My mum is overbearing about my weight.

[toomanyjobsin1day]

My mum (she is 75) lost a lot of weight in her 50s, she has never put any back on or had any struggles with yo-yo dieting etc. I was always a size 10 up until having my second child who is now 9. I’ve been a size 14 for years maybe just recently going up to a 16. I’m 5’5 and weigh 13 stone.
My mum is my rock and supports me with everything and has always been there for me. But ever since I started to be overweight she talks about it constantly with me, she asks me what I have had for lunch, what I’m having for my dinner, if I’m sticking to whatever plan it is I’m trying this time. I don’t want to diet. I eat healthy foods and I’m very active (12,000 steps a day on average -two dogs). My children are not overweight I make healthy dinners. I do like a few drinks on a weekend and maybe a takeaway every other week. I enjoy this it’s my downtime with my husband. My mum just sees my weight when she sees me and I find it quite upsetting. I’m currently smashing a degree a uni (I’m 41), my kids are well looked after and happy but I feel like she doesn’t see me for any of these things. I have spoken to her before and asked her not to talk about my weight and she does back off a bit but then it slowly starts again. She is obsessed with weight watchers (she has been counting points for 20+ years) and losing weight but I am just not that person. Yes I would like to lose some, but it’s not my whole life! She always seems so disappointed in me, like I could be the president of America but it’s still not
good enough because I’m fat! I love her so much but just wondered if anyone else has a similar thing in their life?

I'm sorry you're experiencing this, OP, it must be very wearing.

I think you need to be a LOT more blunt with your mother - have you ever explained how you feel to her in as much detail as you have above, including things like you feel she doesn't recognise you for any of your accomplishments but only "sees" your weight when she looks at you? I would use your OP as a draft for a letter to your mother:

Mum, you are my rock and support me with everything and have always been there for me. But ever since I started to be overweight you talk about it constantly with me, you ask me what I have had for lunch, what I’m having for my dinner, if I’m sticking to whatever plan it is I’m trying this time. You just see my weight when you see me and I find it quite upsetting. I have spoken to you before and asked you not to talk about my weight and you do back off a bit but then it slowly starts again. I am proud of you for your weight loss but I am not you and I don't want to diet.

I’m currently smashing a degree at uni, my kids are well looked after and happy but I feel like you don't see me for any of these things. You always seem so disappointed in me, like I could be the president of America but it’s still not
good enough because I’m fat!

I love you so much but discussing my weight, diet or anything related is completely off the table. If you mention it I will ask you to stop. If you continue I will hang up the phone or leave.

I hope that we can continue to have the same wonderful relationship that we have always had, but without my weight being this difficult topic between us.

Love, toomanyjobsin1day

At the moment I think you are wanting her to change (which is completely understandable but not going to happen). Having good boundaries with other people means accepting that you can't change who they are or how they behave, you can only change your own behaviour.

If you tell her the above and then follow through on your end (refusing to listen to her talking about your weight by hanging up or leaving, or asking her to leave if she's at your house) you will find that either she does learn to stop bringing it up or at the very least you don't have to listen to it any more! Good luck.

@AndyYoureAStar

Thank you so much! It is very wearing. I will speak to her again, she has also started like this with my sister who is older than me and was always tall and slim but has put some weight on recently (she is a nurse and has been under a lot of stress), my mum will start talking to me about my sisters weight and I can easily tell her to stop and it’s non of her business, but I struggle to do this for myself! She will say things like ‘it’s such a shame, she had such a lovely figure’ and I think jeez, really? It like that is all that matters in her world. Thank you for your kind words, I know she will never change but I have let it affect me for far too long now. Xx

Eat her.

Joking....kind of.

It saddens me to read things like this, our parents should have our backs, I was 10 stone heavier this time 2 years ago and my mum never said anything negative about my weight - it must be so hurtful when they do

I'm about 5'7" and 12 stone, which puts me into the overweight category but I'm a 12-14 and pretty active so I'm not too bothered. However I work with a lady who I can tell is quietly horrified at what I eat (normal food!) as she's been religiously counting calories for years, as far as I can tell. She used to comment on whatever I was eating in the office but I pulled her up on it (good-humouredly) and she doesn't say anything outright now but I can tell it gets to her. I think some people just can't understand what they perceive as a lack of willpower in others, when often it's actually just a lack of giving a shit and being perfectly happy 😁

I wish you the best of luck with your mum OP - it sounds very tough and frustrating.

