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Original poster

My little child and my alcoholic MIL

24 replies

Tvasbs30 · 04/05/2021 12:55

I'd like some advice as to how to deal with my MIL in regards to my daughter. My daughter is 20 months and due to covid we haven't seen my MIL (or anybody else) much in the past year but we'll probably meet again soon (we live hours away).
Because of her relationship with alcohol both my partner and I have no intention to let her babysit, which is a pity, but I wonder if I should allow her to be alone with my child at all. She tends to pick her up and take her away into another room or the garden or to meet her neighbours through the garden fence etc. Without asking me or letting me know - should I make sure she doesn't do that or is that unnecessary?
To give you a bit of background:
-She gets drunk every evening but in our presence not during the day, or at least not noticeably. When we're not around I know she has drink-driven, passed out from drinking etc. during the day
-I'm 99.99% sure she does drink during the day hiding somewhere but not to the point of being drunk. I don't think she could go without a drink for many hours without feeling unwell
-I'm also pretty sure she's hungover most mornings if not all. I've never known of anybody who has 'food poisoning' so often
-She has had many falls in the past few years, always because she was clumsy, distracted, wet floor etc. (according to her) but I'm sure it's because she was drunk
-She hides little bottles of alcohol around the house and bc she's forgetful doesn't always clears them out before we visit

I know she loves her grandchild but I also know she loves alcohol more.
Would you feel comfortable leaving her alone with your child for a few minutes here and there when you're not far away?

OP posts:

Trixie78 · 04/05/2021 12:58

I would probably for a few minutes but you'd have to judge how she is on each visit and obviously be extra vigilant if she's had a drink. Also be careful as you're LO is at the exploring stage do you don't want her discovering stashes of bottles 😬

PopsicleHustler · 04/05/2021 13:00

I wouldn't want my child around her, even if I was there to supervise....

I grew up with alcoholic parents. I am no contact with them at all whatsoever because of what I have had to endure even as an adult.

I understand that she is your MIL but the reality is you have said yourself she loves alcohol more than her dgc which in itself is very sad.
I'd keep it minimum contact ie phone calls when she is sober or something. I am sorry you have to go through this.
I'd also be having a word with your husband that his mother needs help to get off the booze. My parents will never leave alcohol. They love it and think its normal to get bladdered and forget they have a family to care for.

Thebookswereherfriends · 04/05/2021 13:01

I think I would judge it on how they seem on arrival. If they seem fairly “with it” then I probably allow them to take them in the garden alone. I wouldn’t allow them to carry them about and I wouldn’t leave them out of earshot.

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SoMuchForSummerLove · 04/05/2021 13:02

Well I guess I probably would...I mean, what's going to happen if she goes into another room for a few minutes realistically?

Anything more than that though, and I agree with you, she shouldn't babysit etc.

How sad for all of you.

dreamkitchenhelp · 04/05/2021 13:03

I would let her have access but only supervised.
I wouldn't want to risk my DD for the sake of hurting MIL feelings.

Crowsaregreat · 04/05/2021 13:03

Have you had any conversations with MIL about her alcohol use, or is it all a bit elephant in the room?

I would not feel happy about someone who was unsure on their feet carrying my DC around. Whether they were unsure due to age, injury or alcohol. I'd be worried about them falling with DC. At 20 months your DD is probably getting a bit big to be carried around anyway?

Unless MIL had shown some disturbed behaviour like shouting etc, I think it would be ok to just be in her company. But really your DP should be talking to her about her drinking.

LizJamIsFab · 04/05/2021 13:41

I’d take a look each time how she was walking and talking but generally yes I’d let her have a few minutes but I’d stay in next room/close.
From what you’ve said it sounds very serious and I’d be worried for your MIL dying from this. That said I don’t think you should try to encourage her to stop drinking, it’s way past that, if she asks for help you can help but otherwise just work out what your boundaries are. Ie if you turn up and she is falling about the place that you will turn and leave etc

Gingernaut · 04/05/2021 13:48

Under no circumstances leave your child alone with a falling down drunk.

Supervised visits only.

Timeforabiscuit · 04/05/2021 13:53

I'd try to meet outside her home, so outside at the park or zoo, (soft play was brilliant for this when open) or at your house.

Much easier to enforce boundaries somewhere neutral and public, and try to schedule mid morning.

Dd was incredibly travel sick, which was a very handy tie to home.

Happylittlethoughts · 04/05/2021 14:00

Wow..stunning level of ignorance in a few comments
"loves alcohol more than ..person". That's not how alcoholism or any addiction works and it's certainly not a black or white choice between those you love and your addictive substance. Jesus, educate yourselves.
That aside no she is a risk to your child's safety if left in one to one care. You cannot tell how much she has drinking. Possibly supervised contact would be best with you assessing each situation at the time.

WeeGobshiteBentBastard · 04/05/2021 14:02

Has she asked to have your dd unsupervised, OP?

Timeforabiscuit · 04/05/2021 14:06

Happylittlethoughts no need to be stroppy, it's painful coping with alcoholics -and educate yourself is an awful phrase which minimises the emotional hurt people need to deal with.

