my long blonde hair and I wore a baggier coat to cover my figure and flat shoes that I could run in. On the whole I kept myself safe but three men did try to bundle me in their car late at night, they failed because I fought and ran. I was also attacked by a woman with mental health problems screaming pretty girls deserve what they get...

Do you think your dd protests her rights to you but is in fact doing more than you think to protect herself, I never told my parents I did these things?

Meant to say I never let my ds (19) hang round in parks after dark....it was just a red flag we worked around....he still had a cracking, active social life...

Wow my daughter (similar situation but she's 16) is pushing and pushing boundaries with a 9pm curfew. She's almost 17 and have had to relent to a 10pm curfew. I do hate it and also wish she would dress less provocatively too. Though I also understand her protests at that and that she should be free to wear what she wants. I'm just not cut out to be a mam to a teenage girl lol

This whole thing terrifies me, mine are only 9 😩

@c30 - she has bought the clothes online with birthday money. I struggle to argue she shouldn't wear them because as feisty feminists, they insist that they will not submit to limitations because of the "male gaze".

@Bearnecessity

Yes, that sounds sensible to me. I love her spirit but I think there is also common sense. She probably is more anxious than she lets on. Also I would not support her being in a park after dark, but I think lockdown has made parks more of a congregating spot than before.

@Looneytune253 Me either. I thought I would be cool but I didn't expect them to think so little about their personal safety. I lived in a quieter more rural place but would have been nervous wandering round by myself. And experience taught me not to wear anything revealing because it would attract so much attention - car horns, whistles etc. (I had big boobs though)

So I'm not sure whether this is relevant, but dd is very striking looking. She's very petite, and beautiful in a perfect doll-like way, with beautiful creamy skin, dark hair etc.

Come on...

I would focus on the times you are happy for her to be at the park. I'm not sure there's much evidence that rapists choose their victims based on provocative clothing.