@LifeinaNorthernTown exactly! I think she believes it’s done in our best interests but its her best interests, not mine! She is absolutely wonderful with everything else and I am really close to her, I know I am so lucky to have her
I just find it hurtful, I got married in 2017 and I was about the weight I am now. I really tried hard to look nice. On the morning of my wedding my mum arrived at my house and asked me if she looked ok. She never said I looked nice, or anything on MY WEDDING DAY, I know it was because I was not slim and that means in her eyes that you don’t look nice no matter what. That really hurt. I have terrible confidence and self esteem issues and I found that hard to deal with. Xx

@Laquila

Lack of giving a shit - I love it!

I simply told my mother that the topic was no longer up for discussion and that if she wanted to spend time with me that was the rule.

She could never manage it for very long and in the end for many reasons we went no contact.

My mum criticised the way I looked on my wedding day too. I think bullies bully because they're insecure in themselves. I'm currently pregnant and my mum won't shut up about what I'm eating (quite a lot). Pre pregnancy and over the last few years I have hovered on the line between "healthy" and "overweight" in terms of BMI. It sounds like you have a much healthier relationship with food than your mum TBH.

@PurBal

This is the thing though, because of the years of hearing this constantly my relationship with food is really fucked up I'm constantly yo-yo dieting because I feel like I should be doing something to tackle it. If I hadn't had this constant pressure and feeling of shame and not feeling worthy I don't think I would be as heavy as I am now, which is really ironic

You keep going on about how wonderful your mother is, and how lovely she is, in spite of the fact that she makes you feel awful about yourself, you have, in your own words, a 'fucked up relationship with food', and now she's making a start on your sister, who presumably has been quietly minding her own business.

These are not the actions of a lovely person.

@toomanyjobsin1day
Sending big hugs. The thing that stood out for me was I eat healthy foods and I’m very active (12,000 steps a day on average -two dogs). My children are not overweight I make healthy dinners. which contrasted with She is obsessed with weight watchers (she has been counting points for 20+ years) makes me think you're doing alright and better than you're giving yourself credit for. Counting points / syns / calories obsessively isn't healthy. Making healthy choices about the food you eat and staying active is much healthier. We all enjoy a treat, and many of us would like to lose a bit of weight. But as you said in your OP it’s not my whole life! and nor should it be.

It's so boring when other people feel the need to try and police your weight isn't it...I have a friend who's also obsessed with WW and drips on about it at any given opportunity (whilst judging the weight of whoever she's evangelising to). I actually sent her an email in the end, as making comments to her didn't work. I explained that it was totally her prerogative to obsess over her own weight, but that I didn't need her to worry about mine (and everyone else's) and that if she didn't stop I would have to stop seeing her as it drove me nuts. She did stop. Explain to your dm again that your weight isn't her concern, and any further comments or questions will be met with a hand up and a SSHH! Hopefully she will get bored when you refuse to engage.

@LadyJaye

Yes I realise this, I just wanted to make it clear that she isn't like this with anything else, only this matter. I think she believes that she is looking out for me and helping me when it is clearly having the opposite effect and hasn't worked at all! X

@takemetomiami great advice! I find it difficult as I don't like upsetting people even when they are upsetting me, I know that's pathetic and I really need to be stronger I'm trying to work on that x

Tell her! Sounds like ur relationship is fine apart from this so tell her what u just told us.
She might be surprised and not realise how much it hurts you and how much she goes on about it.

If it stops and then creeps bk in like before. Don't let it. Say mum I've asked u before not to speak about my weight, I don't want to fall out with u so stop it. If she does again just shout MUM with a deathly stare!

Aww I feel so sorry for you! It speaks more to her obsession with food and weight than it does about yourself. Some people lack self awareness and don't even realise what they're doing. Definitely speak to her and explain how you feel.
My MIL is constantly talking about her weight and would do things like make me a sandwich with nibble bread and make my husband one with normal bread. She means absolutely no harm, she's just so used to doing this for herself she doesn't understand that others don't. Fortunately I find it funny but I could see how if you were already a bit stressed about your weight it might be hurtful.
I hope you find the strength to speak to her! And you sound to be a fab weight - oftentimes I think if you stay too slender as you age it shows on your face!

I completely relate to this and am sorry you have to deal with it. I am overweight BUT I am also the only female in my very extended family without an eating disorder. I take that as a win. My mum hates the fact that I am a size 14 and her comments hurt but recently I’ve told her not to mention my weight again. The only person who I really trust and is supportive of how I look is my life long terribly anorexic sister whose life is absolutely driven by food. She is tormented by her food obsessions. I would much rather need to lose a stone (and like you be fit and otherwise healthy) than have to live her life. You are doing ok by my book and you are teaching your children not to be daddy about food. It’s very important. Hang in there.

I had this with my mum - I then developed late onset anorexia partly to spite her. I now have a totally screwed up metabolism which is impossible to reset and a screwed up relationship with food. The only advice I can give is to ignore your mum or give a little laugh at her when she makes weight related comments and remark on the trivial things that matter to some people.