Talking to kids about "issues"

[ilkleymoorbartat]

I was thinking today about how my mum spoke to me about big subjects like drugs, teen pregnancy, drinking etc. Her approach was to go i hard with the scare tactics and drum it in regularly. She was very supportive of me though and loved me unconditionally.

TBf this approach worked whilst I was at school, but it all went to pot (literally) when I went to university. I also hid a lot from her because I was worried about judgment. I got pregnant at university and had a termination without telling her. I know she'd be heartbroken about the fact that I felt like I couldn't go to her, but it was as a result of the fear.

My kids are getting older and I feel myself lecturing them over things, and reallly really don't want to take the same approach as my mum. It's driven through worry that your message isn't going in.

So how do you talk to them about these things, and manage to get the message in, but not lecture them, and allwhilst also keeping the lines of communication open in case anything does ever happen??

Bumping for the evening crowd

Watching with interest. I have the same concerns and feel like by talking about these issues my DD feels like I will judge her. Interested to know if anyone has managed this and kept the lines of communication open.

I tell my kids the facts and tell them they can make their own choices but may live to regret wrong ones. They ask about stuff and I give brutally honest answers. But I steer clear of lecturing. e.g. if they ask about teen suicide, drugs etc

It's not so much lecturing them, as discussing when things come up, but watching and reading.
We've found issues like drugs come up quite naturally when you watch things like police documentaries for example. Another good place for talking is in the car, bring up a subject and run with it. Childhood memories are also another good starting point. "I remember when my friend was followed home..." You can then talk about why it worked/didn't work and what they think they'd do.

Obviously this approach (so far) has worked for mine, but with your own then you might need to be more direct-or less direct depending on them.

I haven't read it myself but have heard good things about this book which might help...?

I am the mother of adult children and have lots of friends with children ranging from 20 to 33 years.
Over the years I have seen my friends parent in different ways, from the fairly strict to the quite laidback.
Nothing actually makes any difference! By that I mean your children will be who they will be. So for example you could have three children and talk to them about drugs in exactly the same way. One will never touch them, another may dabble and the third could become an addict.
Just talk to them in a way that you feel comfortable about, we have a lot less control over anything than we think.

@Fairyliz

I am the mother of adult children and have lots of friends with children ranging from 20 to 33 years. Over the years I have seen my friends parent in different ways, from the fairly strict to the quite laidback. Nothing actually makes any difference! By that I mean your children will be who they will be. So for example you could have three children and talk to them about drugs in exactly the same way. One will never touch them, another may dabble and the third could become an addict. Just talk to them in a way that you feel comfortable about, we have a lot less control over anything than we think.

But I think the key thing isn’t whether they listen or not, it’s whether they feel they can turn to their parent for advice/support/help if they do go against what they warned about. Ultimately as a parent you don’t want your child to make mistakes or get things wrong, but accept there is an element of learning this way. However, worst of all would be if your child then felt the need to hide it from you out of shame/fear etc.

Exactly that @YellowGlasses

I understand they will make mistakes, I just want them to feel they can turn to us for support.

That said it's mildly reassuring / worrying that nothing we say to them makes any difference!

Mine are all adults. I think the key thing is relationship. My parents, although strict in ways never lectured me about stuff, alcohol drugs etc. But in college l was aware l didn't want to let them down so that kept me on the straight and narrow on mor than a few occasions. My siblings were the same.
With my own l tried the same and while the ran into more difficulties mostly due to changing time having a good relationship meant they came to me. I did stress unconditional love when they were younger and to be honest one pushed me to the edge with that but due to that agreement between us we survived and he came through.