I growled/shouted at my 20m old and feel horrific thinking about it

[Overcomewithguilt]

Last night, well 4am, my 20month old woke up for the second time and I was so tired my husband asked if he should bring him through for a feed in our bed. Usually I go to sons rooms and feed him on a sofa except for the morning feed which he comes through for.
So I said yes and DS had his feed although I did cut it short a bit because I'm pregnant and BF my nipples feel like a razor has been over them.
Because I cut the feed short my son then sat upright and I think he thought it was time to get up. When DH took him back to the cot he was screaming his head off. DH never does any bedtime stuff so obviously DS was not happy it wasn't me putting him back. I had to go through in the end as DS's cries were just escalating he was going to get into a right state. I managed to get him down although he was still lightly sleeping. Went back to bed and after 5 mins DS cried again. Went through and patted, held hand etc but he was wanting to stand and me pick him up etc. Got him back down again and then within 5 mins he was up crying again. This time DH went through and the crying just intensified. It was coming through the monitor with a slight delay so it was like hearing double the crying.
I just got up and snapped I felt so angry. I walked into the room and said I'd had enough and went over to the cot and kind of growled whilst shouting "NO, you need to sleep now!" DH was like "woah!" And I told him to get out. DS got a fright and kind of ran towards me in his cot for comfort but he was kind of frozen when I was holding him. I did then kiss him and sing some lullabies and he fell asleep. We then all woke up late because this whole thing had lasted 1.5hours. I went to wake DS up in the morning and he was all smiles and fine but honestly I feel absolutely horrendous for making him scared. He quietened right down as soon as a growled :( poor boy.
I just fucking hate BF I want to stop but he gets Ill or is teething so it just hasn't happened yet. And I also hate the fact my DH was always against doing any kind of sleep training and yet it's me the lemon dealing with it every night and staying beside the cot for half an hour at bedtime for DS to fall asleep. And I'm knackered too. Don't know why I'm posting but I need to get it off my chest and I just feel miserable about it all.

Ok firstly, don’t feel bad. Your knackered, pregnant , doing everything.
Your LO won’t remember it.
But I will say you snapping should make your DH you can’t do everything and need help.
He needs to be involved in getting him down etc.
He’s against you sleep training yet he doesn’t help you and give you a break.
If he can’t/won’t help you, you start the sleep training if you want to.

When do you plan to stop ? Pregnancy can cause bf aversion. I stopped at 24 month first time as I was pregnant.

I have a 18 month old now and she wakes a lot still. From about 18 months DS didn't night wake, but woke at 5am for feed and would normally go back to sleep. I'm hoping for the dropping of night feeds with DD ASAP and plan to stop feeding all together again at 2 years 😬

Do not feel bad! You're pregnancy, breastfeeding and sleep deprived all at the same time so you are going to have your limits and last night you reached it. Hopefully this will make your DH see how tired you are as well. Your ds won't remember and you said yourself he was fine this morning.

I have a 5 year gap between mine, didn't breastfeed either and still lost my shit due to lack of sleep. Don't beat yourself up

You will barely remember this this time next year and it's certainly not going to change the way DS sees you. I'm willing to bet the vast majority of us have done and felt the exact same at some point. Hope it gets easier very soon.

Be kind to yourself. You are pregnant and exhausted! Everyone has bad days / snaps particularly in difficult situations.

I nursed through my pregnancy but had to night wean and shorten feeds (count down from 10) due to pain. That way the one or two daily feeds were actually enjoyable and manageable for us both. Might this be something to explore? You sound like maybe you want to stop feeding completely? That’s completely valid, it sounds like you’ve done so well feeding for so long. Breastfeeding is a relationship and it has to work for both of you. Xxx

You need to be a lot kinder to yourself and stop the breastfeeding because it's making your life miserable. Go cold turkey and your husband will have to deal with him for the next few nights until it blows over, which it will.

It is not solely your husband's decision over sleep training. That needs to be a proper discussion. If you dont hit this on the head, you're going to struggle massively when you've got a newborn.

