Advise about nephew friends and non binary

[Buzlightyear1]

Hi I wasn’t sure where to put this so hope this is ok ? If not I’m more than happy to have it moved. My nephew is 15 and has very mild Asperger’s . He has a crush on a friend but is to shy to ask her out.

There is one person in the group of friends that came out as non binary and is talking to all the friends and anyone who will listen non stop about this. The girl who my nephew has a crush on has now said she is non binary to it seams to be all the children in the group are now doing this. My nephew broke down in tears last night , he’s been non stop talking about this since chatting to this friend who is a online friend as school split them up due to covid.

We are not sure how best to support my nephew he is very vulnerable. We have no problem at all if he is non binary or with any one who is. When my nephew talks to us about we explain yes everyone is different it doesn’t really matter what you are as long as you are happy we love you very much. We generally don’t care if he’s gay non binary or whatever we are a very laid back family. But hate to see him so upset. We don’t no how best to support him and I think he will do whatever he can to fit in like we mostly do as teenagers which we are fine with as long as he’s not hurt. But last night he spent all night crying . Is there any advice from people who have been through this ? Please and sorry if this is the wrong place

Maybe explain that non-binary really just means that you don’t want to label yourself as a boy or girl because there are lots of expectations/stereotypes that are not fair. So it doesn’t mean that he can’t ask her out. It has nothing to do with biological sex/sexuality. She’s still his friend. Nothing has really changed apart from a label.

(I personally think non-binary is a reaction to stereotypes and is fast becoming a ‘thing’ to do. I also think it’s a worthless and fabricated idea as we are all not obliged to follow social stereotypes and biological sex means just that and nothing more).

Thank you we will definitely do that. We do think this has become a bit of a thing like you said. But have not said that to him as we want to make sure he will speak to us and not clam up. But I definitely agree with you

I wanted to separate my own views to what would be useful for your nephew. I think you’re a wonderfully supportive Aunty/uncle and he’s very lucky to have you. I hope he feels a bit happier soon.

Thank you very much. We really appreciate that .

It’s very common for young people on the spectrum to not have a strong gender identity until later than an average teen

Most of my DC friends who are all later teens and on the spectrum identity presently as anything other than their assigned birth gender

There is concern within the ASD community that this vulnerable group of young people are being encouraged to be other as they search for who they actually are without being supported to say actually at the moment I just don’t know who I am

At the moment your nephew just needs support to say actually this is who I am and not get pulled into what’s going on in his group of friends

support him to understand that his friends and the girl he likes are still the same people but are just starting to recognise themselves as sexual beings and are trying to work out who they are in relation to others

Thank you. I definitely agree with that about being vulnerable and easily lead into things. I really appreciate the advice and will definitely do that. We just hate seeing him upset like that so hopefully getting him to see nothing has really changed will help. Thank you

Your nephew hasn't said he is non binary, has he? You haven't said that, only that two friends have declared that they are.

He is probably a bit confused by it all, leading to him wondering about himself which is not unusual, particularly nowadays when it is so fashionable amongst teens to be non binary.

Let your nephew talk about it as much as he wants, he knows he is loved regardless, but do try to divert his attention to other things. There is more to a person - and to life - than their gender or sexuality. I'm sure he must have interests which absorb him at times.

After reading your OP I'm a little unsure what he is upset about (if he is even able to define it). Is it because he is the only non-binary and feels left out or pressured to be nb? Or is he upset because he thinks this girl won't like him unless be is also nb?

It might be useful to talk about identity more broadly. They are all at an age where they don't know who they are so they look around for ways to fit in and boxes they can put themselves into, anything that might help them figure things out. He can help by being supportive and listening without subscribing to it himself.