I just can't get over it

[purplepenguin91]

I nearly died over Christmas (nothing to do with Covid). I collapsed at home and stopped breathing. I was found by my DH and he got me breathing and called an ambulance. I was in hospital for 2 weeks in the acute ward and had a few surgeries.

I am pretty much fine now but still have to see a specialist for a while to monitor everything. But I just can't get over it. I think the main issue is I can't really talk about it. Due to Covid I couldn't have any visitors while in hospital so the majority of my family and friends feel very removed from the whole thing as they didn't really experience it. My DH is struggling with it as obviously it was incredibly hard on him so I don't like to add to it. We've talked about it from his POV but not really mine apart from in a lighthearted way. That's another problem when I talk about it I don't want to worry anyone so I always talk about it lightheartedly or make a joke.

My friends and family do care but most of the updates they got while in hospital were after I had come out of a surgery and was doing better. Never purplepenguin has crashed and is in ICU with the team struggling to stablise her. So they never really had any particular peril or fear. Whereas my DH and my parents knew everything but because they found it so hard I don't feel I can talk to them.

I don't really know what I want out of writing this. I guess I just want to know how long I'm going to feel like this? I just feel depressed and sort of alone. I need something to get me past it

Wow. You are bound to feel shocked and scared and depressed. It’s a huge thing to have gone through. I would suggest counselling. I would imagine you have PTSD. You went through a completely shocking trauma.

You might have a form of PTSD. Speak to your GP, they might have ideas (counselling?)
You poor thing it sounds very traumatic.

Speak to your GP about counselling or see if there are any support groups available, you need to talk about it.

I had a similar incident a few years ago and came out of hospital feeling traumatised for a very long while.

Not only has your body undergone huge stress your mind has been subjected to shock and coping with things you have never experienced before.

Those feelings of feeling frightened and fearing the future won’t just go away overnight and often take longer to heal than your physical problems.

Writing down your feelings is a good way to express your emotions and gradually over time you will find it gets easier.

You have gone through a tremendous ordeal so your feelings are absolutely justified and valid.

You need some counseling.

A safe place to talk it through. As you talk it through with a safe person and explore the feelings etc, you will start to be able to get past it.

Maybe your friends and family are worried to ask you about what is a hugely traumatic experience? I'm glad you are physically much better but I think it would help you to talk openly to someone. If talking to friends and family feels too overwhelming, perhaps a counsellor or support group. I had counselling myself and it really did help. I think keeping it all to yourself is mentally exhausting.

What you are experiencing is completely normal, have you spoken to your doctor to see if you can access some form of counselling?

I would also say - do you usually talk about stuff with your parents? if so, then the conversation would probably be very beneficial to both of you. I expect you parents are feeling the same way, they had a similar shock and are now trying to support you and be all positive.

Maybe ask to come and talk and say you want to talk about when you were in hospital to give them a heads up.

Oh my goodness. I'm not surprised you aren't over it. That's a hugely stressful and traumatic experience to go through. I can completely understand why it's hard to talk to your DH and family about it, but I agree with PP please think about getting some counselling to help you.

Does your acute ward offer a follow up service? They can assess you for ptsd and organise counselling.

Therapist here. If you decide to go for counselling (which would be helpful in enabling you to talk about and to process what happened to you, I think), then look for someone who has done some specific trauma training. It's very normal to feel like you do after something like this happens.

I don't know if I want to talk to someone. One minute I do, the next minute I don't. I've never been to counseling. Does it really help? What happens in a session?

How do I know if I have PTSD? That sounds quite extreme, I feel more like I'm sad. There's also lots of other stresses going on which aren't helping but are all normal life stuff

You need to talk to someone OP, it sounds to me like you need to process what happened to you and I believe in the idea that talking helps you do that. Whether you go the professional route with counselling or open up to friends/family is up to you but I really think you need to talk through what happened to you.

How sure are you that DH wouldn't handle it well? Obviously you know him best but if it's just you not wanting to burden him that's stopping you talking to him maybe open a conversation by telling him what you've told us and that you think you need to talk to someone, see if he suggests you talk to him? In some ways he would be the best person because he went through at least some of what happened with you so has some conception of what you went through and how terrifying it was.

Anyone would be traumatised by what happened to you, sending you and a massive hug in the hope it makes you feel a little less alone.

What an awful experience.

In terms of counselling it is really incredibly helpful to be able to speak to another person without having to filter their feelings and reactions into what you say.
It can take time to open up, there’s no need to rush it, but hearing yourself speak out loud is a completely different experience to having thoughts rattle round your head.

You can even speak about it several times in different ways. And you have a safe place to really feel the feelings that come up, instead of clamping them down as we often have to day-to-day.

If you’ve never tried counselling it must be daunting to think of doing this whole new strange thing, particularly when your band width is taken up with carrying this immense trauma around. But I would strongly encourage you to give it a go.

Counselling can be very helpful. The counsellor is trained to listen to you and help you come to terms with the things that are happening in your life. She/he won’t be affected by what you say and it is entirely confidential. You don’t need to hold back or worry about her/his feelings or be light hearted to protect her/him. Also , counsellors come in many flavours, your gp is likely to only be able to put you on the waiting list to see very basically trained cbt person who will teach you how not to dwell and move through negative thought spirals, which can be helpful to some people. But if you would like someone to listen to you while you talk about how your traumatic time has affected you, then it’s probs best to go private. Most therapists offer a free twenty minute intro session to see if you can work with them. I would say go for it and get the help you need.

That sounds so scary and traumatic.

PTSD is a specific mental health condition with specific symptoms, in particular flashbacks (eg you hear something beeping and suddenly feel like you’re back in ICU), nightmares and so on. Have a look on the MIND or NHS websites. There is a type of therapy called EMDR which is apparently very helpful - and does not involve actually talking about the trauma.

Even if you don’t have PTSD, that is still a lot to process, especially if you’ve been left with life-changing or ongoing medical issues. Feeling sad, angry, irritable, tearful, etc, would all seem totally normal. You absolutely need to talk about this as part of processing it and coming to terms with what happened.

You might want to consider the possibility of PTSD before deciding how to approach getting some help as it should flag up a specific treatment pathway. But regardless, I really hope you can access some help.

I would think about counselling. You will likely feel better as time goes on and you have more distance from what would have been a hugely traumatic experience, but counselling may help you get there more easily and more fully, especially if you see someone who is experienced in that area. Start with a conversation with a GP who you know won't dismiss you and take it from there.

@Chatanooga1

I had a similar incident a few years ago and came out of hospital feeling traumatised for a very long while.

Not only has your body undergone huge stress your mind has been subjected to shock and coping with things you have never experienced before.

Those feelings of feeling frightened and fearing the future won’t just go away overnight and often take longer to heal than your physical problems.

Writing down your feelings is a good way to express your emotions and gradually over time you will find it gets easier.

You have gone through a tremendous ordeal so your feelings are absolutely justified and valid.

I'm sorry to hear you went through that. How long did it take for you to feel 'over it'?

To answer your question, yes, talking does help, it helps you to process what's happened to you. But as I said, it's important to find someone specifically trained in trauma, who understands it and the effects on the brain, who won't lush you to talk about things you're not ready to, who will let you go at your own pace, who will be able to "contain" what you say to them and make sure you stay within your own "window of tolerance".

As to what happens within a session, it depends very much on the therapist and how they work. It's worth contacting a few and having a conversation with them in which you can ask these questions and get a feel for them, make sure you feel comfortable with them.