I hate myself

[MizMoonshine]

I hate myself.

I don't think I do. Hate myself, that is. But this is my mantra. Every day, several times a day, I catch myself muttering "I hate myself". Most often it's under my breath, said quietly to me. Sometimes it's out loud, and anyone in the same room would be able to hear.

I definitely hate parts of myself. Parts of my life, even. I've long struggled with poor mental health, crippling social and health anxiety, suicidal ideation, self harm and alcohol abuse.

I've been sober for a while. I've not self harmed in a year now. Day in and day out I seem fine and I feel it for the most part. But I can't stop slipping back and catching myself.

I hate myself, I'll say. Seemingly from the blue. Sometimes it's said following a memory. But often it just falls out of my mouth, from a calm head, into an empty room. Same with the intrusive thought that I should kill myself. I hate myself. I should kill myself. I don't deserve to be here.

It passes, but it leaves me unsettled.

I'm happy. The happiest I've ever been. My life is good. My children are beautiful.

Why can't I stop these thoughts?

Has anyone experienced and overcome this?

How did you do it?

How can I stop this?

I can’t help OP but I didn’t want to read and run. I hate this old trope but have you had any official support for these intrusive thoughts?

Not self harming and staying sober are achievements you should be proud of.

‘Well done me’ would be more apt than ‘I hate myself’.

www.mentalhelp.net/self-esteem/changing-negative-thoughts/

I do it too OP. All the time, multiple times a day. A memory slips in, the words slip out. An uncomfortable social interaction, and I'll walk or drive away repeating it over and over again. I'm happy enough, although life is pretty hard right now. I've never self harmed, but I really wish I could stop. I hate when the kids hear me. I wish I had an answer for you. For us.

This may be too simplistic, and I’m sorry if it sounds really unsuitable for you. But have you ever tried slotting some positive affirmations into your daily life? Almost like training yourself out of saying the negative “I hate myself”, and replacing it with positives (ones you actually believe to be true, so they feel genuine).
So for example, starting each day in front of the mirror and saying out loud “I’m proud I’ve stayed sober” or “I have achieved so much”. If there is something physical you like about yourself, try that: “my hair looks great today”. Adding in a positive affirmation three or more times each day (and actually making the effort to do it) might help a little way towards flicking that switch inside and tamping down the negative thoughts. Always say them out loud, just as you would with the negative thought. And repeat each one three times. Add to your repertoire, try and find something slightly new each day, even if it’s trivial - “I made a really good dinner last night!” for example. Really start telling yourself that you have a lot going for you, rather than just knowing it, if that makes sense.

I feel the same, I'm very insecure and I utter those words under my breath when I think of any mistakes I've made or something stupid I've said. I hate the way I come across and the person I am. It's just sink or swim and I just keep going for my family and I try to avoid the things that can trigger me. But I just wanted to say that I understand xxx

Cbt may help. It helped me but I catch myself in a bad cycle of thoughts still.
Itcan get better.
I don't like this as its not me but have you thought about a posativity planner or jar. Making yourself list good things sometimes changes the way we think.
My posatives today are:
My son giggling this morning.
I had a nice coffee and drank it hot
I love my new haircut

Also staying sober, not hurting yourself and going outside are all epic achievements if your feeling low.
Even I made it into work today can be an epic success!

Oh God, just reading that other people experience it too is like a weight off.
Like I say, I'm the happiest I've ever been, it's just in those moments, it doesn't matter.
My real concern is the effect I might have on my kids. My son shows signs of being very much like me already, anxious and insecure. He's like a holy bucket, I fill him up with positive affirmations and they leak out of the bottom.
I don't want them to hear the way I speak to myself and think it's okay or copy it.
I think I'll try vocalising positive affirmations. It's worth a shot.

I am crippled by this too the worry and its one reason I didn't want children. Happy now have ds but its my concern.
Kids are their own people. You can get books to help though. We workon it doesn't matter so don't worry. I explain how I feel and then say it doesn't matter though as feelings pass and have a cuddle.
He's only 2 but is very different to me in many many ways.

www.theguardian.com/society/2013/aug/31/pure-ocd-the-naked-truth

I couldn't repeat the tripe that used to go through my head, or the nightmares, or the shouting thoughts.. then I got anxiety ( job related) got put on lexapro and all the loud intrusive thoughts lessened alot for me. It's good to feel calm. I carry more weight have a bigger appetite but my head is more peaceful ...

Seconding the idea of positive affirmations - have you looked at a gratitude diary? It's something you could share with your son; looking back at the good things that have happened during your day (that you may have glossed over/not appreciated) and why they are special.

I do it too. It's a mantra along with some others I have that are less negative. When I catch myself saying it I have a little debate with myself. No you don't, you hate feeling this way, you hate being stressed etc etc. It helps a little. Usually for me it's a sign that I'm stressed (I'm autistic) and that the balance of my life is out of whack.

I am the same.
I always tell myself how ugly I look as I walk by the mirror. I berate myself for messing up social interactions or anything embarrassing or silly that I do. Hate my voice, how I must appear to others. It's tough.
You are not alone OP x

I found cbt very very helpful for initiative thoughts. I was in such a negative cycle of self perpetuating intrusive thoughts and self criticism, but CBT helped me climb out of that well and into the light... Not being weird or dramatic - that's just exactly what it felt like. Now I am tooled up, it is largely under control and if I feel it sliding backwards I've got the means to turn it around before I'm trapped again.

You're not alone! I often wake up thinking I hate myself. I find I feel a bit better once I'm up, showered and had breakfast. Try and square up to myself and prove I'm not hate worthy.

I've just realised reading your post that I don't really do this anymore so yes, I suppose I have overcome it! I'd sort of forgotten about it but I did realise a couple of years back how negatively I 'spoke' to myself and started making a conscious effort to overlay those thoughts with positive ones,.I don't know when I stopped but I suppose there must have been a point where it just wasn't necessary because I wasn't having the negative thoughts anymore. Some other things have changed in the last couple of years (personal/emotional progression type stuff) which have improved my self esteem so it's probably not purely down to positive thinking/affirmation but I definitely think it helps.

Mine tells me “I can’t cope”. Also that I hate my brain (I’m autistic and dyslexic so I don’t function like most people). I’ve found talking therapy with CBT techniques (not had pure CBT) very helpful to challenge my negative comments. I’ve also been using the Headspace for guided meditation, there’s a few for positive thinking which really helped me. You can get a free trial for Headspace as well, might be worth considering.