Has anyone realised their parenting of a young child went awry in lockdown?

[2021herewecome]

I was at home last year with my DD, who turned 2 at the beginning of the first lockdown, and later with my newborn DD2.

Because my DD was not in a childcare setting (she is now) and we weren't seeing peers, I have a worrying feeling I got a bit out kilter with what was and wasn't age appropriate behaviour wise. She loves her preschool and I'm told she's a pleasure there and on track developmentally, and she's so funny, creative and loving, but now seeing other 2 and 3 year olds and their interactions I'm feeling concerned I've left some things too late. It's really hard to explain what but I wonder if some of my boundary setting became a bit loose (it's much clearer now) in the haze of pregnancy, newborn and lockdown. Things that seemed cute and age appropriate at the end of her first year (ie getting up during song time at playgroups and trotting around the mat area with other children) no longer seem so now that she is 3 and I'd expect her to stay sitting with the others (this is also of course Covid influenced) for example. I can address it, I just feel like what should have been a gradual process has missed some steps and I'm floundering a bit feeling like I got it all a bit wrong.

She also had hospital treatment more recently which meant a period of being more allowing again, and I feel like I'm just getting back now to how I feel she deserves to be patented, although I know there's room for improvement and try harder every day.

Does anybody else feel the same or is it just me?

Should say end of her second year, as a 1 year old

Maybe it's actually that I wasn't quite on it from the start and I'm only just realising... I don't know

And parented not patented!

I think so, yes.

I'm the same, she's two plus baby. I focused on filling our days, then preparing for baby, then surviving.

She can walk miles, I mean miles. Count, colour, build, play, help feed the farm animals.

But she's still in a high chair, and a cot. Not potty trained, no signs ready. Not good at following a dance or instructions like you describe. No social interaction skills. Never sees anyone. Never been in a shop, sat in a trolley etc etc.

I suppose we are all doing our best and what has worked for us.

Hi, I'm sure things will work themselves out in time, don't worry unnecessarily.

I'm sure they will. But I know it's a critical time of development and feel a little on the back foot now - like my parenting somehow stood still while my child's development was trying to accelerate

Has anyone found they were able to turn things around? DD is fine but I know I need to be a more assertive and together parent some days!

This was partly what encouraged me to get a nursery place for a few days. During the bad weather there were weeks at a time when we weren't able to meet up with friends. My toddler was getting sick of the sight of me and badly missing friends.

It's hard to say what the effects have been, mine has settled into nursery OK but will play me up a lot by misbehaving but I think that's normal to an extent.

I worry about how my 2 year old socialises too. She’s very shy and clingy but given that she hasn’t been able to play much with other kids bar at childcare etc for a year - no groups and not much in the way of play dates it’s not surprising. It worries me and saddens me

She's tiny!!! Everything you describe is totally developmentally normal for a three year old.

The over emphasis on the importance of peers in recent years has not been a good thing and there is plenty of research supporting that. What children need more than anything else is time with parents (or other primary caregivers) who love them and they have a strong bond with.

Be gentle on her and you.
You got thru and everyone is doing great.
No need to become harsh. Or over strict.
She s cute and loving sounds adorable
Read
"How to talk so little kids will listen."

BTW my son was at nursery 3 days a week from the age of one. He is now five and still finds other children hard work. Often it is a personality thing. I worry a whole generation of naturally introverted children are going to yet written off as victims of covid non-socialisation.

Totally agree with @Embracelife

I was going to say what @Flemingshat said!

It's easy to get caught up in going to groups and "socialising" them but it's not at all necessary.

My son was two at the start of lockdown. He had previously attended groups but was still in the stage where they play alongside others not with them. Then he’s been in lockdown for over a year and had nobody to play with. He still doesn’t because none of the local nurseries have any available places till Sept. I do worry that he lacks social skills but what can I do 🤷‍♀️

Thanks everyone! I totally agree that an awful lot of who a child is and the woman or man they will become is personality

I think more than socialisation my concern is that I've sleepwalked into not parenting my DD properly, which hasn't been checked by noticing the progress of peers etc because I've not seen any

For example I feel like in lockdown I've sometimes allowed too much screentime, not enough structure etc, because there was nowhere to be. I've not reinforced some boundaries because lots of situations just haven't arisen. It's not an excuse but I think that's how it has happened. So when we do go somewhere exciting she'll sometimes tear around and run off when it's time to go etc. All probably quite normal, but I don't really know how to react in the moment (although I think I do the right thing in calmly explaining that if she runs off at time to go time we can't go again until I can trust her to stay with me etc)

So your DD is 3 ish now? In my experience, when DS got to about 2 3/4 was when we needed to start being a little firmer with boundaries, and being clearer about what was good and less good behaviour, and what we expected of him. We found that immediate consequences were necessary, rather that saying 'you won't get to go to the park again if you run off' it would be 'if you run off we will leave immediately' but also tempered with treats for good behaviour, so 'you are walking so nicely with mommy, would you like a chocolate button/extra go on the swing/whatever suitable treat'. They don't have the awareness at this age to understand how behaviour now might impact on something that will happen in the future. They also have very little impulse control, so it's kind of about working with what you have. I don't think it's too late, I think developmentally your DD is likely to be about ready for boundaries to be firmed up a bit, but I wouldn't worry that there has been any irreparable harm.

