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Original poster

Childcare dilemma

28 replies

ToastAndCoffee · 03/05/2021 12:10

At the end if 2019, dh worked a half hour commute away and I worked evenings. Now, he is wfh and I have changed career. I have done well-ish and received a promotion. I now have an hour/hour and a half commute and work shifts. It is an excellent opportunity to work in a top performing site under an amazing boss i will learn loads from. I really really dont want to leave. I absolutely love it and love having a career again after so long working bar jobs and minimum wage so the travel, while annoying, is worth it in career terms, with the opportunity to switch closer once I am more established.
Dh will have to go back to the office at some point, initially probably for one day a week and my boss has agreed to one stable week day off as part of the rota to facilitate this.
On to childcare... two teens of gcse age who will be absolutely fine. If dh is in the office then he gets home.at around 7, although I have argued he previously got home at 6 so I could work. This was agreed with his boss back then but now it is one day only in the office she may not see it the same? If I am on early, then i get home around 7. If i am on lates, i get home around half ten. On the face of it, as i am covering home on the day he is at work it seems fine, but what about when he goes back more days?
The problem is the ten year old. Yr 6. She will walk home if needed but it is almost 2 miles and she hates it and in september WILL be walking home, justin's the teens do, again about 2 miles. Gets in around 4.
Should we have the older teens to adjust their schedule to make sure one is home for her? One especially tends to get detentions so will not be able to do that if he is in dt. (Whole mother thread!) The other would have to curtail his social life a little plus is autistic but high functioning.
Plus the teens dont always get along with the 10yr old and dh and i are too far away to pop him in a lunch break (not that i get one ha!)
The teens are too old for a nanny or au pair. And the 10yr old will be too old for childcare in september as there are no after school care, obviously.
Do I just have to give up my career after just getting it back, or put it on hold?
Solutions would be appreciated!

OP posts:

Bobbots · 03/05/2021 12:14

Do not give up your career! Ffs if I read another thread where women give everything up for their kids and their DH gets to continue just as he was before I will scream.

I don’t have a solution but this is a problem for you and DH to sort JOINTLY. It is not just your responsibility. They are his kids too. You should not be the default parent.

Rainallnight · 03/05/2021 12:17

Relying on the teens sounds a bit precarious. Is there no after school club?

Rainallnight · 03/05/2021 12:17

Yes and definitely don’t give up your career for this!

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Childcare & nursery Families

mindjam · 03/05/2021 12:21

Afterschool club? Or any other extra curricular activities/clubs they can get to after school?

Does the 10yr old have a good friend they could call over to after school once a week?

Original poster

ToastAndCoffee · 03/05/2021 12:21

Dh doesn't want me to give up my new career. He is super supportive and picked up all the slack at home. He cooks every night and even on lates he has a meal left out for me. He is super proud of how well I have done and wants me to progress further. He does the school runs etc when I am on the alternate shifts, both some days. He sorts school stuff, home stuff and kids stuff, runs them around, all while wfh. I am not seeing it as MY problem per se, just i earn significantly less than him and we woudlnt be able to survive on just my wage!
We have never had to use childcare before, even when they were little as one of us was always around, so this is new territory for us.
Come.septmeber dd will be high school so the 'guilt' of her being a latch key wont be there as it is totally normal for secondary kids. This is literally for a few months and over the summer.
Plus dh just got called for jury duty so our one day a week plan wont work! I will have to take leave to cover that, right? Can dd walk both to and from school??
And can they be trusted to lock the house up?!

OP posts:

TokenGinger · 03/05/2021 12:21

I think you should have the teens take turns with the 10yo. My mum was a single parent and it was absolutely expected of me that I would pick up my brother from primary school on my way home from my school, and there'd be dinner prepared for me to microwave for him when we got home. It was fine.

Your career is just as important as your husband's. Don't give it up.

Original poster

ToastAndCoffee · 03/05/2021 12:23

After school care may work until the summer holidays, but she is also asd and hates it. She may well need to suck it up though. The problem with that is, it closes at 6, and we arent in until half six, seven.

OP posts:

Original poster

ToastAndCoffee · 03/05/2021 12:24

Teens cant do pick up as it is the opposite direction the their school. House is in the middle, dd goes east, teens go west. Plus timings. It is a four miles distance between the schools.

OP posts:

MimiSunshine · 03/05/2021 12:26

No you do not give up your career. You worked evenings before I presume to facilitate your husbands job and to be around for the children.

Now he has to work it out with his boss how he can be around for his children.

What I would say is stop trying to cover every eventuality for the next 8 years.

