Any tips on teaching ASD 9 yo DD to tie back her (long) hair?

[GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal]

DD is on the autistic spectrum and whilst academically very bright has always struggled with gross and fine motor skills.

She likes to wear her hair very long - to her waist - and it's also very thick and quite wavy. I've always done it for her, but have been trying to encourage her to learn to do more for herself - or, if that's too hard, accept it needs to be cut a lot shorter (like a bob).

She's very resistant and gets very upset about it. I've just tried to show her how to put a bobble on the end of her plait - I brushed it and plaited it, I just wanted her to have a go at tying it. She was in floods of tears and just couldn't seem to grasp what she needed to do - couldn't seem to co-ordinate her fingers, but also wasn't really trying (she's always been very resistant to do anything that she finds hard - flatly refuses to learn to tie laces or ride a bike, for example).

Am I expecting too much? I worry that, as she's 9.5 and coming to the end of Y4, I'm doing too much for her and not helping her increase her independence. But equally I don't want to put her under too much pressure.

This is further complicated by her showing early signs of puberty - body hair and BO. We've had to have a couple of conversations about appropriate self-care, as frankly she was starting to smell. I worry if I don't teach her to take proper care of herself she'll start being bullied about it.

I didn't have a normal childhood - my mum was a single parent and by the time I was 9 was a full-blown alcoholic, so I didn't have anyone teaching me this stuff or even noticing whether I needed to do it, so I don't have my own experience to draw on.

Any advice?

I still help my 9yo with her hair, personally I don't think it is a huge deal. I'd focus on having a proper wash as that's more important.

I think for now I would focus on the personal care side of things and leave the hair

@Stompythedinosaur

I still help my 9yo with her hair, personally I don't think it is a huge deal. I'd focus on having a proper wash as that's more important.

I've done that, and also got her some deodorant and shown her how to use it.

I had 3 DD’s with very long hair and I braided, french plaited and ponytailed every morning for school until they were in their teens .

I liked doing it and they preferred it until they were older and more proficient.

Usually they brushed it so it was more or less ready for me to style.

Unless she is going on a school trip or overnight somewhere I would leave it for a while.

I was still doing my DD's hair right up until the Y6 residential trip. I spent the month prior to that gradually supporting her to learn to do it herself. And I made sure she had a great quality brush, ties and invisibobbles which she found easier to use.
After that, she gradually extended her repertoire of styles by following YouTube videos. Sometimes they looked horrific, but I let it slide as she was 'finding her style'.
I don't think 9 is too old for Mum to be helping to do her hair.

Gosh, really? Ok, good to know, I'll leave it then.

I'd just assumed it was something she "should" be able to do herself - soon if it now - but as I said I don't have a normal frame of reference.

My DD learned to put bobbles in her hair by practising on ponies and barbies, does your DD have those kind of toys?

She's never had any interest in dolls.

I think I was just remembering all the little girls at my primary school "doing" each other's hair - we use to sit it long lines plaiting each other's hair, putting it in bunches and so on - and so assumed it was a skill she should have by now.

dd wasn't able to brush her long hair that age. she couldn't reach.
we cut it a little shorter (still long enough to tie back) and it was more manageable.

Funnily enough my DD now 16 was very similar except she has long straight hair. We don’t know that she is on the spectrum as she has refused this route but she has many of the traits (she also smelled quite badly of BO around 9/10).

Re: the body odour. It was a fight to get her to have regular showers and we had regular heated discussions about this over a long period and when she was in the shower I doubt she was washing herself properly. She was also refusing to wear deodorant. We tried umpteen brands including a gentle powder one from Lush, the body shop and various other branded ones. Eventually she said she didn’t like the smells!!! She now wears the Dove unscented roll on one and we also got some Shield soap for the shower. Not sure whether she actually washes with this but she has regular showers and the BO smell is now under control thankfully.

