How do I find a counsellor who isn't biased about family separation?

[nevergonna]

I'm estranged from my parents for a number of very valid reasons and have been for several years now.

I recently sought counselling over a relationship breakup but the counsellor seemed to fixate on the estrangement with my parents.

I explained that it was for good reason, to keep myself safe but also because I have safeguarding concerns regarding my children and they have spent several years trying to get unsupervised access to my children (they are very rich and can afford solicitors letters and family court).

I didn't particularly feel the need to go over all of that but the counsellor told me that a) I was probably only keeping them at arms length because I am traumatised and dissociated and then talked about how I could maybe gradually increase their access to my children in stages.

I have never felt less heard or understood in my life. I have very valid reasons for not having them in my life and my ex DH (father or my dc) agreed 100 per cent.

Do all counsellors have this bias that you are probably being a bit silly if you're estranged from family and need to suck it up and expose your children to risk for the sake of family staying together?

It's really put me off counselling if I'm honest.

No, they do not all hold that view. Some encourage/support their clients whilst reducing contact for example.

Counsellors are like any relationship - you may have to try a few.

Don't give up because of one bad apple. Well done for being strong. You will find someone better - and with all your back story it sounds like a bit of support would be good.

No I've seen a few over the years and never have any of them encouraged contact with my toxic family, quite the opposite in fact , most of them were quite on board with me staying very far away from them.

I would tell her your estrangement with your family is a different topic you don’t want to explore at this time

But, given you are already feeling uncomfortable with her and no longer trust her to be the right person to help you, it would be pointless to continue counselling with this counsellor.

Thanks all I will think about looking again. I feel quite deflated now and kind of defensive I guess. I'm used to people giving their opinion on this stuff so I generally keep quiet about it as I feel so judged. Just didn't expect it from a professional I guess.

I can't get over them saying I might gradually increase contact with my children after explaining the kind of things they put me through in my own childhood. I think it's brought back feelings of not being believed or people thinking I'm over reacting.

Unfortunately it's pot luck with counsellors. It doesn't take much for someone to claim they are one when really they've done a short course. It can take a while to find the one that's right for you therefore I would advise looking again for someone. They've broken your trust by exploring that avenue now anyway.

My therapist was 100% supportive of my decision so it definitely isn't all.

@gingerbiscuit19

Unfortunately it's pot luck with counsellors. It doesn't take much for someone to claim they are one when really they've done a short course. It can take a while to find the one that's right for you therefore I would advise looking again for someone. They've broken your trust by exploring that avenue now anyway.

Thank you. They were very experienced and had high level qualifications and membership status so I don't think it was their professional status that was the issue so much as their bias.

I think when I try again I might actually interview them regarding this element as I think family stuff may come up again.

@Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear

My therapist was 100% supportive of my decision so it definitely isn't all.

That's really good to know, thank you

Unfortunately it's pot luck with counsellors.

I really believe this. I have a friend who has been referred for counselling several times over the past few years. Each counselor has given her different input, none of it very helpful. I question whether their skills are being assessed in any meaningful way.

If you are going private and can choose your own counselor, just keep trying until you find one that works for you.

No therapist worth their salt will have any agenda. I am struggling with becoming estranged with my family and have returned to my therapist. Who doesn’t push me one way or the other. Huge red flags if they do.

@Chipsahoy

No therapist worth their salt will have any agenda. I am struggling with becoming estranged with my family and have returned to my therapist. Who doesn’t push me one way or the other. Huge red flags if they do.

Sorry you're going through estrangement too, it can be so hard. I'm glad you have had supportive experiences, that gives me hope.