yr8 DS - fairly low-level bullying for now, but how to nip in bud?

[GlomOfNit]

DS (13) in yr 8, he's a bit awkward socially (his younger brother has severe autism and DS1 has a few traits, but isn't diagnosable) but has a few friends at school he enjoys hanging out with/arguing with. He is in no way 'cool' and completely rejects wanting to fit in with whatever is popular, so I admire his authenticity and integrity! However, this does make him a bit of a neon target for bullies. He's also relentlessly unsporty (loathes sports and P.E.), geeky and will happily spend all breaktimes, every day, in the library reading and chatting with friends.

He's recently reported that there is a particular boy who's in the same timetable block as DS1, who is singling him out for unpleasantness, mostly in P.E. or while they're waiting to go in (they line up in alphabetical order and unluckily DS1 is right in front of him), but they share two other classes. This other boy has told DS1 that he's going to get a knife and stab DS1 in the guts, that he'd better not be shit in basketball/whatever because if he's on this boy's team he'll kill him, and during the lesson will try to 'sweep' DS1's feet out from under him, trip him up in the corridor etc.

I don't believe for a moment that the bully IS going to bring a knife to school but obviously he's made a specific threat. Even if this is all mouth and no trousers, clearly I need to make a complaint to school - but I'm very conflicted about how to, and whether it's going to make it five times worse.

I was bullied in school (with some baseless threats of violence thrown in, as well as some actual violence) and frankly my school were useless at tackling it. My life was made a misery for 4 years. (this was in the 80s) I know schools are so much better at this now, but I'm still very worried that it'll get back to DS1 and this horrible yob will just double down.

Can school tackle this effectively without linking DS1 to the bully? He may well be doing this to other boys. (it's a state single sex school, btw)

Please tell me your stories of tackling this sort of bullying with the school.

I haven’t encountered this situation as yet with my DC so I’m sure someone will come along soon to give you more accurate advice, but I expect that I would absolutely contact the school and want this dealt with. This can possibly escalate so it needs nipping in the bud right now.

I work in a secondary school and to be honest, it’s very hard to bring attention to these sort of issues without it being linked to the child being bullied. But I would not count any of that as ‘low level’, especially the threats, however unlikely.

I think you have to speak to the school, have a conversation with your son about how this needs to be done to stop the bullies behaviour escalating and that it’s important to stand up to him rather than letting him get away with this.

Thank you Owwlie - I'm definitely going to talk to school, just wondering how to phrase the email in order to get what I want out of it. I think I would like, at a minimum, all the teachers who are likely to teach DS1 and this boy together (it's three different classes at the moment) to know about it and be on the look-out. And obviously the boy's form tutor to know, too. I just wonder at what stage a bully stops bullying because the sanctions from school get too irksome/severe? I'm really scared that this will just force the issue further 'underground' (eg breaks or transitioning between classes) where no staff are around to observe. But I agree we have to tell school.

I suggested initially to DS1 that he adopts a 'grey rock' persona if anyone is singling him out for unwanted attention, but he says it doesn't work. He's like me though, he tends to respond verbally to verbal bullying and nastiness, which obviously keeps it going, and he will also physically flinch away if it's at all physical. It's blood in the water, to a bully.

Wow. Making dead threats? Unacceptable.
I would bring this up to the school and be prepared to get the police involved if they don’t take it upon themselves to do this.
Just because they’re 13 years old doesn’t make it OK to threaten someone to stab them with a knife.

With the email, it’s best to be factual, bullet point all the incidents your DS has told you about and exactly what happened, where it was, if there were any other students about that would have seen or were involved. You can definitely ask for their teachers to be made aware, for them to be sat separately in classrooms (ideally on either side). They won’t really tell you any consequences the boy has for his behaviour, just that ‘it’s been dealt with’. You need to encourage your DS to tell you if any more incidents occur and to tell a member of staff as well, to keep on top of it.

Unfortunately a lot of the bullies won’t change, regardless of punishments. Some do once there has been an actual consequence for their behaviour but usually if they leave one child alone they find another to start on.

It’s so hard for your DS to respond in the right way as lots of children like this will push until they get a reaction from the other child.

Please contact the school.
Phone the head of year and explain verbally what has happened. Ask the member if staff not to approach thus particular student, but to keep him on their radar.
His threats are not ok.

Just an update: I emailed his head of year and also one of his class teachers on Friday. The teacher had jiggled the seating around and the bully was seated directly in front of my son - you'd have thought that wouldn't be an optimal place to victimise from, but he managed to swipe stuff off DS1's desk and lob it across the room (he did get into trouble for that) and also deliberately mis-marked DS's class test (DS then remarked it himself and restored the missing points, about 75% of the total...).

So as well as emailing head of year, I gave his class teacher a heads-up and they both responded immediately. His teacher said the bully would be placed in the classroom where he couldn't bully any of the other boys, and the head of year (who happens to be a PE teacher) said he would take it very seriously and that he had emailed the boy's family. No mention was made of sanctions that school might make and I'm not expecting to be told about them at this stage.

I'm quite jittery today. DS has both PE and this other class with the bully and I'm just hoping that, after the bank holiday weekend, the relevant teachers are aware and remembered.

Your poor son. I don't consider that to be low level bullying at all. I think it's quite full on bullying. Did you tell the teachers about the knife threat?

sunglasses yes I did. On talking more to DS1 since I wrote my original post, the bully's actual words were 'I'll stab you' (I think DS1 had added on the 'I'll get a knife' and 'in the guts' because he was so scared!). But since then it's spread to another class too, as in my last post.

I don't want to diminish it, believe me! I have literally no idea what constitutes full-on bullying or what some people would regard low-level, these days. When I was at school in the 80's I had a charming mix of verbal bullying, plus some jostling in lunch queues (once was 'slapped' in the face which sort of backfired and actually knocked an already loose tooth out!) and one or two incidents outdoors in the recreation areas which were physical. I would say the constant verbal bullying scarred me more than the physical stuff. I don't remember anyone stepping in and I honestly can't remember if I even told my parents. So I don't want my own mis-managed experience to colour how I deal with this.

I have a yr 8 ds as well and it’s so difficult to know what to do for the best as they grow up. But well done to both you and the school for addressing. Fingers crossed it goes well today

I hope things go OK for your son today. I think you've done the right thing telling the school, particularly with the stabbing threat.

Hope your son is ok