If you lost your DH how would you cope?

[MusicMenu]

I don't mean emotionally, that's awful but with the day to day management of life and home.

DH is bedbound and dying, so I'm literally having to do everything.

I generally consider myself quite capable and can turn my hand to most things. I have a senior job with transferable skills and at home I have (I'm sorry) shouldered most of the home admin. I run the finances, so I'm definitely not one of those women who doesn't know how to pay a bill etc.

I've always done most of the decorating, gardening and organising.

Things I am discovering I didn't know how to do:

• read the gas meter - I had to ask where it is
• clean the filter on the hoover
• re pressurise the boiler
• change an inner tube on a bike
• put air in car tyres
• fix a dripping tap
• make coffee with the fancy machine (I don't drink coffee, but still)
• what to do when a drain is blocked
• bleed radiators
• where we go for car servicing

None of them are major things I can't work out with the help of Google, but gosh it makes getting through the days hard when these things keep coming up and you don't know what to do without researching it. Possibly I'm finding it harder because of also caring for DH, but I'm very frustrated that I haven't taken more interest in things that weren't "my jobs".

Two years on from when my DH died, and you do figure it out or ask (it took me a long time to not be afraid of asking for help) but I absolutely know how you feel, I was walking the other day and thought that I don't know where the stopcock is! The toughest thing I have found is managing work and children and just being the only one around to cook and help with homework and entertain.

I am so sorry you are going through this 💐

I'm sorry you're having to go through this. I don't really know how to do many of the things on your list, but neither does DH - we tend to have to get a handyman in once a year or so

Our cleaner has become like a housekeeper too really, she does us so many favours and sorts all kinds of things out for us. We do pay her for time and materials but it still feels like she goes above and beyond!

In a pinch, YouTube is good for "how to" videos, I find

Thank you FiveGoMad. Yes, I'm feeling the weight of everything being down to me. I've always done my share, both at home and financially, but it's different now it really is all down to me to keep a roof over our heads etc.

And I guess I just also put off asking him as asking was accepting he was going to die even though I know he was, sorrg that's rambling

I lost my DH 2 years ago and you learn.
Some things are hard like I just had to get a new bed and I hired. Handyman to disassemble the old one and take the mattress away but then I had to make sure the bed company could assemble the new bed .I have had to learn a lot since he died but I have muddled through it all.
Like PP said I find it hard being lonely and dealing with the children and housework in my own

I love dp bit I think I'd be fine without him.

I'm sure there are plenty of things that would come up that I'd be unsure of, but you tube has been a huge help in learning to do things around the house.

I think the emotional toll must be huge, though.

So sorry you’re going through this @MusicMenu

My list would be pretty much the same as yours! We’re fairly equal when it comes to household stuff but we do have some of our own ‘tasks’ - DH would be useless with the weekly food shop and cooking, while I don’t take the meter readings or bleed the radiators etc.

Nothing to add. Just wanted to send you tons of love.

4.5 years since my DH died, I can do All The Things but my word, we miss him.

I'm so sorry about your current situation.

No one knows how to do everything. There are plenty on your list I can't do either. Putting pressure in to the boiler fills me with dread.

Some of those things you'll only have to do once to know what to do going forward. Things like the boiler I would get sorted during a boiler service. Halfords fix bike punctures etc.

Don't be afraid to ask for help though. Your friends and family will be wanting to support you but may not know how. Being able to do something specific you've asked for help with, would, I'm sure, be something they would be very willing to do.

Widow of 7 years here. You'll find people will be falling over themselves to help you with that stuff, don't worry. You can pay people to do most of that stuff too.

I coped by using life insurance to buy in childcare, handyman etc etc.

So sorry for your loss. You will cope, I promise x

Emotionally I would be a mess.

Practically I would be fine as I run most stuff in the house anyway.

Business wise, it would collapse unless I could get someone to run our company as well as DH runs his part (which I 100% couldn't), so I would be buggered with that one.

Financially I would be fine.

I was a single dm when I met dh. He has taken over quite a few chores tbh. Putting the bins out! Can't imagine being happy dragging it down our back alleyway.
And feeding the ddogs. The smell of ddog food is manky.
And keeping our cars roadworthy very cheaply - he does the labour...
Emotionally I would be fine but practically I would shattered! And skint!
Sorry for your situation op.. Maybe a prompt for us all to appreciate our dh's...

