Do we have obligations to parents/siblings and their kids?

[FleshLiabilities]

Do we have obligations to parents/siblings and their kids given that we didn't choose these relationships?

I wonder whether people think we have a moral duty to provide care for elderly parents, or to take an interest/provide support to their siblings and their neices /nephews?

I don't know if thinking of it in terms ofnobligations helps. Sometimes you have the sort of relationship where your input is helpful and there are actual things you can do for a person. Other times you just don't have that relationship and it's better left to someone who does or a professional.

It depends how your relationship is. If its good, then yes. If they are abusive or neglectful, no.

I think you also can have people who you are closely related to on a genetic level but who you have little or nothing to do with. Without a relationship there is nothing there.

I don’t think you have an obligation just based on a blood connection; I would always care for and support parents and siblings and their children because they have always been there for me. My sister is my biggest support so I’d always be there for her and my mum was/is a good mum and as an adult has always supported me so I’d be there for her.
I have family members who are a bit crap and I guess I do feel an obligation to support them as that’s how my parents brought me and they don’t have anyone else. In general though I believe that as a society and Individual we should be judged on how we treat our most vulnerable people so I’d always want to help people

I personally believe we have a moral obligation to help anyone and everyone, if we can do so without damaging ourselves or others.

That doesn’t mean never saying no, it doesn’t mean not having boundaries. It means being aware of our own limitations and our capacity to help others, and actively doing so where we can.

For some people that’s giving money - to charities, to people in the street, to family. An amount they can afford and feel ok about giving. For some people that’s opening their homes and lives by fostering (children or animals), for some it’s volunteering. For some it’s becoming a voice, an advocate, whatever. And some people are drowning in daily life and have absolutely no capacity to do a single thing more for anyone else. And that’s ok too.

I do not think we are obliged to help anyone purely because they are related to us. And I do not think we are obliged to destroy ourselves or our nuclear family by putting others first.

Example - if my cousin’s children were ever to require an alternative place to live, I’d squeeze them in somehow. Because I can. Because family is important. And because I have the necessary skills involved in parenting traumatised children (hypothetical cousin; as far as I am aware, none of my relatives are currently in this situation). But I’d find someone else to care for the dog. Because I can’t. My friend however would take the dog without question, would take on a “concerned adult” role for the children, visit them regularly, advocate for them to be kept together, become a memory holder for them, but wouldn’t be able to take on a full time parenting rôle.

If I knew that someone was suffering, I would want to help. But, if that person was someone with whom I had had a long and toxic relationship, that help would not involve me becoming a hands on carer. Boundaries. Oxygen mask on first. I might decide I was willing to shop once a week. Or I might decide even that level of contact was detrimental to my own mental health, in which case I might limit myself to ringing social services and the GP and ensuring that the relevant authorities were aware of someone in need of urgent help.

When my niece needed money for an international activity, I was happy to donate towards the cost. But I wouldn’t have sold my car in order to fully fund it. Gave a little more than I would have given to my friend’s child for the same trip, but not because I believed I was under any obligation to do so. Just because I wanted her to be able to have that particular experience, and I wanted to be apart of making it happen.

Is that the sort of thing you mean?

I've always liked to help people, but I don't necessarily think that "helping" should mean actually doing the care. When my mother was alive she needed care for the final few years - we didn't get along too well and I had no inclination to care for her myself, so I did all the organising so she got good levels of home care . I always kept in contact with them and with her , to make sure she was doing well.

I don't feel any obligation to my sister, or to her children, not at all. I talk to her by phone every week, and if she was concerned about anything I'd help with advice, but I wouldn't feel it necessary to fly over there and do anything for her. Ditto her children - they are adults and able to look after themselves.

My mum was extremely neglectful and left me completely when I was 12. So I couldn’t care less if anyone thinks it’s my “moral” duty to look after her. I am not lifting a finger for her.

I do care about my sister and would do anything I could to help her. As she would for me.

Any relationship, blood or not, works both ways. In my mind there is no obligation to do anything for someone who’s treated you like crap.

I think it's more based on the relationship than the genetic connection. If there was abuse or mistreatment then I can totally understand people not wanting to step in and help later down the line.