At the moment DH is WFH so no issue, he picks up the slack of making sure the 10yr old gets home (Who absolutely can get themselves home once in secondary, whether they hate it or not) and then he carries working after pick up if needs be.

When DH eventually goes back in the office one day a week you both agree a set day (as your boss has agreed) so you cover that after school and DH carries on being at home the other 4 days.

If / When DH boss wants more days in the office you both sort out needs at that point. That could be another couple of years away at which point the youngest may well be able to be trusted to have a few hours at home before either one of you are back.

Just focus on the immediate needs and deal with the rest as it comes up.

mindjam · 03/05/2021 12:26

You could do Afterschool (yes she will have to get on with that!) and then get teens to collect her and walk her home.

Original poster

ToastAndCoffee · 03/05/2021 12:26

So essentially they would meet in the middle at home. Dd has walked home, half way with a friend, but she doesnt like doing it alone. She has a phone and is sometimes left for quick trips tot he shops etc.
I suppose we could throw money at the teens to be there with threats of a nanny if it goes tits up?

OP posts:

Seeline · 03/05/2021 12:28

So Y6 can walk home and let herself in at 4.

Either you or DH will be in by 6/7?
What time will your older DCs usually be home?

Original poster

ToastAndCoffee · 03/05/2021 12:29

Older ones are home at around 3.30. 4.30/5 if in dt.

OP posts:

Seeline · 03/05/2021 12:30

Option until the end of primary might be to find an A level student to come after school and just stay until you get in. No exams this year, so probably won't have much else to do, and would appreciate a bit of extra money.

Seeline · 03/05/2021 12:32

I think a yr6 should be ok for that sort of time. They should ring you to let you know they are home safely, and should be able to contact either of you by phone in emergencies. What are your neighbours like? Willing to help in an emergency?

Sally872 · 03/05/2021 12:35

Do not quit your job. Hopefully original plan of dh mainly working from home goes ahead.

If not paid childcare has to be found, if not possible teens have to help. At 10 they don't have to do much for sibling just be around. It is not unreasonable to ask them to do this if needed. I would pay them for their time though.

Sally872 · 03/05/2021 12:37

Youngest may not like walking home from school but they can do it. And once they are used to it probably won't mind it much.

Seeline · 03/05/2021 12:39

Are your older ones Y11? If so surely they will be finishing school soon anyway?

Original poster

ToastAndCoffee · 03/05/2021 12:41

Do others ask 14/15 yr olds to babysit? Like pp said they dont need to do anything, just be present. Tbh they would all be on screens anyway

OP posts:

SkeletonSkins · 03/05/2021 12:46

Is this just one day a week to begin with?
If so I’d ask the teens to be watch her that one day. Wouldn’t be fair if every day but one day I think is reasonable. For getting home, you could prepay a taxi if it’s bad weather?

PlanDeRaccordement · 03/05/2021 12:47

No childcare is needed. 10yrs old perfectly capable of walking home from school and letting themselves in. Too, you said 10yo gets home around 4pm. The older teens between 3:30 and 5pm so she won’t always be home alone and even if she is, only for an hour maximum,

I would however, since your 10yo is nervous walking alone the last mile make sure that she can call one of the teens to hurry to her aid or meet and walk with her that last mile if something happens...like strange car following her or a classmate from school threatening to jump her on the way home. So the teens need to understand helping their sister if she calls is vitally important and they are to put social life on hold in an urgent situation like that.

BettyCarver · 03/05/2021 12:48

Pay a childminder for the youngest? It doesn’t matter that the teenagers don’t need child minding any more... just explain it’s not for them, it’s for the youngest.

I’m not a fan of assuming older siblings will provide regular babysitting… it may be that they’re happy to do it for money but tbh in that case why not find a childminder instead.

PlanDeRaccordement · 03/05/2021 12:48

@ToastAndCoffee

Do others ask 14/15 yr olds to babysit? Like pp said they dont need to do anything, just be present. Tbh they would all be on screens anyway

Yes absolutely. I started babysitting my own siblings at age 10 and for other families aged 12 (including newborns).

14/15 is definitely old enough to babysit a 10yr old!

PlanDeRaccordement · 03/05/2021 12:49

assuming older siblings will provide regular babysittin

That’s why you don’t assume. You tell them it’s their responsibility. And quite frankly one day a week from 3pm to 7pm is very little responsibility.

Seeline · 03/05/2021 12:53

I think it's difficult to rely on teens at this age. It means that they have to miss out on after school extra curricular activities. Is it just for the rest of this year? There may be extra catch up/revision lessons for GCSEs next year.
How much notice do you get for detentions?

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