Oh no! What an awful time for you.
As you say I think it is harder at this moment as you are also caring for him on top of shouldering everything on your own. Once he sadly passes away, it will be a very busy period of time too dealing with the funeral, paperwork etc. Could you make a list of all the things you have to learn, and then prioritise it? By writing it down, you will take it out of your head and hopefully feel less overwhelmed. It sounds like you are very capable and organised so it will be more a matter of managing your energy levels. I would start the list with mortgages, insurances, pensions and that sort of consideration. Check your name is on all of them and on all the bills, and that you have all the passwords. If he has a car and is no longer using it, perhaps consider selling it already.
Get some outsourced services on the go now, so they will take you through once the worst happens and during this busy time of caring. For example: meals delivered, cleaning, laundry collection service. All the smaller things put on your list as you think of them, but deal with them as they come round. That will be a natural way to pace things. Do you have a handy person that can help you with some of it, maybe one of your parents, his parents, or a neighbour/friend who could be called upon?

Having seen (over and over) partners of both sexes left "totally helpless and paralysed " (either financially or domestically or both ) when one became permanently disabled or died, we are both determined that will never happen to either of us.

Emotionally it would be tough but practically I would be fine. I have a good job and do all jobs but not all the time. Don't think I would struggle at all tbh. I think when people struggle it is usually emotionally. Even if you are not great with the practical, you pick it up.

OP, I hope your DH has made a Will (or still has mental capacity to do so).

I am so sorry you are going through this. You will learn everything you need to know and as mentioned by others, YouTube has so much useful stuff.

For me personally, nothing changed when my husband moved out and later died. It's a sad testament to the state of him and of our relationship that I was already doing everything and had been for about 7 years. Every. Last. Little. Thing. He just went to work and drank, that was it.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through, OP.

I think all of us should consider this question, as we never know what's round the corner. On a practical level, I think I'd manage pretty well most of the time if something happened to DH. He has sometimes travelled for work for 3/4 months at a time, so I have had to learn how to mow the lawn, clean the filter on the vacuum cleaner etc. I also had to figure out what to do about a blocked pipe in his absence. He is usually the one to bleed radiators, sort out dodgy boilers etc though, so there would be some gaps - I'd probably have to get someone in to help with that stuff.

I actually found it quite empowering when dh was away, as it pushed me to learn how to do stuff for myself. I really miss the bin fairy though...

I've name changed for this as I haven't made my bereavement public on here.

I lost my DH 6 months ago & it has been tough.. But, people are so helpful, especially all the offical departments I have dealt with like DWP, banks, insurance etc. Many of them have bereavemnet departments & have been very willing to take things slowly & explain stuff really well.

DO tell people you have recently been widowed, they will really go out of their way to help.

The one important thing to do when your DH does die is to inform all insurance companies asap. (House, contents, car etc). Some have a clause that if you do not inform them of the death of partner/spouse your insurance becomes invalid after 2 weeks of the death. It's written at the very end of the small print..............

My sympathy to you - all I can say is I have bad days & better days & sometimes it feels like walking through treacle. .

Very sorry you’re going through this.
I’d be pretty rubbish initially tbh. Dh sorts out all the bills and paperwork so I do often worry that if anything was to happen I wouldn’t even know how to go about claiming life insurance or anything. I know this sounds awful.
I don’t know how to use the coffee machine, bleed the radiators, do the boiler or anything like that.
There are lots of things dh wouldn’t be able to do either.

I'm sorry for you Music as I understand completely through my own experience. I lost my DH over 10 years ago and apart from the emotional stuff it's the 'little things' which trip you up.

I learned to muddle along and I suspect you will too. There have been times when I've held my head in my hands and wept and no doubt you'll have bad moments too. Don't be too independent - remember that good people are often only too happy to help with these practical things and can show you how to cope. It will get easier with time.

Widowed 30 years ago, 6 kids eldest was eight. You will surprise yourself with how much you can actually do, and what you can’t do you will learn or get some one in. There was an amazing handy woman in the village near where I used to live and she was always busy. Women on their own used her services loads because she never patronised them and showed them basic stuff like bleeding rads and restarting the boiler.

I’d be a mess if my dp died he’s my rock my life my everything id be ok physically but mentally id be done for

So sorry you're going through all this, @MusicMenu.

I was widowed out of the blue nearly nine years ago. My DH handled all the finances and holidays though we shared everything else. While I've got on top of the money, the holidays not so much. I play safe when, were he here, it would be somewhere wonderful every year.
One the other hand lots of renovations and improvements done which had low value for my DH as he'd rather be on holiday. I'd trade it all for him back.

Youtube is your friend for so much these days. Look at your list and YouTube one every other day.

You'll get there.

All the best, OP.

You will learn how to do those tasks over time but in the meantime just say yes please to everyone who offers help. Your friends will genuinely want to help, so take them up on it.We have a village WhatsApp group and when my recently-bereaved neighbour posted on there needing help with a leak people were falling over themselves to help.

So sorry you’re going through this.