It's time for your husband to accept that he was wrong, and it is time to sleep train. I've never understood the idea if standing beside the cot swaying and holding hands for hours on end so I'm probably very harsh about this. People do things differently but it gets to a point were you're just coddling and you need to be a bit tougher.

How are you feeling about breastfeeding? If it's making you uncomfortable then weaning is an option. You've done a great job to feed till 20 months. It's great to keep going but it's also great to start weaning off it. Do what's best for you, your body and your growing family. Your husband doesnt get a say in that.

Thank you for your reply.
I did say to DH last night for months and months I have told you how I feel about BF and sleep and yet you've done nothing. I said you can't even get your ds to sleep. He said "because he just wants you". I said yes because you do NOTHING to get him down, ever. He just stayed quiet.
DH does do loads for us in the household and as a father (as he should) it's just the sleep thing is a huge bone if contention for me. I said the only times we have ever seen any kind of progress sleep-wise is when I've tried some kind of technique (but if doesn't last because DS was getting colds and teething really affects him so we always go back to square one again). He puts himself down to sleep at nursery but at night with me he's singing and faffing about in the cot. Occasionally he just stops and focuses on sleeping and other times I have to kinda put on a stern voice so he knows play time is over and I'm serious it's his bedtime. He throws any comforter out the cot and puts his hand through the bars reaching for my hand so I take it and then he curls up and sleeps. So clearly he is very attached to me.
DH annoyed me yesterday after I got DS down at night saying should we think about taking the side of the cot off. I said it's the worst possible idea I've ever heard! DS doesn't try to escape or climb over the cot, why would we do that? He said because he puts himself down at nursery. I said if we left Ds to put himself to bed at night he'd be up past 10pm! And it'd be me taking him back to the cot every time he got up. Honestly DH living in a Dreamworld there. I couldnt believe it when he suggested it and even worse since he never does the bedtime routine!!

@IFionlyhadbrains

When do you plan to stop ? Pregnancy can cause bf aversion. I stopped at 24 month first time as I was pregnant.

I have a 18 month old now and she wakes a lot still. From about 18 months DS didn't night wake, but woke at 5am for feed and would normally go back to sleep. I'm hoping for the dropping of night feeds with DD ASAP and plan to stop feeding all together again at 2 years 😬

Plan to stop asap when his next teeth stop coming through. They've been bothering him for two weeks now, his teeth take ages to come in. I wouldn't mind once a night but twice I think is just habit really. He has Weetabix and cosy cow milk at bed time as well as a feed off me. I have always hated BF but I persevered to do it as I thought it was best

It happens and I would be very surprised if anyone on here could in all honesty say that they've never snapped at their kids. It feels horrible when you do it but the exhaustion of sleepless nights and pregnancy is like no other. (I have multiple health problems which come with chronic fatigue but that baby lack of sleep still tops it for awfulness!!) ... Don't worry, your DS won't remember and you really couldn't help it !

Oh god I'm feeling so emotional reading all these replies. I expected to get a bashing but every one is being so kind.
Yes I definitely want to stop and i know I'll have to go cold turkey but I do want to wait until DS is 100% himself. He kinda has a cold and BF helps unblock his nose too.

The feeding has reduced a little recently he used to wake up four times a night and now it's "just" two times plus a feed before bed and on the morning. He is in nursery/childcare 5 days a week so that's helped reduce too but at weekends I'd say he feeds an additional once or twice. But yeh, deffo looking to stop that.

And I think I'm being hard on myself because I feel I should be the one person DS can rely on not to scare him. I'm his mum and I shouldn't have scared him :(

@themalamander re this It is not solely your husband's decision over sleep training. That needs to be a proper discussion. If you dont hit this on the head, you're going to struggle massively when you've got a newborn
Yes I know but he was so against letting DS cry and us not respond to him asap I didn't know how I can disagree with it if he was so against it!

You're not doing anything wrong. We've all snapped. We've all raised our voices at our toddlers. You havent dont any damage here. Really; you dont need to carry this with you beyond last night. It happened once, it's over. You're all fine.

