Experiences of talking about your mental health?

[littlepieces]

It's great that everyone's talking about mental health awareness, and trying to be more understanding towards people experiencing issues. But the media etc would have us all believe that it's now perfectly OK to admit to having MH problems, and expect the response to be kind and supportive. I think the reality is still very different.

What are your experiences of telling partners, friends, and work about MH issues? It was a long time ago now, but one of my best friends of 6+ years never spoke to me again after I told her I had depression. And a week later, everyone in my sixth form college knew. It's put me off ever talking about it to another soul as long as I live.

I find all of the "talk about it" an irritating sham

I've seen people be treated badly at work when they've disclosed it

I've had one "friend" who seemed to disapprove of it but she turned out to be horrible full stop.

When my dad died, I felt I had to disclose it to some of mum's friends because they would do things like call me while I was on the journey home and say "I know you just left but your mum is crying again".

Lots of them said I ought to move in with her.

Eventually I thought it was worth the risk of telling them so they realised I couldn't hold her hand emotionally for the rest of my life!

I have Schizoaffective disorder & take high dose anti psychotics which has definitely got a stigma attached and I'm very very careful who I tell.

Told my mum this afternoon I'd had enough and didn't want to be here any more. She told me to stop being silly.

@SloeSummer Yes I agree it's a sham.

These campaigns are centred around the more palatable side of feeling a bit anxious or down and suggest that by talking about it and getting 'support' you'll get through it. But opening up about long term, serious mental illness is a different ball game.

I had one friend walk away around the time I was diagnosed with bipolar but in general I find being open about it doesn't harm me and might just help somebody else.

I used to work for an NHS mental health trust. Senior management told me “off the record” if I took sick leave for depression (I was suicidal) it’d be seen as a sign of weakness.

So sorry some of you have had these experiences. I have anxiety and tend to just say stuff in passing and only go into depth with the people in my life who needs to know.

I did a placement once and when I told the manager about my anxiety triggers she demanded to know why she hadn't been informed earlier and questioned my ability to do the job.

@LudoBear are you ok? That's what my mum would say to me as well.

When I told my dh I was feeling depressed and suicidal he said that he wasn't a mental health worker and couldn't be expected to deal with that kind of thing.

Agree with PP, all the awareness campaigns and 'talk about it' social media posts seem to be aimed at the type of issue that can be solved with a walk in a the forest and a couple of days of self-care.
Serious mental illness, even serious depression, still scares a lot of people and what's worse is that the actual help out there (particularly for children) is practically non-existent.

I think so many people are talking about it now, and self diagnosing that telling people you have mh issues means they assume you're making it up.
So you get a combination of "pull yourself together and don't be silly" and "oh well I've got anxiety too. I felt really bad when I had a job interview last week but I got over it with some deep breathing".
Jolly good. It takes medication and another person for me to even leave my house. And the relief when I get home normally means my body relaxes so much that I get diarrhoea. So a few deep breath ain't gonna cut it!

I don't even mention the disassociation, intrusive thoughts and suicidal ideation to most people. It would probably scare them away for ever.

I tried to kill myself as a teen and my mum told me to stop being silly and I’d get over it. Then she cried because how could I do this to HER, and SHE found it very upsetting that I wanted to die. Then after that she told me to shut up and not to tell her my feelings any more because she found it upsetting. I tried to kill myself again as a new mum in 2018 and got the same response, so I guess it had nothing to do with the era and that’s just how she behaves.

I find it similar to inclusion and diversity - most people talk a good game but in reality they just want old white men on the board.

Mental health? Oh yes, it's good to talk about it etc but in reality we just want hard working resilience.

@Susannahmoody

I find it similar to inclusion and diversity - most people talk a good game but in reality they just want old white men on the board.

Mental health? Oh yes, it's good to talk about it etc but in reality we just want hard working resilience.

This.

I disclosed how tired I was to my boss on Monday (I'm in a role that has meant I've been in crisis mode for over a year now due to the pandemic) and how I want a break. He suggested I take a couple of days off.

Ariannah I've had similar from my mum in my 20s, although she did help me get an appointment with a psychiatrist through my parents health insurance. She cried at me about it many times, didn't want to hear about my feelings, wouldnt come with me to the appointment or the first session of a yoga class. I was seriously depressed, suicidal and very anxious. This was the only practical thing I asked for. I didn't ask again and couldn't bring myself to go alone the first time, so didn't go.