But I think most people would feel some sense of responsibility to help elderly parents or siblings who were struggling if they can, perhaps even if they didn't have the best relationship, because there is some connection and caring on some level.

I think it depends on the parenting growing up, if they were good parents then I can’t see why people wouldn’t want to help in the later years. Very different if they weren’t.

Siblings are different, childcare in an emergency yes but no obligation to provide regular childcare for a decision they made.

Depends what you mean by it.

I feel doing things out of obligation is actually worse than not doing anything at all. It just causes resentment on all sides.

I will support my mum as much as I can, living hundreds of miles away from her. But I wouldn't move back home or get her to move to me (she wouldn't do it anyway). But I would help as much as possible and practical.

My sister - hm, I have a very difficult relationship with her. I care about her in way that she is my sister and not an acquaintance but I wouldn't go out of my reach to help. Neither would she. Again, not living anyway close means there is no way to do it anyway.

I don't think it's an obligation. But if you want to help, and you are in a position to, then it's nice to. No one should ever feel under pressure to offer support that aren't able to, or simply don't want to. In my experience, there's a reason why people don't want to help!

One of my siblings always expects to be everyone's priority. One of the "don't bother with my kids I won't bother with you" sorts. Except they never make any sort of effort with anyone whatsoever... because.. children! I don't feel I should offer them all my support.

I suppose I'm feeling a bit guilty about not being in my nephews life due to being NC with my sibling. I used to help out many years ago before going nc. It's not my nephew's fault that his parent behaved badly. I also have/had ambivalent feelings towards my parents as I feel they didn't always give me the support I needed. Before my dad died, I used to go and visit him, but only out of a sense of duty.

You should choose to do it out of love more than moral obligation imo.

What if you don't feel "love"?

I personally would still make a bit of an effort even if I didn't feel love. But that also depends on why I don't feel the love. There's a difference between just not having a close relationship and feelings of resentment, hate, etc. Some people absolutely should not feel pressured to fulfil a "moral obligation" if their family behaved badly towards them.

@FleshLiabilities

What if you don't feel "love"?

Exactly. I can't say I love my sister, too many things happened to alter our relationship. But I care about her in a way that we share a childhood, a family and therefore a history.

Due to a long time of no contact and me living too far away I only have limited contact to my nieces and their families. My mum has no contact with my sister for years now.

You don't say how old your nephew is, my mum only started having contact with one of my nieces again since she is an adult and makes her own decision and stood firmly up against siblings and parents who weren't pleased. But they came to the conclusion that family is a topic not discussed apart from the odd bits of news being mentioned. You may need to wait and find your own relationship at a later stage.

How could you have a relationship with your nephew in you’re NC with your sibling? How old is he?

It’s sad you can’t but you can’t, because of the actions of your sibling.

@AnneLovesGilbert OP said she doesn't have a relationship with her nephew due to going NC with her sibling.

I know. That’s what I saying...

My nephew is early twenties now so being NC with my sibling isn't really an issue. I used to be involved when my nephew was a toddler but then didn't see him for about 12-14 years. Have seen him very occasionally since then.

If your nephew is in his early 20s, @FleshLiabilities, regardless of whether you're NC with his parent/your sibling... if he's not made any effort to contact you, as an adult in his own right - it's highly unlikely that he wants a relationship with you.

You've been absent from his life for 12/14 years - and his loyalty will lie with his parent, not you. So, I'd hazard a guess that your nephew is NC with you, irrespective of your guilt.

I'm sorry if this doesn't sound nice but he probably isn't that interested in a relationship with you at his age and after so much time. He'd probably give you the time of day if your were in contact with your sister but would you have much in common otherwise?

Do you have any specific concerns about your nephew, his life or how much support he has?

One of my sister os ASD and I am very much aware that when my parents eventually pass on, I will be obligated to take responsibility for her. She is high functioning but quite vulnerable.

To be honest I hadn't really thought about contact from his point of view, so pp saying that he could make contact if he really wanted actually makes me feel a bit better, as I feel less guilt about things.

I'm quite stand offish and don't really feel connected with my family so having no relationship won't really bother me.

I feel I have a moral duty to my parents because they looked after me and changed my nappies and fed me etc. So I owe them. But I don’t feel that I owe anything to SIL or BIL and I don’t give a shit about their kids.