How do I stop crying during a disagreement?

[CarolinaWeeper]

I should say DH and I don't really argue very often but like any couple we'll have disagreements. EVERY time we talk something through after disagreeing I get tearful and I absolutely hate it. I may not even be genuinely upset and instead be angry but I end up crying and I infuriate myself. I feel it undermines the point I'm trying to make and I really can't explain why I do it.

The other day I was talking to a director at work via Zoom that had disagreed with an approach I'd taken and we were having a conversation about it....it wasn't an argument or a telling off just a calm conversation about something that isn't a very big deal and I could find myself getting teary. I was absolutely mortified but I think I managed to hide it but it really was the last straw. I feel I'm quite good at getting my point across, DH certainly doesn't talk down to me and lets me explain my point of view so WHY am I crying? It makes me feel like such a wet lettuce.

Does anyone else experience anything similar? Have you managed to get over it?

I am exactly the same and it’s infuriating. I also go bright red. I can be raging, not in the least upset or worried and still the tears come! You have my sympathy and I’ll be watching to see if anyone has any magic answers.

Same!

My mum accuses me of being manipulative, like I’m doing it on purpose to canker people feel bad, but I’m really not! I wish I could not do it.

I'm the same. Me & the other half don't fall out often but when we do I always end up in tears for no reason & can't explain why 🤦‍♀️

Me too! Hoping someone will be alone with some advice soon!

I don’t necessarily cry but I do feel very anxious and breathy during and after - I’ve worked very hard to stay calm though and I know mine stems from a dysfunctional family as a child and an abusive ex partner.

I am exactly the same about any slightly emotive issue, I'm not generally a crier at sad things but if I'm angry I just can't stop the tears, I hate it!

I recognise this, too! I wish I could learn not to and will be following!

I am the same. It even happens at work if they slightly criticise me.
Nothing I can do to stop it.

Me too OP! I really wish I didn't. I think it's just my way of releasing pent up emotion, particularly as I generally don't articulate my feelings very well in any disagreement.

I’m exactly the same and haven’t yet found any way to control it.

If we are having a discussion/disagreement I’ll say to DH “I don’t even know WHY I’m crying” and he understands but it’s much harder in other situations, especially work.

Another one in the same boat. I hate it because it makes DH feel quite manipulated I think when I cry as soon as we disagree, as though I have to get my own way or I'll have a tantrum, but it's not like that, I just can't help it.

I’m also the exact same it’s so annoying!!! I won’t cry all the time but when I do I absolutely cannot help it!!!

Same and it drives me mad. I'm hoping someone can give advice.

My best approach at the moment is to say 'I know I'm crying but I don't want to be. it's making me seem more upset than I am so please ignore it'. Not ideal but I've found at least I can continue the conversation then and voice my opinion instead of shutting down to try and hide it.

Yep, also the same.

Yes please if someone can tell me how to stop doing this I'll love them forever...

Sad feelings cause toxins to build up. Tears are a way of releasing toxins.

So trying to pre-empt and prepare for difficult conversations and disagreements might help, rather than letting things fester.

Also just telling yourself that disagreeing is ok, its fine to agree to disagree, or that negative feedback is just like pulling a plaster off, it hurts like hell for a minute then its alright.

@boozynamechange

Same and it drives me mad. I'm hoping someone can give advice.

My best approach at the moment is to say 'I know I'm crying but I don't want to be. it's making me seem more upset than I am so please ignore it'. Not ideal but I've found at least I can continue the conversation then and voice my opinion instead of shutting down to try and hide it.

^^i do that too, but I just wish I could stop bloody crying.

Someone on here suggested pushing your tongue hard against the roof of your mouth. It didn't help me, but it might others.

I have the same problem when discussing sad things too. Like I can't talk about my Dad (who died 10 years ago) without crying. I love him & miss him so much and I would like to be able to talk about him without crying! I know it sounds like crying about your dead Dad is ok (and it is) but at the time someone is talking about him I'm not so sad I need to cry, it's nice when people talk about him, but they don't because they don't want to make me cry

I do this too, particularly when I’m frustrated. On a number of occasions I have had to tell people to ignore the tears as I try to make my point. This has even happened at work on a couple of occasions and I find it mortifying. I worry that people will just see me as being fragile, when actually I am really strong and been through a lot, or perhaps even worse that they think I’m turning on the tears deliberately in an attempt to manipulate them. I find if I catch it early a few sips of water can delay but not prevent the tears. Otherwise nothing else seems to have helped

Happened to me today. I just try and think of something nice like a sunset

Oh and I always always have chewing gum which helps a lot!

I do too bit out of sheer frustration, because dp is a right twat when you're having an argument. Won't listen, makes up lies, says stupid comments. It's like fighting with a child!

My best friend is like this. To anyone that knows her well, it's perfectly normal and we ignore the tears. She used to find it really embarrassing but at her current job, she decided to explain it after someone apologised the first time they made her cry. It then became something she mentioned quite openly in the office as soon as she had the chance. She still gets embarrassed if it happens around new people socially but at work the stress and worry of crying has gone away. They've turned it into a little in-joke and although some might find it insensitive, it's a relief to her that everybody is comfortable enough to joke rather than assume she can't cope.

I do this too, and I hate it.

I find myself saying “I’m not crying because I’m upset, it’s because I’m angry/frustrated”.

I worry too that it can be seen as manipulative, which it definitely isn’t, the tears just appear without giving me any choice.

I’ve started just walking away as soon as my voice breaks, but then I’m accused of flouncing.

Oh I'm glad to hear it's not just me but sorry that others are like this too .

I am quite an emotional person I suppose, I'll often cry if there's something remotely sad on the TV or in a book or I can find my mind wandering and thinking about something upsetting and I'll suddenly realise I'm in tears over something that hasn't even happened.

I definitely worry it comes across as weak or manipulative when it isn't at all like that so I'll try pushing my tongue against the roof of my mouth. I've told DH before to ignore the fact I'm crying as I'm really not that upset I'm just frustrated but I don't know if he truly believes me.

I'm definitely a people pleaser and find disagreements uncomfortable which I think is definitely linked so maybe I need to work on that too.

Another one this happens to, when I get frustrated at unfairness.

How does anger feel in your body?

I think women especially are taught that being angry is bad, so the anger in channeled into tears instead, which are somehow more acceptable.

Not sure that helps, I too say in a neutral voice "this happens to me, please ignore it". Since I learned to do this it hadn't been any kind of problem, people seem to accept it and just say oh that's Finally.