Loving alcohol more than the person is certainly how it feels to the person, no one is asking to be a professional Councillor here.

Original poster

Tvasbs30 · 04/05/2021 14:12

Hi happylittlethoughts,
I was thinking about that sentence soon after I posted and thinking it might be more accurate to say that she 'needs it more' rather than love or in any case that she puts it before her and all of us (I'm not gonna go into details here).
Your comment however is completely out of line and mean - if you are not going to be helpful why waste your time replying uneducated and ignorant strangers? I'm sure you have better things to do.

OP posts:

Original poster

Tvasbs30 · 04/05/2021 14:17

Hi, no she hasn't and we know we wouldn't allow that. My question was only about when she picks her up and takes her somewhere else in the house, garden etc bc it's happened in the past that I would go to the loo and when I came back she has taken her to meet the neighbours for example. I don't want to be too protective if unnecessary so trying to find the balance between letting her have a natural relationship with my dd without interfering when unnecessary and keeping my daughter safe. Does that make sense?

OP posts:

Original poster

Tvasbs30 · 04/05/2021 14:23

Thank you to those of you who have taken the time to say something helpful, really appreciated.
Thanks timeforabiscuit for your kind and compassionate words xx

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 04/05/2021 14:30

I can't imagine she's improved over lockdown, OP. It's a time where people have been unregulated in the normal ways. I wouldn't draw attention to her spending time alone with your child but after they've left the room I'd just get up and follow them. You can always make some excuse.

MargosKaftan · 04/05/2021 14:40

It should help your dd will be walking now, so won't need to be carried in the same way. Id be worried about a stumbling drunk dropping a baby, but walking along holding drunk granny's hand is less of a risk.

Do watch your dd closely at MIL House though.

SocraticJunkieWannabe · 04/05/2021 14:42

I think I would be OK with her taking dgd into garden or another room for a brief time if you or dh were nearby in the house or garden, but definitely no unsupervised contact.

Original poster

Tvasbs30 · 04/05/2021 14:42

That's a good point MargosKaftan

OP posts:

bananaboats · 04/05/2021 14:55

I don't think I'd be happy with this at all too be honest, impossible to know how much she's had to drink especially if she is used to hiding it. Appreciate it's tricky though if you want to maintain a relationship with her!

Crazycatlady83 · 04/05/2021 15:08

I think I would take every visit as it comes, she may be better some days than others. Also I would try to work out when she would be the most sober and time visits around then.

If she does try to leave the room, don’t be shy to follow them or maybe stand in the window if she takes her to the garden so you can keep an eye on them?

What does your DP say - was she this bad throughout his childhood? How does he feel he wants to manage the situation? Sounds like a really difficult situation

AnotherKrampus · 04/05/2021 15:22

This isn't about what your mother wants though. First and foremost it is about your DD. Personally, I would not allow any contact with a grandparent if they consumed alcohol, especially during the day. That's not appropriate behaviour around a child. The odd drink at some special event or in the evenings is different but I would not want it to be normalised that granny drinks. Yes, it is an addiction but it doesn't mean that there won't be any consequences, especially if you have to actually worry about your DD being physically impacted.

My best friend's mother was a drunk and swore blind that she would be sober around the granddaughter but wasn't and the toddler got hurt. The grandmother swore blind that it was just an unfortunate accident. She was given one more chance to spend time with her GD. My friend took her DD over and felt uneasy, as her mother seemed to be slurring her words who swore blind that she was sober. My friend took out one of those disposable alcohol breathalyzers (you have to carry them by law in France if you drive). Her mother's alcohol levels were really high at the end of the scale. She left with her DD there and then. She had to spend her childhood with a drunk but wasn't going to put her DD through that.

Cathie102 · 04/05/2021 15:40

Hi, I'm the child of a recovering alcoholic. I think a lot of you are saying "i wouldnt want a stumbling drunk carrying my child" and you are absolutely correct! However it's much more complicated than this. As OP has said you dont know for sure if she's drinking during the day. She likely is, but could be very high functioning. Therefore I would say a couple of minutes here and there is fine. I would still try to take your child to see your MIL as long as she remains sober-ish in her presence and while chatting to the neighbours over the fence is harmless I wouldn't let her take the child across the road for a cup of tea for instance.
Alcoholism is an illness, and doesn't stop the grandmother from still being kind and loving. Of course you have to be more careful than usual but I don't think it's black and white.

CarolinaWeeper · 04/05/2021 16:18

We had almost exactly the same situation, sadly that relative died from their alcohol abuse.....they were very high functioning so it was a shock when they deteriorated so quickly, it happened extremely suddenly at the end.

As she lives a long way away I would take each visit as it comes and see how she is but I'd be extra vigilent. Your DC will get bigger and won't need carrying for example. In my own experience we never really left DC with my alcoholic relative but the situation didn't naturally arise...
I'd have probably been ok leaving them for a couple of minutes when I nipped to the loo for example.

I'm really sorry, it's a shitty situation and I almost felt like I mourned the relationship my DC should have had with them even before they died. I wish you strength for what may come, it's a hard road being related to an alcoholic.

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