I also have an 18 month old, born in the November before we went into lockdown so I do get what you are saying about boundaries having been woolly, and too much screen time, not enough socialisation etc. She is in nursery now too, and doing fine, apart from occasionally liking to climb on the tables for a bit of a dance!

I think that, without being too deeply philosophical about it, lockdown will change our social expectations of children, and adults to an extent, and most childcare settings should be aware that kids will have had different levels of socialisation to the norm. As long as you and your childcare setting are working together, and your kids are generally happy and healthy, then the rest will come in time, I believe.

Simple and immediate
"We walk here at this place"
"In the buggy or walk nicely"

"calmly explaining that if she runs off at time to go time we can't go again until I can trust her to stay with me etc)"

"Until I can trust you "is a concept way beyond a two or three year old ..keep it simple

"Walk nicely do not scare the animals"
"Stay next to me"
"Walk nicely or we leave"

It is a weird time. My youngest children still went to nursery throughout lockdown (aged 18 months and 4 years old respectively) and I would say they are 'normal' in terms of behaviour etc.

My eldest, however, is 5 and just started P1 last year (Scotland) but with lockdowns and isolating because other children had Covid in school and then his brother had Covid, well he's had a hell of a lot of time off.

We were both wfh throughout and so became quite permissive with him. He was allowed his tablet a lot, could eat lunch in front of the tv, dictated what we were going to eat a lot for some reason, that kind of thing. We did this so we could work but now he has got an absolute stinker of an attitude, he won't do as he's told and now he's back at school his behaviour at home has really declined (although he's fine at school, model pupil).

I know exactly how you feel. MIL made a did the other week about us being too 'shouty' with him, and she's probably right, but the alternative is tiptoeing round him never knowing what is going to set him off and then trying to talk him out of a huff. He pushes every boundary and says no to me every single time I ask him to do something.

A lot of this might be backlash to having two younger siblings who 'get away' with things because they are younger, in his eyes. But I think we let him rule the roost a bit during lockdown because we felt sorry for him and now we are trying to take back control and he is fighting against that.

Following with interest.

@Embracelife and @katmarie yes I see what you mean, you are right. I do the immediate thing as seems like natural consequences but I am a bit stumped by the running off when it is time to leave immediately already sort of thing - I suppose the only thing to do is scoop her up and carry her to car calmly as I do

It's interesting and good to know that this might be a natural time for an adjustment in parenting anyway so not necessarily caused by permissive lockdown parenting...

running off when it is time to leave immediately

Put yourself in her shoes
Mum says time to go
How do I communicate I want to stay?
Oh I ll run away
It's communication
Five minute warnings ?

I don't think anything you describe is problematic or not normal for a 3 yr old. Things like too much screen time etc were probably the reality for almost everyone during lockdown tbh and that's easily resolved/changed so I wouldn't worry. Also, I agree with PP who says personality is a big factor, my DD is an introvert and clings to my side if I take her to playgroups and the like and always has whereas my other friends kids have been happily running about playing alone since they could move. And my DD has been in nursery since she was 9mo and has some good close friends there (she's about to turn 3), but she's an introvert and it takes her a long time to build up close relationships so she's not going to be chatting to strangers when we are out.

Yes I feel like this a bit. I had to home school 2 primary aged children and work so my 2 year old didn’t get enough attention at all. He has just started nursery and seems to be behind in his social and verbal skills. I knew his speech was delayed but I couldn’t get a HV to take any notice, I was just told they weren’t doing appointments due to Covid. I’m now at a bit of a loss and blaming myself.

@Spectrumofhumanlife

Yes I feel like this a bit. I had to home school 2 primary aged children and work so my 2 year old didn’t get enough attention at all. He has just started nursery and seems to be behind in his social and verbal skills. I knew his speech was delayed but I couldn’t get a HV to take any notice, I was just told they weren’t doing appointments due to Covid. I’m now at a bit of a loss and blaming myself.

Please don't blame yourself Contact ican for advice like hanen programmes

Ds had delays. No speech. AsD. Needed aoa lott of attention
Dd followed and spent lot of time watching TV as that is what her asd brother did. She was speaking full sentences by one. Some picked up from cbeebies

A delay is not your fault unless you never ever speak in front of him or to him.

ican.org.uk/i-cans-talking-point/parents/resources/