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Original poster

Present after stillbirth

33 replies

madaki · 01/05/2021 06:35

My friend’s baby was still born. It was devastating- there are no words I can put to express that properly.
I know this isn’t the biggest issue right now but it’s something I can control so I hope for any advice:
I make knitted toys. I have made personalised toys for every child of a friend when they are born. I have made them for the older siblings of this child.
Should I still give one to this baby’s parents? Is that deeply insensitive or a nice way to show I’m still thinking of them all and acknowledging her birth?
I just don’t know?

OP posts:

LudoBear · 01/05/2021 06:37

Please do. Especially as the older children have had.

Notthisnotthat · 01/05/2021 06:38

I would, that would be so lovely.

MrPickles73 · 01/05/2021 06:38

Yes it would be very kind of you.

WeAllHaveWings · 01/05/2021 06:47

Such a difficult one, you know your friend best and how she is likely to respond. Maybe mention it when chatting to her to see how she feels about receiving the gift rather than sending/giving unexpectedly. She might really appreciate it but need some time before taking it.

imisscoffee · 01/05/2021 06:55

I would. It speaks volumes that you acknowledge this child in the same way as their siblings. With baby loss, what hurts more is that people pretend your dead child doesn't exist through fear of upsetting you. Your poor friend

Journeylikenomother · 01/05/2021 08:13

Definitely do. This gesture will be so so appreciated. My little girl was stillborn earlier this year. I've been so moved by kind gestures like this that recognise my baby as a baby and not some awful thing that's happened. I want to talk about my baby like any other new mother. I find it so hard and upsetting when people don't acknowledge my baby.
It's likely that your friend will have been given a memory box from the hospital and having other gifts like this to add to it will mean so much xx

HBGKC · 01/05/2021 08:15

I would, but perhaps not give it in person? Send it in the post/hand deliver it, but allow her space to open it and react in private.

ElderMillennial · 01/05/2021 08:17

My DD was stillborn at 40 weeks and people acknowledging her meant a lot to me and still means a lot to me. I would rather have the gift you'd given to every other child rather than missing this baby out.

Or you could speak to her and say you wanted to make the toy like you had for the other children but if there's something else she'd prefer (or nothing at all) then to let you know.

Isadora2007 · 01/05/2021 08:18

Oh yes. Please do. Such a lovely gift and as others have said, bereaved parents are often treated as if their baby didn’t exist for “fear of upsetting” them. But it’s not like they might forget they had a baby who died just because people stop talking about it. So they need others to acknowledge and allow the parents to talk about their beloved child as and when they wish to.

Sexnotgender · 01/05/2021 08:26

God how awful. I can’t imagine the pain, I’ve just had a baby and still birth was my biggest fear.
I’d say yes to the present. You know her best though.

Sexnotgender · 01/05/2021 08:27

I’m so so sorry for your losses @ElderMillennial and @Journeylikenomother

81Byerley · 01/05/2021 08:52

My daughter used to make framed pictures with the child's birthdate, weight, etc.. When her friend's son was stillborn, she still made one for him. Her friend cried and said that some people were afraid to mention her baby, took my daughter up to see the lovely little nursery they had prepared for him, and put the picture on the wall straight away.
Your friend's little girl is still her daughter, I think you should still make the doll. That baby is as precious as any other.

threestars · 01/05/2021 08:52

Definitely do. When my son was stillborn early, my friend sent me the blanket she had been knitting for him. It was only half finished - it still means a lot to me, 11 years later.

threestars · 01/05/2021 08:57

She let me know she was sending it in advance, and I would recommend doing that.

MusicWithRocksIn1t · 01/05/2021 08:58

I'd say yes it acknowledges that their baby was born

ElderMillennial · 01/05/2021 09:02

Thank you @Sexnotgender

to anyone else who has lost a baby

Shefliesonherownwings · 01/05/2021 09:06

@ElderMillennial

Or you could speak to her and say you wanted to make the toy like you had for the other children but if there's something else she'd prefer (or nothing at all) then to let you know.

My DD was stillborn at 41 months and I agree wholeheartedly with what @ElderMillennial says.

I would definitely speak to her first so she knows it will be arriving. It gives me so much comfort when people acknowledge my DD, but check with her first.

Shefliesonherownwings · 01/05/2021 09:11

41 weeks not months

MindyStClaire · 01/05/2021 09:12

That's lovely OP. No experience, but I'd wrap it in a lovely box or bag and tell her what it is so she can choose to open it later in a private moment if she'd prefer.

Canvasphoto · 01/05/2021 09:19

Yes I would, a friend had a still born they said the worst part was people not acknowledging them as a real person. I sent a frame with their name / birth weight and a poem as present.

Just give them a heads up you are sending it or dropping it off etc

AC12reject · 01/05/2021 09:20

Please do. The loss of a child is so lonely and to know someone is thinking of you, and that baby is so reassuring.
That is lovely.

Roodicus21 · 01/05/2021 10:23

I would it's a lovely idea.

Lillygolightly · 01/05/2021 10:26

Please do!

Having friends and people acknowledge my son has meant the world to me.

RedPandaFluff · 01/05/2021 13:36

I think it would be a lovely thing to do, @madaki.

minniemomo · 01/05/2021 13:38

Yes, please do, acknowledging the situation is so important when do many people actively avoid mentioning it

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