She refused to let me do anything with her hair at all at Primary and Junior school especially wearing it in a pony tail. It was a struggle to brush it. However, at Secondary School they had to tie hair back for PE and certain lessons. So now DD has her hair in a severe pony tail all the time and every day of the week. She is a pretty girl but she refuses to wear her hair down ever now!!!! She is also disinterested in fashion, nice clothes, make up etc.

Good luck.

My dc9 can brush their hair and put it in a very rough ponytail but I still do her hair for school so that it looks neat and will last all day.
Maybe focus on dc learning to brush their hair before you style it.

She can brush it - not terribly thoroughly but she can do it.

@Spring2021

Funnily enough my DD now 16 was very similar except she has long straight hair. We don’t know that she is on the spectrum as she has refused this route but she has many of the traits (she also smelled quite badly of BO around 9/10).

Re: the body odour. It was a fight to get her to have regular showers and we had regular heated discussions about this over a long period and when she was in the shower I doubt she was washing herself properly. She was also refusing to wear deodorant. We tried umpteen brands including a gentle powder one from Lush, the body shop and various other branded ones. Eventually she said she didn’t like the smells!!! She now wears the Dove unscented roll on one and we also got some Shield soap for the shower. Not sure whether she actually washes with this but she has regular showers and the BO smell is now under control thankfully.

She refused to let me do anything with her hair at all at Primary and Junior school especially wearing it in a pony tail. It was a struggle to brush it. However, at Secondary School they had to tie hair back for PE and certain lessons. So now DD has her hair in a severe pony tail all the time and every day of the week. She is a pretty girl but she refuses to wear her hair down ever now!!!! She is also disinterested in fashion, nice clothes, make up etc.

Good luck.

This all sounds so like DD! She hates showers, will only have baths and those under protest, and dresses like a little tramp. She's just not in the least bit interested in how she looks - which I have no problem with, so long as she's clean and non-smelly!

I have 2 on the spectrum.

There is no standard. They do things when they are ready. But, regarding the washing, I was a bit militant, up and bathed or showered before going downstairs for breakfast every day. No exception. It helped that they wanted to eat😁

Just keep encouraging and introducing new things. She'll do things when she's ready and it will be down to the effort you put in for her.

My DD is 9. I help her with her hair. She has, in the last month, started to brush it herself. She's not particularly willing to learn to plait it, mainly because she's not interested in fashion/dolls etc. I have bought a couple of booster packs of Pokemon for the first time she does a half decent plait. They've been sat there two months.... She can tie it back in a pony tail but I still do her hair for school so it has a chance of staying in all day.

Starting to smell is far more important to tackle. DD has to have a shower every evening and put deodorant on. That is non-negotiable.

Neither of mine were quite able to manage it at that age, one coule probably have put her bobble back loosely on a plait if it fell off, but struggled to gather her hair into a ponytail.

We started practicing loose ponytails with a big scrunchy hairband, the thicker fabric was a bit easier to manage than thin elastic. They both got on well with the plastic coil bobbles too, they don't need to be so tight to grip the hair.

At some point they both grasped it, the older one went through a phase of watching complex plait videos on you tube and suddenly want to practice on me constantly. She can now do quite a variety. Youngest is 14 and can manage a day to day ponytail although I still do a comb through every couple of days to make sure there are no tangles building up.

We also had non negotiable shower days, just part of the routine for those evenings. It took a long time and some not so nice battles to get it set, but years in I'm glad we did. Once they got to secondary we added in showers on PE days too.

My dd is 10, she has a head she practises on but still can only manage a very basic ponytail on herself that wouldn’t look good enough for school. I try and get her to brush it but I still do it for her every morning. She also started to smell over a year ago now and has a shower every morning no exceptions. I make her wear deodorant for school.

My 9 year old Dts can brush the top mm. I have to step in otherwise they'd have rats in there. They have long thick hair. I don't think it's unusual. If I get my way I French plait it but they're not up for that so much anymore.

DD is in year 8 with waist length hair. She has only just got the hang of doing it herself and still needs help when it is wet....