Does dd need to be more open? If so how to encourage it?

[balzamico]

Our dd is 16, doing her assessments that will form her gcse grades, working hard, doing well, has friends etc etc.
We thought we were coming through the whole covid/ exams thing well, I know so many who are not but she seemed ok.
Last night we found several empty wine bottles under her bed (most of which were ours!) plus cider cans. She says there was stuff going on during lockdown which we don't know about, she was low, made a misjudgement (several!), lockdown was soo hard, thought would help etc.
She is contrite, has repaid the cost of stolen wine, apologised, we've had a good chat but we had no idea even though we thought we have a good relationship- I know and totally accept (maybe too much) that teenagers want privacy and can be secretive but she is such a closed book.
She says so herself, doesn't share her problems/ concerns with us or her mates.
This doesn't feel great for her mental health in the future, I worry about kids and suicide (2 in her school this year alone).
What can I do to help her? Counselling? Are there skills I can learn to draw her out a bit?
In all truth I think I'm similar, I certainly understand how she feels and reacts.

She is 16 and drinking secretly at home alone.
You need to get her help- professional help today.

I would offer to try to find counselling so she can talk with an external, non-judgemental adult.
Turning to alcohol to solve problems is never a good idea.

It may be a lot easier for her to open up to someone impartial rather than someone who she may worry she's letting down for example. I agree I think she needs professional help.

Hang on, were you able to establish if this was alcohol that she drank over time, or with friends, or very quickly by herself all in one go? Or whether this was the first time she had tried it? I think that is key here and will determine whether she needs professional help or not? Are there any other signs that she is abusing alcohol? Is she eating well? Is she getting out of bed on time in the mornings? How is her school work? Is she healthy? Does she seem happy? Does she feel that wine helped her?

It's not so much a case of "does she need to be more open and how to encourage it", but more that being closed off can be normal for teen girls (see Lisa Damour's "Untangled") and you need to establish whether she is developing a serious problem here.

You sound as if you have a lovely relationship with your dd op and that you are being too hard on yourself. Of course we worry. But we also have to show trust in our DC (within reason!) so that they can have confidence in their own decisions, and trust that we have instilled the right values in them before adolescence strikes, when they naturally become more private.

It's very hard to know when to intervene. Especially when most of their lives are lived on line. And with lockdown exacerbating problems. But I think you did exactly the right thing. You talked to her. Kept the lines of communication open.

I would be first and foremost interested in what lies behind her need to drink alone by herself in her room at night (if indeed she did that)? Did you ask her if there was something particular going on that made her feel unhappy? Tell her you are there for her and if something upsets her in future, please would she not turn to wine for the reasons below, but come and talk to you? Or would she like to talk to a counsellor?

www.nidirect.gov.uk/articles/young-people-and-risks-alcohol

And I would keep emphasising how many teens are having difficulties in the pandemic ,she is not the only one, that there is help available and that you will support her to get help if she needs it, or if you are seriously worried about her and think she needs it. Finally I would emphasise how much you love her and how you hate to think of her upset with no one to talk to.

Good luck

Does she seem happy otherwise that should have said.

And op you may get more expert advice if you get this thread moved to the Teenagers board.

@ReneetheRobin thank you so much for your balanced and reasoned response. I did post on the teenagers board but it's very quiet so got only one (empathic) response.
I think she was drinking some of it on chat with her friends which I'm pretty comfortable with but some on her own which is more alarming. However, I don't think she has an alcohol problem that needs referral today, I think she's a teen who fancied getting a bit pissed for fun of which there was precious little - I will be watching more closely to check if I'm right in that.
However, among her peers there is a tidal wave of issues coming to light, many eating disorders, school refusal, self harm, ocd etc etc. Most of these among people I know and who I wouldn't have "expected" it of. I knew lockdown had been incredibly hard on teens mental health but thought we were coming through unscathed.
It's been an eye opener for sure, I have (against my nature) opened up to friends today and got some good advice from them too and will be trying to get her to talk more over the coming weeks about what happened and why - with her I have to take a softly softly approach though or she'll clam up.
Thanks again

She drank it over a long period (she says) and is generally happy otherwise. She has good friendship groups, is doing well at school but is no perfectionist- however, like her father, two really strong characteristics are that she hates change (lots of that, moving to 6th form, lockdown etc etc), and is a stickler for fairness - I can totally see her thinking that if we were drinking, she's entitled to the same.

It's exactly the same here with my teens Balzamico. A lot of problems are emerging from them and their friendship group that weren't previously apparent before lockdown. Before you would have considered them to be a group of intelligent, energetic, sensible girls with strong friendships, lots of outside interests, from homes with engaged parents, with good academic attainment. Now the majority of them have issues with anxiety and depression, IBS, lack of motivation, one girl has developed anorexia, another is self harming. The school is basically ignoring it because it's more convenient to do so, and because I think the teachers have had an equally tough time and can't take much more and it's easier to pretend everything is ok. Teens are almost biologically programmed to form groups and have close friendships and I don't think I am being over-dramatic by saying that having had that denied to them has affected them profoundly.

I haven't opened up to my friends about it, we all seem to be skirting around the issue, saying vague things like "yes it's difficult for them at the moment". I think I might try and open up a conversation.