You're a mum, but you're also still you. A person with your own needs and when we have kids, we stretch ourselves to the limit of what a person can take with putting their needs first, doing everything the best way for them. You're going to be doing that for a very long time so it is absolutely ok for you to sometimes feel like you need to take a step back, change little ways you do things, or make decisions even if your husband feels differently because it's what you need to keep being the best mum.

It's all a balancing act; make a few choices to make yourself feel happier and you wont find yourself snapping again, and that makes baby happier.

Don't feel bad. Time for your DH to step up and build his relationship with DS, including settling him to sleep.

Honestly there is no shame in hating breastfeeding. Will you consider formula for the second baby.

I think I'm going to BF initially and then maybe express for a bit and see how I get on with that. I do feel bad though if I gave one child milk for 20months and then the other for 6m. Honestly being a mum is just a load of guilt!
I actually really struggled to bf my son initially but I was so determined that after a month he properly got the hang of it and then refused the bottles and has refused them ever since. O think if baby number 2 struggles I'm not going to put myself through it all again and either express or use formula. I really feel BF had a negative impact on me as a mother, ironically...

Ypu aren't a bad mum, most parents have had moments where we have shouted at them. Sleep deprivation is horrendous and even worse when you are pregnant. Talk to your health visitor about how to wean him off breastfeeding before bed when you are ready and then maybe once that is sorted look at some form of sleep training. It will be hard initially but he will get there in the end.

Going forward you have already said your dh does a lot for you as a family but he needs to be more hands on physically with his children and having a full time/demanding job is no excuse. Only then will he really understand or appreciate what you are going through. You need to sit down and have a proper conversation about it because you will soon have two to take care of and that is a lot harder than one. Also re breastfeeding don't put yourself under more pressure than you need to, if you enjoy it and your new baby takes to it well then fab if it doesn't, consider the fact that you will have another child to take care of too so won't be able to sit cluster feeding for ages unless you have help. If it doesn't work out or is too much of a struggle for you then there is another option. Parenting isn't guilt free at any stage but when I had my ds and I had a small age gap I did whatever was easy for me to keep them both clean, fed and happy and me sane. X

Aww OP you sound incredibly patient to me actually!

This isolated incIdent won’t have done him any harm, OP.

Ignore your husband’s views on sleep training until and if he takes an equal role in managing your son’s sleep routine.
You do need to be firmer with both of them, and don’t buy into mum guilt. You don’t get any medals for martyrdom.

It won’t be long until there is another baby in the mix and you need to get this issue cracked before then, if you can.

Good luck, and don’t stand for any nonsense, from either of them! 😀

Having bf through 2 pregnancies and done tandem feeding I totally understand how you feel.

I'd strongly recommend night weaning (which may resolve the sleep issues). Please do some reading about gentle weaning though and don't try to go cold turkey. It could cause physical problems for you and is likely to be distressing for your dc. There's a couple of good Facebook groups for women struggling with nursing aversion- hats off to you trying to feed through it.

I tandem fed Ds1&2 because they were only 16m apart but I developed terrible nursing aversion towards Ds1 and I hated it. Ds2 was 28m when I got pregnant with DS3 and I weaned him gradually so didn't have to tandem feed again. It worked really well and I'm pleased I had a break. It took 3m to wean but I could have done it quicker without it making a difference to him I think.

DH is really hands on he gets uoboth weekend days and let's me lay in until I get up around 9-9.30 he's not getting a lay in any day of the week. He takes our son out to the park during that time, gets him changed and brekkie and all that jazz. I'd say he plays Alot with him does the dinners etc but I always feel like the harder parenting stuff is down to me so I will definitely speak to him about it.
Actually tonight for winding down time he got books out and got DS on his knees to read them before bed which is something I always do so that's a start. He did that off his own back so he definitely knows there's things he can do to change.

@User0ne I did look at gentle weaning things such as timings feeds then reducing but honestly I'm so tired I can't count and don't want to use my phone in case the light wakes up DS. I also think DS will become confused if I feed at some times but not others (I do need to do more research though) I just have a feeling he will respond more to cold turkey.
Although weirdly tonight before bed I asked if he wanted mummy milk and he shook his head no. So gone down without it, let's see how long he lasts