However, I've had good experiences with friends and with work. People can be very supportive and kind if you give the the chance.

I had worse experiences volunteering, with other volunteers and organisers. E.g. I was asked to provide a Drs note saying I wouldn't hurt the children. It was to be a reading volunteer at a school. Apparently a DBS check and a fit note wouldn't be enough! Plus the fact I used to be a TA and my Dr had suggested it also weren't relevant. I'd been diagnosed with anxiety and depression and had never been considered a risk to anyone else. That one hurt.

I also had a not great experience at the dentist. I disclosed it on the form they give you, because for me depression affected my selfcare, I was very anxious about the appointment and the medication I was taking affected your saliva and in an indirect way your teeth. They told me the form was only meant for serious health problems. When I told them I nearly died from my depression and suicide is a major cause of death and ill health they were very defensive.

@LudoBear I’m sorry to hear this. There are others you can speak to. Have you tried the Samaritans?

I’ve mostly had quite negative experiences, sadly, and completely agree with PP who’ve said that they think the ‘it’s good to talk’ mantra is aimed at maintaining mental health rather than actual mental illness. Not the same thing. There’s also this recovery story arc that you see all the time - ‘I had depression and I did xyz and now I’m all better! Yay!’ Whereas for a lot of us, it’s a condition that we have to manage all our lives and this sort of story just adds to the internalised stigma.

I think the reality is many people aren’t equipped to talk about significant mental health issues, and many people have no idea just how much mental ill health impacts daily living. That combined with all the superficial messages about meditation, self care, being out in nature etc leads folk to think you just need to go for a long walk/take up running/develop mindfulness practice and you’ll be fine. While those things can be helpful, very often people can’t get themselves dressed much less out the door for a walk when their mental health isn’t good but the insistence that “if you just tried” is very frustrating to hear and can feel very blaming.

I’m very selective about who I’ll talk to about how I’m feeling, most people who know me would never know I’ve struggled with my mental health because I keep that part of me for the people I know get it.

So what advice can you give a parent? DS17 came to me last night saying he was depressed and has self harmed ? He has a telephone conversation with the Doctor this morning- I don't want to be the - let's go for a walk / exercise type mother - or make it about me - I realise I can't fix this - but equally is there anything I can do to help?

Hi all,
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources.
You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

I went to the GP, who shrugged and gave me a prescription for antidepressants. Two years later I tried to kill myself and they referred me to a counsellor who saw me only twice; her only advice was to go outside and get some exercise. Then I was discharged despite not feeling any better.

Of course, that was better than the response I got as a 12 year old. My mum took me to the GP with depression and he called social services, who immediately said they would take me away to live in a secure unit and receive therapy and medication. I was terrified. So of course my mum said “they’re going to lock you up, shut up about it and act like you’re cured”. Which is what I had to do. This led to a lifelong fear of letting anyone in authority know what was going on in my head, because I was afraid of what they’d do to me. With the result that when I was raped at 19 I was too afraid to report it, because I was suffering a mental breakdown and I was afraid if they found out I was suffering from mental health issues they’d threaten to lock me up again.

I told one friend about my mental health struggles and she fobbed it off, she basically told me she didn't approve of ADs and that they weren't needed. I haven't been able to see her in the same light again, they've been lifesaving for me.

After that experience, and I was very hesitant to share anyway, I haven't told anyone else apart from very close family who are not judgemental. There's no in way in hell I'd tell colleagues in work and my DH also thinks this is a wise decision. He's very supportive.

Sadly, the stigma around mental health is very much alive and well.

Definitely not taken seriously. My family played top trumps re. who had it worse in life - consensus that one or two of them had more reason than me to attempt suicide but they didn't - like I did. Minimising of my problems and definite shame re. seeking help.

I've never not struggled with my mental health, TBH, and the few times I've disclosed I've been treated appallingly. Workplaces talk the good talk but I've definitely been managed out of a couple of places after being honest about my anxiety, burnouts, etc. Even my recent ADHD diagnosis isn't being taken on board.

@RaelImperialAerosolKid - listen to him, don't compare, don't tell him things like other people have it worse, etc. Just listen without prejudice. Best of luck to you both.