Hi there. I’d be really grateful for some insights. Never posted here in my life but feel like I have nowhere to turn to. Separated from my ex 3 and a half years ago. I left the relationship for complex reasons. He had depression and just wasn’t IN the relationship. Never worked, was often moody and unkind, we never were physical, miracle we had two children, I never felt loved etc. It was deeply painful to leave as I loved him despite it all, he is charismatic and can be very warm and excruciatingly funny and kind, but the depression was too much, he wouldn’t get help but it was becoming toxic and was making me feel unloved and unnoticed and life was very small. We have two kids together. Since I left he has blamed me entirely for the break up. I have worked really hard to make sure we have a brilliant coparenting relationship. I have ensured he sees the kids regularly and made sure we still all feel like a family unit but from two homes. He contributes nothing financially to the kids and I organise most things but I have swallowed it because the most important thing to me is that we are still amicable for the sake of the children. We have family days every week and joint parent together. We have days out together and meet up for classes for the kids. We home schooled together in lockdown often and even went to a cottage in the countryside with his mum too last summer. I have just kept going at it and dealt with moods and unkind bitter words etc to make him see it is possible. It hasn’t been easy but I have been determined to make it work. And now it really is working. We chat on the phone cheerfully about the kids. We send each other pictures of them. It is really nice.
I feel guilt most days. I worry all the time about what leaving has done to my sweet kids. On the whole they are great and happy but my older one (8yrs) has anxiety which the school say is likely due to the separation.
So now, I have a new guy. Treats me really well and is devoted and loving. Really motivated and active, hard working, kind and sensitive. He moved in slowly over the lockdown as it made sense for us to be in a bubble together. It was a bit too soon for me but the kids accepted him really well as my friend and love having him around. We’ve never explicitly said he is my partner, it has just organically grown and blossomed. Obviously I told my ex and have always kept him in the loop. He has said horrid things about him to the children which I know confuses them about whether they are allowed to like him or not. But lately things have finally calmed down loads and it feels like finally, after all this time and stress, everybody is doing ok. I still have days when I wake up and can’t believe I left and sometimes look at the new guy and wonder how it is he is here and whether I will ever really love anyone fully again. I do love him, but the bond you share with a co parent, that parenting history and experience together, is unmatched.
Anyway, the new guy and I decided to buy a house together. A renovation project. My current little place is tiny and we are bursting at the seams. The kids want to move and have their own bedrooms and a garden. It would be nice for them. And building a home up together felt like a nice way to slowly start a new chapter together and grow together. The kids understand it would be with the new guy. The older one at first was upset about it and cried when he realised it wouldn’t be with daddy. This was before Christmas. Since then though he has been fine about accepting the move and thinks it would be an adventure. The younger one is more fearful of moving. He doesn’t want the change and finds endings of things upsetting. He keeps saying he wants to take the kitchen with him. So I have been worrying a bit about whether moving is still a bit soon for them both. But it also could be an amazing opportunity. And adventure. Anyway, 2 days ago I heard finally after months of waiting, we had our offer accepted. On the same day I found out I was pregnant. Unplanned. And I am in total turmoil.
I always wanted another baby. I love being a mummy. I know this guy would be a lovely dad. If we were in our 30’s starting out, this would all be so exciting. But I’m 42. And separated. And juggling so many plates. Trying to make sure my ex is happy, trying to make sure the kids are ok, trying to make sure the new guy feels included and loved. I start a new job on Monday which I have been very nervous about as it will change our current routine, and now feel like death. Full on fatigue and so sick. And, I am just terrified now. We had talked together about maybe having a baby so this isn’t totally unwanted, but we were thinking of a bit later, despite my biological clock ticking. It just feels far too soon. How can we move and renovate a house now? The baby would be due in December. I wanted to get through another Christmas. Usually I go my ex’s and we spend the day together with his mum and the kids and I cook for everyone. I buy the gifts and make it feel as Christmassy as I can. I wanted to have another Christmas without worrying about the kids having to be in two homes. How can I be heavily pregnant in front of my ex? What will this do to him? And our co parenting relationship? What will his mum say? (I have no family.. dad died when very young and mum is estranged due to mental illness) How will the children cope with so much change? Moving house, my work starting and the routine changing, and now a baby? It just all feels totally overwhelming and too much.
We still can’t believe I’m even pregnant. We were so careful and barely even did it! I have been quite ill lately with thyroid and on new medication and my cycle had been really weird. It feels almost an impossibility that I can pregnant. I am stunned. I truly don’t know what to do. My children mean everything to me. I don’t want to give them anymore psychological upset to cope with. What if this really changes the dynamic? I mean, I know it will. I want to keep having family days with my ex and still maintain that co parenting relationship. It is so important to me. My family unit is my main focus and priority. I can’t even imagine parenting with a new person. It makes me feel grief and sadness. Right now I just want to terminate, not move house, quit the new job and get rid of the new guy. I just want to hold my children tightly and keep their world as safe and as uncomplicated as I can. But I recognise this may be shock. Maybe I am not allowing myself to see the joy of it all. My friends have been so happy for me about the new guy. They all were preying I would leave the ex for years. They love the new guy. I have told only my best friend I am pregnant. She was over the moon excited for me. Says it will be the making of us all and the kids will love it and it will help them move forwards fully into being a blended family life. It will be a new start and it’s so exciting. I just don’t want to break their hearts. Nothing says “Mummy and Daddy aren’t getting back together again” more than having a baby with a new man.
What will all the parents at school think? They watched the break up and half of them don’t even know about the new guy. I feel self conscious enough most days anyway. I felt judgement and some of them are friends with my ex. Although none of them truly know what it was like and why I left. Anyway, I’m rambling now. I know this is mainly about me about needing to accept what I did and letting myself step into my new life. Forgiving myself and allowing myself to let go of that old relationship. But if I’m not there yet, should I be having a baby? Oh my god. I can’t believe I’m pregnant. I just can’t believe it. I feel like a terrible human.
Sorry for long essay. Any kind gentle words of comfort or wisdom would be greatly appreciated. Thank you so much.