I don't think I'm ok...

[cupsandsaucerz]

I just don't know what to do anymore.

I just feel like I'm not coping. Something terrible happened to me a year ago and it feels like the pain is never ever ever going to go away.

Everyday just feels crap. I spend half of my time upset and the rest of my time feeling guilty for being ok and dare I say happy.

I'm terrified to tell anyone in case they think I can't cope. I have children and I'm so scared people will think I can't be their mother because I feel sad....

I'm so sorry. I don't have any specific advice but couldn't read and run. Have you got support and someone to talk to in real life? Have you had any counselling after the terrible thing?

Have you talked to anybody about what happened to you?

Hi cupsandsaucerz. You've made the first step in asking for help, well done you, that's such a hard thing to do, many people don't realise how difficult it is to actually do this.

Have you told anyone in RL what happened?

I don't know what to say other than my thoughts are with you.

And whatever it is there are people who will care and can help.

You can be a great mother while being sad. There's absolutely nothing in your post that suggests you aren't a great mother.
But maybe you're not great at looking after yourself? Do you think that some professional support will help you to open up about the terrible event and work out how to process it? Talking really is such a tonic.

Thank you everyone and sorry for not replying.

It's strange. Since this post I've had some really positive days and have felt fine. But I know a bad day will be around the corner and I'll feel incredibly down again.

I find it hard to talk about it because I feel like a broken record and my H and I are dealing with it differently. I like to talk, he doesn't.

I'm sorry for being so vague. I just want to be happy again. My children are the centre of my world and I'm too scared to admit I'm not ok to my GP for example, in case that reflects badly on my parenting

Are your children being seriously neglected or abused or otherwise at risk due to how you are feeling?
No? Well go to GP and ask for help for yourself.
Yes? Well go to GP and ask for help for yourself and your children.
From the sounds of your post, you aren't doing well without asking for help, so ask for help. There is no shame in saying you are struggling.

I reached breaking point last Sept and now have private counselling weekly, it is helping me a lot.

As you seem to be worrying about it, social services do not want to take children into care, it is a lot of paperwork and expensive and it is a last resort not a first one.

I could have written your post a year ago OP I had the same worries about getting help for myself but trust me it's the best thing I have ever done.

I went to the GP who referred to to CBT and I take medication, I went and was so honest in how I was feeling and there was no judgement just support for myself and my mental health.

My children were living with a sad Mum all the time and honestly are my everything that's kept me going, if they are sad we comfort them, don't neglect your own feelings and needs. It's about helping you, they know your children are loved and I even admitted that without them I wouldn't be here.

Please don't be afraid to ask for help.

OP I’ve been a GP for 16 years and in that time must have seen and treated hundreds of mothers who are sad/depressed/anxious etc. I have never in all that time referred one of them to social services for that reason. This is not what we do. We refer families who are being neglected or abused, not those whose mothers are sad.

Please see your GP and ask for help.

This is exactly how I feel sometimes - if I didn't have them I don't think I would be here on this planet anymore.

I'm just so confused as some days I feel great and feel like I'd be wasting everyone's time. It just takes one trigger and it sets me off but I try so hard to hold it all in.

Thank you for your advice everyone

On the GP point, I took one of my children for something unrelated yesterday and I had a total meltdown when I was there. She was lovely and has asked me to see her again in two weeks to have a "chat"

That sounds good OP. Please go to that appointment and tell her how you’ve been feeling. It might help to keep a diary between now and then to give both of you an idea of the good and bad days you’re having. It can be difficult to remember how bad the bad days are when you’re having a good one, and it’s easy to minimise.

You will not be wasting her time. Please go, and let her help you to feel better.

Doesn’t need to be a big diary - just jottings of how you feel each day.

You say something terrible happened to you a year ago and you feel the pain won't for away... it's clear that you are still adversely affected by whatever happened to you. Sometimes people need help getting over trauma, be it something someone has done or that you've witnessed, or even physical ill health. You could have some sort of PTSD, or the likes, and I really think you'd benefit from seeing a psychotherapist to help you live more freely again.

Agree, a diary really helps.

I've been keeping a diary on DD for over a year (anxiety & depression - which is what caused me to struggle). I can really look back now and see how far she has come in small ways, even though to the outside there might not appear to be much changed.

When she or I have a bad day I can look back and it gives me hope.

You’re not a bad person- a bad thing happened to you.

If it was a specific trauma that happened, I can recommend EMDR. It really worked for me within a few sessions for PTSD I’d had for years x

Thank you everyone. My GP has referred me to a neonatal mental health counsellor. Just scared I'm wasting their time as this isn't a constant feeling...

That's smashing OP. I'm really pleased.

Don't feel you're wasting anyone's time. They are there to help people who need it. Which is you.

Thank you - I'm not going to tell my husband about it. I'm just going to do this thing myself and hopefully come out of it at the other end. I think I've done a good job of hiding it so far. I'm not even sure how counselling works, how often etc?

@cupsandsaucerz I'm really not sure it's a good idea to keep this from your husband.

You'd surely expect him to tell you if he was struggling so that you could support him? Well let him support you. That's what marriage is all about - being there for each other.

You will find your strength quicker and easier if you know your husband is with you.

In any case, you'll always find support from MN when you need it. There a lot of wonderful people who are great at listening. Keep talking, it's such a brilliant way to clarify your thoughts.

@Gazelda I think this is what I find so hard. He never talks about our son whereas I want to mention his name everyday so I feel like telling him this is pointless as I'm not sure how much he'd care.

I can't even talk about it to other people as it makes people feel awkward and they don't know what to say. I just can't believe it's us in this position. We've had another baby since we lost him and I'm absolutely terrified something will happen to this one. I don't want anyone to touch him or anything. It's so hard

I'm so sorry you lost your son. That must be so hard, and overwhelming.

I don't know your DH, but if he is a good man, and has a heart, I'm sure that he is grieving too. He is grieving differently to you. It might help you both to talk about your terrible loss and to understand how the other is coping day to day.